Sam couldn't calm his mind down, rattling off questions and fears sounding like gunfire in his head. Never had the urge to just abandon the quest been stronger. He slumped against the side of the car feeling his chest get tight. The occasional person walking by made him feel extra awkward as he leaned against his car. For one he looked weird in that position and two being parked outside a closed establishment with a look of terror isn't very normal. He looked a bit like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes, screaming into the air about a destroyed statue of liberty. Sam felt like that too, except his statue of liberty was much more metaphorical than literal. His statue was the content way he had lived life and the apes, or more appropriately ape since it was only one person, was Remi who blew it up without even thinking about or realizing it.
"So....are you going or not?" Glenn said getting out of the car, slamming the door which finally snapped Sam into reality.
"Huh? Sorry....I just gotta gain my composure." Sam stood up straight again.
"If that's what we're waiting on then this might take awhile." Glenn smiled and laughed, "Need me to come with?"
Sam took a moment to respond, "Uhh....sure. It's probably better, you know in case something happens." He lightly tapped his chest.
Glenn nodded and rounded the car giving Sam a pat on the pack. Sam felt embarrassed that even now being so close to Remi, he still needed help in getting to her. Love conquers all is total bullshit, fear conquers all. Except Glenn, nothing conquers Glenn but a fastball coming low and inside. He could however just tighten his grip a bit and at least make an attempt. Sam couldn't, not even in a metaphorical sense. It still took extra time for Sam to start moving and Glenn waited patiently. When he was finally able to break the barrier and move that first leg, they were on their way. As short of a distance as it was, the path seemed to grow longer with every step that Sam took.
The Last Month
Sam woke up in a haze the next morning. It had been awhile since he'd had such a busy day, a doctor's appointment AND support group. That's a whole two things he had to do, up quite a lot from his usual zero. School really didn't count as a thing anymore since he was either babied by the teachers all coddling the poor sick kid or when Sam got tired of that he stayed home and was babied by his mother. The nice thing about cancer was any day can be a sick day and no one really gets mad at you for skipping. Except Glenn, who without Sam had no one to incessantly annoy. He still made it a point to visit after school though, as well as a few faceless others. Sam had a small contingency of friends, but none of them had been the kind of "after school friends" most other people have which was fine for him.
Saturday, however, meant he wouldn't have to worry about any of that. With Spring coming back around Glenn went back to baseball practice and was thus detained from bothering Sam, who had important phone/Skype calls to make. It still felt a bit awkward from his talk with Stacii last night and the organized kidnapping between her and Dr. Sureesh. The Group session was forced, but like most events in Sam's life it was the push he needed in the right direction the only difference this time being it wasn't Glenn pushing him. Or maybe it was and this sadistic plot went far deeper than Sam could imagine. In any case, he rolled out of bed running a hand through his hair as he searched through his closet and drawers for clothes. Usually he just wore pajamas in his calls, but given the gravity of the situation and the fact that it was midday he figured a little higher fashion was in order. With jeans and a t-shirt and a quick shower later he was sitting at his desk with his laptop up in front of him. Sam fished a phone off his dresser and opened it up to quick flick through texts and anything else he could think of to kill time.
When it finally came time to face his fears, Sam stared into his reflection in the blackness of the screen. There were some dark circles under his eyes and his skin was a bit pale, he worried about looking too sick to Remi but it's hard not to look sick when you are sick. After some short, but ultimately useless, readjusting of his look Sam woke up his computer and readied everything for the call. He pulled out his phone again to text her and make sure she was awake and/or available.
"Morning sunshine :)" Sam hated using emoticons, but as with most things he was uncomfortable with the thought of using them with Remi made it at the very least bearable.
"Who is this?"
Sam was a bit taken aback, "New phone number?"
"No"
"Is this Remi?"
"This is her phone, but she is currently out of commission."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means she's passed out dude, you must be the boyfriend."
He felt embarrassed that that word was being used, "And if I am?"
"Don't worry, she's fine just drunk. She'll come to in a couple hours. I'll leave her a note from you, K? What do you want to say?"
"Nothing, just have her call or text me."
