Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 6

     "Glenn, I'm sorry." Those were the only words Sam could force out while they ate. Even then, those words took Sam awhile to find. He felt guilty lying to Glenn for so long, but it's not often that the C-word (as Sam's mother took to calling it as if not giving it a real name somehow made it less real) gets talked about and even the thought of it made his chest feel tight again.
     "Just be honest with my dude, how bad can it be?" Glenn did his best to sound sincere and get rid of that pissed off tone that was edging his voice.
     Sam chuckled, it was that sarcastic "if only you knew how bad it was" chuckle, "Well, pretty bad actually. Look, first off the only reason I haven't told you before now is that it's kind of impossible to just come out and tell you..or anyone....Apparently, according to the latest advances of medical science, I have cancer." He half-smiled and shrugged, trying to play it off as if he didn't just tell his best friend he had cancer. Sam was usually terrible at bluffing or playing things off, this time was no exception. Glenn's blank expression either meant he was processing what he was just told or had no answer....or both. Sam continued, "As far as cancers go apparently it's not that bad, but also it is kind of that bad since it didn't respond too much to medications and such."
     "Just stop, hold on." Glenn waved his hands trying to put a pause on the conversation, "You hid cancer from me?......Dick. Dude, why? You know I have your back."
     "Well yeah, but I never had a good time to tell you. It's not like I can go 'Hey what's up Glenn? I have cancer!'" Sam tried his best to sound jokey, but he knew Glenn was hurt.
     "True...." They both sighed and looked down at their scraps of food, neither sure of what to say. Glenn finally spoke again, "So, is there like a timetable or whatever? Or is this a type of cancer that you live with for a long time?"
     "I don't know, they've kinda danced around the whole death thing and not given any specifics. I'm supposed to start chemo like the 23rd or something like that." Sam pushed around a chunk of waffle on his plate.
     "Wait," Glenn pulled out his phone checking the calendar, "That's in like 5 days. Why the hell did we make this trip?!"
     "Keep it down spaz. We are hours away from Remi. It'll probably only be a few hours spent there as well before we turn around and come back. It took us like 3 days to get here, we have plenty of time."
     "If you say so......but that doesn't fully answer the question of why we came here though."
     Sam was already shuffling out of the booth, leaving money on the table and another question unanswered. They both made their way outside and into the car, a mere 3 hours separating them from their destination. It was quiet and awkward again as Sam drove with only the radio and occasional coughs to fill the void. He still felt guilty for lying to Glenn and taking this road trip, but somehow explaining this journey to him seemed harder than telling him about the cancer. The fact that Glenn just decided he was coming with made it seem unnecessary too. He didn't need to know then, why does he need to know now? Maybe the hardest part of it all as the fact that Sam didn't fully know why himself.

1 and a half months ago

     A week after D-day (diagnosis day) Sam had been forced to go to a support group. Sitting in cheap plastic chairs in the Community Center did nothing but amplify his feelings of self-hate. Through that first week though talking to Remi was thing that kept him sane. It was harder to lie to her than it was to Glenn, they had grown so close as a couple that their few weeks of dating felt like an eternity. Sam just wished he could go back to when that eternity actually felt that way, but ever since D-day he felt that instead of an endless bliss they would continue towards there was now just a finish line he was rapidly approaching and everyone else was in the stands watching and waiting for him to finally cross it.

     Despite that, Sam and Remi continued their nightly Skype calls but it gradually got harder and harder for Sam to hit accept. He kept fearing that he'd look so disheveled and cancer-y that she'd know and start worrying and that was the last thing he wanted, Remi to be worried about him. Between a shitty home life and past boyfriends, he didn't want to become just another shitty ex-boyfriend. The way he rationalized it is if he beat it then it was a non-issue and he could go back to being the cheesy romantic he had become OR he dies without telling her and she doesn't have any bad memories of spending weeks worrying and fretting of a sick and dying kid she's never fully met.

     "Hey" Remi said with a smile as the video connection kicked in.

     "Hey yourself" Sam replied with a faint smile back.

     "So what's up? You've seemed off lately Sammy."

     "Off? How so?" Sam's inability to play things off really damaged his ability to lie and/or act normal.
     "I don't know, you just don't seem like...normal? I don't know how to put it."
     "Well are any of us really normal?" He managed a sincere chuckle and she responded in turn.
     "It's good to see not all of you is gone." She smiled, but it slowly faded as their talk was ebbed by the silence that followed. "Please don't change Sammy. I need you."
     Sam didn't know how to respond other than staring at her image, stunned. In that moment she looked so small and timid, not the fierce entity of sexuality he had been so enamored with, but instead vulnerable woman who had entrusted her heart to him. What Sam especially didn't understand was why she had done this.
     "I....I won't." He finally stammered out. Sam felt his throat close and eyes water up, he didn't have a real solid reason as to why but looking at her in this form felt...sad. She had invested so much time in a boy who was dying.

     Sam managed to force those feelings down for a moment and continued a civil conversation afterwards. But as the call ended with their tradition of kissing their fingertips then pressing it to the webcam, the closest they'd come to physical contact, he began to resent life and everything around him, a classic case of life being unfair. Despite the claims of curability and how he would be just fine, it was hard for Sam not to view himself as damaged. And it was a self-fulfilling prophecy: Sam thought he was broken and didn't deserve Remi or anyone, this caused him to hate himself and everyone else, and if you hate yourself that must mean your somehow broken, and if you're broken you don't deserve love. The cycle went on and on in Sam's head a no amount of consoling words or pats on the back can put you back together. She was beautiful, pure, and untainted but naive enough to give herself to Sam and he couldn't understand why. Remi felt safe with Sam and Sam felt like a bomb waiting to blow.
     He thought about just ending their relationship then, thinking maybe if he cut ties before he died then she'd be less hurt. Maybe there would be a tear or two shed in his honor, but it wouldn't be a tragic loss. He'd just be another name on the list of ex-boyfriends. It would be a fitting end, most everywhere he went and everyone he met just added him to the roster of "Yeah, I kinda knew/remember that guy". If life were a movie Sam would be cast as Generic Guy #3, but now at least in the movie of Remi's life he would be Samuel Bennent - Cyber lover at the most or as he feared Samuel Bennent - Destroyer of Hearts.