"K"
And with that the conversation ended. For some reason Sam felt unreasonably angry though. In his time of need she was out partying and drinking. It was understandable, she was the antithesis to Sam and was more prone to these types of activities and in fact had told Sam about it before, which wasn't a problem then, but now suddenly it was. Sam was dying and she didn't seem to care, even though at this point she had no idea since Sam hadn't told her. Maybe it was a product of irrational and immature thoughts, but Sam could do nothing except put the blame on Remi instead of himself. It wasn't the healthiest of choices, but she had been so perfect up to this point maybe Sam's subconscious was looking for a fault, a crack in the foundation. If she was just as damaged as him then she was nothing special and maybe Sam could break free without hurting her. What he failed to realize from the start was that she was just as damaged as him, she always had been.
The unfortunate side effect from all of this was that Sam had built her up to such a station and this small crack brought everything crashing down at once. All of a sudden this enamored and romantic idealism he had in his head was replaced with unfettered hate and rage. He was the broken one dammit and she was supposed to be perfect, the one who would hold him up. In a case of reversed roles he was the damsel in distress and she was supposed to be the white knight, but in reality they were both the damsel and they were both each others knight. Sam provided the stability that Remi needed, a break from the partying, and Remi provided the spark of life and passion that Sam needed, a break from the monotonicity of a recluse. They just happened to both crash at the same time. With Sam unable to provide support and Remi desperately trying to the strain was evident when she finally came to later.
Conversation started normally for them, but there was a definite edge to Sam's voice that made Remi wince when he said hello. And that initial introduction was the high point of their talk. The small talk was awkward, made worse by Remi's slight hangover and Sam's undercurrent of hate.
"Look, Remi there's something I've been meaning to tell you." For the first time in their conversation his voice softened.
"Oh?" She sat up facing the camera more, "Wh-...what is it Sammy?" Remi, too, feared an impending break-up given the way things had been going.
Sam let out a sigh, fighting to find the words, "I..I should've said something sooner, but I uh, dammit why can't I just say it?"
"J-just take your time Sammy, I'm not going anywhere."
"Remi, I'm dying....sort of...not really." He sighed again, flustered, as Remi's face was taken over by confusion, "I have cancer, small cell lung cancer to be specific. Which apparently isn't as bad as it sounds according to my doctors. I guess I'm not dying, they haven't given me a time-frame or anything, but I do have cancer."
"Sammy, shut up for a second. You have cancer? Oh my god, how long have you not been telling me?!"
"I don't know about...a couple of months maybe" Sam's hate was momentarily replaced by guilt.
"Months? What the hell? Why didn't you tell me?" This was the first time he'd ever seen/heard her even slightly mad and it was hard to ignore how cute she looked while slightly mad, puffed cheeks and those smoldering eyes.
"I'm sorry, Remi. I didn't know how to tell you. And I kinda maybe thought you'd dump me or something."
"Oh lord, you really don't know women or relationships?" She smiled and laughed a bit, "Sammy I love you, I won't abandon you. OK?"
"Yeah....I just...felt like shit. When you said how you needed me and not to change, it just felt worse. I felt like somehow by getting this I was betraying you. I know, that's dumb, but it's how I felt. I said I wouldn't change, but I kind did.
"Your body changed Sam, YOU didn't. You're still my Sammy, OK?"
Sam nodded and from their the conversation was back on track. It felt good to finally tell her and it seemed like everything was OK. There was still a slight tinge of awkwardness, but it felt less damaging than it had before. And after awhile they both signed off, saying good bye. Sam, at least, thought the relationship was now fine and the danger had passed. The next couple days went fine as well, normal conversations and less physical pain. For a moment he was allowed to think he was cancer-free, but next Friday at group he felt the twinge of pain again. It was nothing serious, Sam just figured being in the presence of others with cancer that his had to make itself known.
This time around, small talk was easier though. Ever since unloading to Remi, everything felt easier to Sam and he was unusually cheery for today at least. He had the support of the woman he loved and even at 17 he felt as if she was The One. The session itself went normally, Sam still didn't speak much but that was par for the course for him and he didn't want to sound braggy about being in love and optimistic. The usual optimism here was usually hollow and when the person speaking optimistically spoke it came with a thousand-yard stare of disbelief.
"Well you seem in good spirits. Must've told Remi eh?" Stacii approached him as they were done. Again the two of them were alone, but it was less awkward without the suspicion of kidnapping.
"Yeah, she seemed pretty supportive too. I think it'll be just fine."
"And how's the actual cancer doing?"
"OK I guess? I have another scan scheduled for tomorrow so we'll find out what's happening in the world of SCLC."
"Good." She smiled touching Sam's shoulder, "I'm happy for you."
It felt awkward again for Sam, most physical touch did. "I hope this doesn't seem rude Stacii, but umm...why are you treating me special? I don't see you talk or act with others like this."
Her smile didn't waver, almost as if she expected the question, "Because you remind me a lot of Travis. He was smart, handsome, and wildly talented."
"I think I only fit one of those three." And for once Sam's humor got a genuine laugh.
"I'd go with handsome then. Anyways, Travis went the way I hope you don't Sam. He became increasingly sheltered and let the cancer win before it even did. He'd given up before he even started treatment and when it came time to finally do chemo his body and heart weren't in it. So, that's why I treat you special. I saw the same thing happening to you and I got scared. Not to sound offensive since this is my job, but people dying isn't a big deal. I came into this knowing that would happen and I feel sad when people die, but I feel worse when people don't try. If you're gonna go down, go down swinging right?"
"Well, I'm not usually one for sports metaphors but I know what you mean." For maybe the first time in his life, Sam initiated the hug which Stacii readily reciprocated. "Thank you Stacii."
After that it was again a normal night for Sam. Even the thought of more scans tomorrow didn't bother him. He let Remi know the time and what was going on, then went to bed peacefully. He carried that feeling of contentedness into the morning as he got ready. Sam walked downstairs, zipping up his hoodie, to see his mother at the table. She had taken to sleeping in later, exhausted probably, from figuring out all the adult stuff like financing his treatments. They weren't poor by any means, so paying wasn't an issue, it was still a pain to figure out though.
"Coming to the appointment Mom?" He asked grabbing his keys out of key bowl.
"N-no" She sniffled louder wiping her eyes, "It's been a long night Sam."
"I can tell, but look. I'm fine Mom, they'll probably say I'm cancer free. I've been feeling good lately so that must be good right?" And she nodded in response trying to force a smile, but she wasn't as good at faking it as Sam was. "I'll have the Dr. Sureesh call you as soon as I'm out OK? I'm meeting Glenn for lunch afterwards. Is that OK? Cause I can reschedule."
"No, no Sam you go have fun. Like I told you from the start, I don't want you to stop doing things just because of this."
"All right." Sam smiled a bit putting a hand on her back, rubbing it gently, "I'll probably be home sometime around 2 or 3" She nodded again as Sam turned to walk out the door.
Like most of the routines Sam had settled himself into, arriving at the hospital was no different. He walked and signed in, talked with the nurse, headed into the exam room, talked with Dr. Sureesh briefly, was left alone to change into the abnormally flow-y hospital robe, and then escorted into the MRI room. The only thing different this time was he sneaked his phone in, granted it wasn't well hidden since he just clutched in his hand.
"Hey, going under now. Text you when I'm done." He texted as fast as he could, before Dr. Sureesh came in trying to be the responsible adult and scold him.
"You know things like this are dangerous in here Samuel."
"Yeah, but you're the one who's been pushing me to 'live my life' I'm just text Remi." Sam smiled handing him the phone, "Plus I planned on handing it to you anyways."
"You're lucky I like you Samuel, now go." He waved his hands towards the MRI and Sam complied, getting situated on the table.
The scan started and the slight bit of panic and paranoia set in. It's hard not to feel that way laying motionless in a sterile white room as a large machine whirrs and scans your body. There's a very sci-fi feel to it as if this thing is about to digitally scan your body into a virtual world, a world were cancer doesn't exist and light bikes are totally a thing. After the scan, Sam was allowed his phone back and escorted to his room once again to change clothes and get debriefed. There was no response from Remi, which concerned him. She had promised to be waiting for him to get out, he was sure he gave her all the right times but maybe he didn't. He was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt out of either love or naivety or both. Sam wasn't allowed long to dwell on it though as Dr. Sureesh shuffled in looking more somber than usual.
"Wait, let me guess, you're sad cause I'm cured and you'll never get to see me again?" Sam's brand of terrible humor strikes again.
"Actually it's the opposite Samuel." They way he said it and the weight of the words hit Sam at different points as he tried to understand what the doctor meant, "Unfortunately the medication is no longer working as well as we'd like. It's started growing on us, so our next move is chemo and radiation...I'm sorry Sam I really thought the medication would be enough, but that's the tough thing about medicine and especially cancer...we never quite know what will happen."
"No...that's fine. I mean more cancer isn't fine but it's not your fault so don't apologize. Chemo and radiation...." The words echoed in the silence of the room, "At least there are next steps right? I mean that's better than just going onto to pain management and all that right?"
"I suppose you're right Samuel. You are taking this a lot better than I had expected. Most people are a wreck after this news." The doctor had a small smile on his face, "Those group sessions must be helping."
"Nah those are useless," Sam smiled, "It's just helpful to have the support of friends and loved ones, blah blah blah, all that Hallmark crap. Is it OK if I get going though? I don't mean to rush, but I gotta meet Glenn."
"No no that's OK Samuel. I don't want to hold you back. I am going to review everything and we will call you to set up your appointments OK? It's not too bad yet, so I'm just going to up your meds a bit and we'll come back to this in a few weeks." He handed Sam a new prescription list as they headed out.
Still no response from Remi, which now started to worry Sam but he had no time to ponder over it as he pulled out of the parking lot. He only had an hour or so before Glenn had to leave for an away game and they usually met for some greasy diner food before hand. From a sophomore health class Sam could've sworn he remembered that grease and sports don't mix well, but it's hard to get some people out of their superstitious rituals. It was fine for Sam though since he didn't have to participate, but he was always worried Glenn would end up puking as he rounded first or something like that.
"You were almost late." Glenn said, sitting on the stone slab of the entrance as Sam exited his car.
"Sorry, some of us do more important things than hit balls with sticks." He laughed helping Glenn up, feeling a twinge in his chest from the exertion. Sam choked down the cough and pain as they walked inside.
"So, anything new with Remi? You guys kiss?" Glenn mused making kissing faces at Sam.
"Yes, they actually have a new app where you can kiss through computers." They both laughed.
"Seriously though man, like why? Couldn't find a girl a bit closer?"
"I don't know, I guess not....She just...I don't know how to word it, but to put it in the stupidest words, 'she completes me'."
Glenn looked a bit disbelieving, "If you say so. As long as you're happy or whatever I'm supposed to say to show support."
"You're just jealous because I have a hot girlfriend and you, Glenn Horton, star shortstop for the New Haven Bluejays are single and alone." Sam put as much showmanship into the last half of that sentence as he could and they shared a laugh as their food came in.
"But seriously..." Sam said after a bit, looking down at his food, "She might be the one, you know?"
"I don't claim to be an expert in love, but I know these two facts. One is that you're only 17 I wouldn't commit to anything like that this early and two is that about things like this I'm usually wrong so if you feel it then commit to everything."
It felt nice for Sam to have Glenn's approval. He always worried people would discredit their relationship because it was purely virtual, but the feelings weren't. Sure they hadn't physically touched each other, but they knew the others face and mannerisms. With sex or even the temptation of sex, they were allowed to grow together and for what little Sam knew about love it felt like true love. The truest he'd experienced up until this point at least.
The conversation afterwards was mainly about the upcoming game and Glenn's plans for big league fame. He certainly had the skill and talent for it. They said their goodbyes as they walked outside, a teammate of Glenn's driving in to pick him up. Sam awkwardly gave a small wave having briefly known the guy from math class last year. After they'd left Sam got into his car heading off to the pharmacy, still no response from Remi. Once home, he'd decided he would text again. There was no mother present when he walked inside, she'd either left or was asleep upstairs or God forbid she actually went to work. Sam tossed his bag of pills onto his desk and then laid down in his bed flipping on the TV.
He pulled out his phone, 3:04 PM, she'd have to be up by now, "Hey you awake or are you dead?"
"....." There was no response for awhile. Sam sighed a bit checking his phone about every 15 seconds, hearing phantom vibrations. After 5 minutes of waiting, a direct call was decided to be the next course of action.
A few rings went by before Sam was greeted by a male voice and quickly hung up. Maybe she was just sick and had a low voice? He wanted to give Remi the benefit of the doubt again, but now it was a bit harder. Avoiding him and a non-Remi voice answering Remi's phone was more than not normal. Was she cheating on him? She didn't have any siblings he was aware of, but then again he never investigated to deeply into her family.
Sam's phone began ringing this time, a call from Remi. Reluctantly he answered, "Hello?"
Surprisingly he was greeted by Remi's voice, albeit groggy and hungover, "Why are you calling so late?"
"Do you even know who you're talking to right now?" He found himself angry again, it was one thing before when she didn't know but now it was unforgivable.
"Sam, what do you want?" She sounded a bit annoyed.
"Sorry to disturb you're partying. I just wanted to tell you we're fucking done." Sam didn't feel good for cursing, but his anger plowed right through it.
"Huh? What are you even talking about Sam?"
"We're done, over, broken up. That's what I'm talking about." He could hear her gasp a bit, the jolt of reality finally waking her up. Remi tried to interject but Sam couldn't stop his words from continuing, "No, I'm fucking done. I just can't do this. I can't support both you and myself. It was one thing before when I was fine, I could put up with your drinking but now I just can't. It's impossible for me to hold us both up like this so I'm done."
"Sam, please. I'm sorry OK?"
"No, I won't do this anymore Remi. Maybe if it were any other day I wouldn't be so upset, but you knew what today was. I told you multiple times and you just don't give a shit so I'm done."
"I do care Sam, I was just scared for you.....for us." Unfortunately Sam didn't hear that part having already hung up. Clicking the end call button wasn't as satisfying as slamming down a telephone, but Sam gave it a hard enough click that he got some small joy out of it. That joy was quickly replaced by rage though, angry at Remi for abandoning him, but mostly angry at himself for relying so heavily on someone else. He hated himself for letting it get to this point, so far in his life he'd only ever needed himself, Glenn was a friend but he never needed this level of emotional support before and now he didn't have it. Sam lay in his bed fuming, letting the rage and hate wash over him. His phone buzzed and rang with texts and calls until Sam finally shut it off throwing it against the wall. He was officially done with Remi, he thought he'd at least be somewhat happy no longer having to worry about hurting someone or being hurt, but Sam's chest was on fire. The pain forcing itself to the forefront as Sam winced in pain. Either caused by a broken heart or cancer, Sam couldn't tell, the only thing he could do was bear with it until it passed.
"Look, Remi there's something I've been meaning to tell you." For the first time in their conversation his voice softened.
"Oh?" She sat up facing the camera more, "Wh-...what is it Sammy?" Remi, too, feared an impending break-up given the way things had been going.
Sam let out a sigh, fighting to find the words, "I..I should've said something sooner, but I uh, dammit why can't I just say it?"
"J-just take your time Sammy, I'm not going anywhere."
"Remi, I'm dying....sort of...not really." He sighed again, flustered, as Remi's face was taken over by confusion, "I have cancer, small cell lung cancer to be specific. Which apparently isn't as bad as it sounds according to my doctors. I guess I'm not dying, they haven't given me a time-frame or anything, but I do have cancer."
"Sammy, shut up for a second. You have cancer? Oh my god, how long have you not been telling me?!"
"I don't know about...a couple of months maybe" Sam's hate was momentarily replaced by guilt.
"Months? What the hell? Why didn't you tell me?" This was the first time he'd ever seen/heard her even slightly mad and it was hard to ignore how cute she looked while slightly mad, puffed cheeks and those smoldering eyes.
"I'm sorry, Remi. I didn't know how to tell you. And I kinda maybe thought you'd dump me or something."
"Oh lord, you really don't know women or relationships?" She smiled and laughed a bit, "Sammy I love you, I won't abandon you. OK?"
"Yeah....I just...felt like shit. When you said how you needed me and not to change, it just felt worse. I felt like somehow by getting this I was betraying you. I know, that's dumb, but it's how I felt. I said I wouldn't change, but I kind did.
"Your body changed Sam, YOU didn't. You're still my Sammy, OK?"
Sam nodded and from their the conversation was back on track. It felt good to finally tell her and it seemed like everything was OK. There was still a slight tinge of awkwardness, but it felt less damaging than it had before. And after awhile they both signed off, saying good bye. Sam, at least, thought the relationship was now fine and the danger had passed. The next couple days went fine as well, normal conversations and less physical pain. For a moment he was allowed to think he was cancer-free, but next Friday at group he felt the twinge of pain again. It was nothing serious, Sam just figured being in the presence of others with cancer that his had to make itself known.
This time around, small talk was easier though. Ever since unloading to Remi, everything felt easier to Sam and he was unusually cheery for today at least. He had the support of the woman he loved and even at 17 he felt as if she was The One. The session itself went normally, Sam still didn't speak much but that was par for the course for him and he didn't want to sound braggy about being in love and optimistic. The usual optimism here was usually hollow and when the person speaking optimistically spoke it came with a thousand-yard stare of disbelief.
"Well you seem in good spirits. Must've told Remi eh?" Stacii approached him as they were done. Again the two of them were alone, but it was less awkward without the suspicion of kidnapping.
"Yeah, she seemed pretty supportive too. I think it'll be just fine."
"And how's the actual cancer doing?"
"OK I guess? I have another scan scheduled for tomorrow so we'll find out what's happening in the world of SCLC."
"Good." She smiled touching Sam's shoulder, "I'm happy for you."
It felt awkward again for Sam, most physical touch did. "I hope this doesn't seem rude Stacii, but umm...why are you treating me special? I don't see you talk or act with others like this."
Her smile didn't waver, almost as if she expected the question, "Because you remind me a lot of Travis. He was smart, handsome, and wildly talented."
"I think I only fit one of those three." And for once Sam's humor got a genuine laugh.
"I'd go with handsome then. Anyways, Travis went the way I hope you don't Sam. He became increasingly sheltered and let the cancer win before it even did. He'd given up before he even started treatment and when it came time to finally do chemo his body and heart weren't in it. So, that's why I treat you special. I saw the same thing happening to you and I got scared. Not to sound offensive since this is my job, but people dying isn't a big deal. I came into this knowing that would happen and I feel sad when people die, but I feel worse when people don't try. If you're gonna go down, go down swinging right?"
"Well, I'm not usually one for sports metaphors but I know what you mean." For maybe the first time in his life, Sam initiated the hug which Stacii readily reciprocated. "Thank you Stacii."
After that it was again a normal night for Sam. Even the thought of more scans tomorrow didn't bother him. He let Remi know the time and what was going on, then went to bed peacefully. He carried that feeling of contentedness into the morning as he got ready. Sam walked downstairs, zipping up his hoodie, to see his mother at the table. She had taken to sleeping in later, exhausted probably, from figuring out all the adult stuff like financing his treatments. They weren't poor by any means, so paying wasn't an issue, it was still a pain to figure out though.
"Coming to the appointment Mom?" He asked grabbing his keys out of key bowl.
"N-no" She sniffled louder wiping her eyes, "It's been a long night Sam."
"I can tell, but look. I'm fine Mom, they'll probably say I'm cancer free. I've been feeling good lately so that must be good right?" And she nodded in response trying to force a smile, but she wasn't as good at faking it as Sam was. "I'll have the Dr. Sureesh call you as soon as I'm out OK? I'm meeting Glenn for lunch afterwards. Is that OK? Cause I can reschedule."
"No, no Sam you go have fun. Like I told you from the start, I don't want you to stop doing things just because of this."
"All right." Sam smiled a bit putting a hand on her back, rubbing it gently, "I'll probably be home sometime around 2 or 3" She nodded again as Sam turned to walk out the door.
Like most of the routines Sam had settled himself into, arriving at the hospital was no different. He walked and signed in, talked with the nurse, headed into the exam room, talked with Dr. Sureesh briefly, was left alone to change into the abnormally flow-y hospital robe, and then escorted into the MRI room. The only thing different this time was he sneaked his phone in, granted it wasn't well hidden since he just clutched in his hand.
"Hey, going under now. Text you when I'm done." He texted as fast as he could, before Dr. Sureesh came in trying to be the responsible adult and scold him.
"You know things like this are dangerous in here Samuel."
"Yeah, but you're the one who's been pushing me to 'live my life' I'm just text Remi." Sam smiled handing him the phone, "Plus I planned on handing it to you anyways."
"You're lucky I like you Samuel, now go." He waved his hands towards the MRI and Sam complied, getting situated on the table.
The scan started and the slight bit of panic and paranoia set in. It's hard not to feel that way laying motionless in a sterile white room as a large machine whirrs and scans your body. There's a very sci-fi feel to it as if this thing is about to digitally scan your body into a virtual world, a world were cancer doesn't exist and light bikes are totally a thing. After the scan, Sam was allowed his phone back and escorted to his room once again to change clothes and get debriefed. There was no response from Remi, which concerned him. She had promised to be waiting for him to get out, he was sure he gave her all the right times but maybe he didn't. He was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt out of either love or naivety or both. Sam wasn't allowed long to dwell on it though as Dr. Sureesh shuffled in looking more somber than usual.
"Wait, let me guess, you're sad cause I'm cured and you'll never get to see me again?" Sam's brand of terrible humor strikes again.
"Actually it's the opposite Samuel." They way he said it and the weight of the words hit Sam at different points as he tried to understand what the doctor meant, "Unfortunately the medication is no longer working as well as we'd like. It's started growing on us, so our next move is chemo and radiation...I'm sorry Sam I really thought the medication would be enough, but that's the tough thing about medicine and especially cancer...we never quite know what will happen."
"No...that's fine. I mean more cancer isn't fine but it's not your fault so don't apologize. Chemo and radiation...." The words echoed in the silence of the room, "At least there are next steps right? I mean that's better than just going onto to pain management and all that right?"
"I suppose you're right Samuel. You are taking this a lot better than I had expected. Most people are a wreck after this news." The doctor had a small smile on his face, "Those group sessions must be helping."
"Nah those are useless," Sam smiled, "It's just helpful to have the support of friends and loved ones, blah blah blah, all that Hallmark crap. Is it OK if I get going though? I don't mean to rush, but I gotta meet Glenn."
"No no that's OK Samuel. I don't want to hold you back. I am going to review everything and we will call you to set up your appointments OK? It's not too bad yet, so I'm just going to up your meds a bit and we'll come back to this in a few weeks." He handed Sam a new prescription list as they headed out.
Still no response from Remi, which now started to worry Sam but he had no time to ponder over it as he pulled out of the parking lot. He only had an hour or so before Glenn had to leave for an away game and they usually met for some greasy diner food before hand. From a sophomore health class Sam could've sworn he remembered that grease and sports don't mix well, but it's hard to get some people out of their superstitious rituals. It was fine for Sam though since he didn't have to participate, but he was always worried Glenn would end up puking as he rounded first or something like that.
"You were almost late." Glenn said, sitting on the stone slab of the entrance as Sam exited his car.
"Sorry, some of us do more important things than hit balls with sticks." He laughed helping Glenn up, feeling a twinge in his chest from the exertion. Sam choked down the cough and pain as they walked inside.
"So, anything new with Remi? You guys kiss?" Glenn mused making kissing faces at Sam.
"Yes, they actually have a new app where you can kiss through computers." They both laughed.
"Seriously though man, like why? Couldn't find a girl a bit closer?"
"I don't know, I guess not....She just...I don't know how to word it, but to put it in the stupidest words, 'she completes me'."
Glenn looked a bit disbelieving, "If you say so. As long as you're happy or whatever I'm supposed to say to show support."
"You're just jealous because I have a hot girlfriend and you, Glenn Horton, star shortstop for the New Haven Bluejays are single and alone." Sam put as much showmanship into the last half of that sentence as he could and they shared a laugh as their food came in.
"But seriously..." Sam said after a bit, looking down at his food, "She might be the one, you know?"
"I don't claim to be an expert in love, but I know these two facts. One is that you're only 17 I wouldn't commit to anything like that this early and two is that about things like this I'm usually wrong so if you feel it then commit to everything."
It felt nice for Sam to have Glenn's approval. He always worried people would discredit their relationship because it was purely virtual, but the feelings weren't. Sure they hadn't physically touched each other, but they knew the others face and mannerisms. With sex or even the temptation of sex, they were allowed to grow together and for what little Sam knew about love it felt like true love. The truest he'd experienced up until this point at least.
The conversation afterwards was mainly about the upcoming game and Glenn's plans for big league fame. He certainly had the skill and talent for it. They said their goodbyes as they walked outside, a teammate of Glenn's driving in to pick him up. Sam awkwardly gave a small wave having briefly known the guy from math class last year. After they'd left Sam got into his car heading off to the pharmacy, still no response from Remi. Once home, he'd decided he would text again. There was no mother present when he walked inside, she'd either left or was asleep upstairs or God forbid she actually went to work. Sam tossed his bag of pills onto his desk and then laid down in his bed flipping on the TV.
He pulled out his phone, 3:04 PM, she'd have to be up by now, "Hey you awake or are you dead?"
"....." There was no response for awhile. Sam sighed a bit checking his phone about every 15 seconds, hearing phantom vibrations. After 5 minutes of waiting, a direct call was decided to be the next course of action.
A few rings went by before Sam was greeted by a male voice and quickly hung up. Maybe she was just sick and had a low voice? He wanted to give Remi the benefit of the doubt again, but now it was a bit harder. Avoiding him and a non-Remi voice answering Remi's phone was more than not normal. Was she cheating on him? She didn't have any siblings he was aware of, but then again he never investigated to deeply into her family.
Sam's phone began ringing this time, a call from Remi. Reluctantly he answered, "Hello?"
Surprisingly he was greeted by Remi's voice, albeit groggy and hungover, "Why are you calling so late?"
"Do you even know who you're talking to right now?" He found himself angry again, it was one thing before when she didn't know but now it was unforgivable.
"Sam, what do you want?" She sounded a bit annoyed.
"Sorry to disturb you're partying. I just wanted to tell you we're fucking done." Sam didn't feel good for cursing, but his anger plowed right through it.
"Huh? What are you even talking about Sam?"
"We're done, over, broken up. That's what I'm talking about." He could hear her gasp a bit, the jolt of reality finally waking her up. Remi tried to interject but Sam couldn't stop his words from continuing, "No, I'm fucking done. I just can't do this. I can't support both you and myself. It was one thing before when I was fine, I could put up with your drinking but now I just can't. It's impossible for me to hold us both up like this so I'm done."
"Sam, please. I'm sorry OK?"
"No, I won't do this anymore Remi. Maybe if it were any other day I wouldn't be so upset, but you knew what today was. I told you multiple times and you just don't give a shit so I'm done."
"I do care Sam, I was just scared for you.....for us." Unfortunately Sam didn't hear that part having already hung up. Clicking the end call button wasn't as satisfying as slamming down a telephone, but Sam gave it a hard enough click that he got some small joy out of it. That joy was quickly replaced by rage though, angry at Remi for abandoning him, but mostly angry at himself for relying so heavily on someone else. He hated himself for letting it get to this point, so far in his life he'd only ever needed himself, Glenn was a friend but he never needed this level of emotional support before and now he didn't have it. Sam lay in his bed fuming, letting the rage and hate wash over him. His phone buzzed and rang with texts and calls until Sam finally shut it off throwing it against the wall. He was officially done with Remi, he thought he'd at least be somewhat happy no longer having to worry about hurting someone or being hurt, but Sam's chest was on fire. The pain forcing itself to the forefront as Sam winced in pain. Either caused by a broken heart or cancer, Sam couldn't tell, the only thing he could do was bear with it until it passed.
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