Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 7

     They pulled into another gas station for, hopefully, their last pit stop at least for awhile. Neither Glenn nor Sam said much as they went about their business at the pump. Having now arrived in the town of Remi, Sam felt unreasonably nervous and nauseous. He couldn't tell if it was the medications, the sub-par food, or the fact that he was about to meet the love of his life, or maybe a combination of all three. He stared out over the town as he filled the car up thinking maybe he might catch a glimpse of her, but Remi didn't show up before Glenn came back out with another bottle of Coke in hand. Sam unhitched the gas pump and returned it home before climbing back into the driver's seat. This was the moment of truth for him, his hands gripped the steering wheel as they pulled out.
      He had the address of her house memorized, he had used it to mail her a gift or two before. Sam didn't think he'd be using it in this capacity ever, but it was nice to have on record instead of referencing the map every 20 feet. As they crawled along trying to find the right street Sam's head was drowning in his own thoughts. Should he have told Glenn about the cancer or kept hiding it? Would Remi be excited to see him or would she want to at all? And most importantly, why was he doing this? He felt as if Glenn deserved an answer to this question and at the very least Sam should know why he was as well. Was it really all because of love? Was there something deeper behind it all? The thoughts piled up as Sam pulled into the parking lot of a closed down diner. He knew they were only a block or two away from Remi, but pulling into her driveway seemed a bit too forward and the walk would give him time to compose himself.
      "So why are we here?" Glenn said his first words in over an hour.
      "Well it's close to her house and I ca-"
      "You know what I mean." Glenn cut him off.
      "You want the truth?" He waited as Glenn gave a short nod, "I don't know. I just don't honestly know Glenn. It's hard to explain to you because I can't explain it to myself."
      "There's a start." He straightened up in the seat, "Take your time, but I'm not letting you out of this car until we both know. I let the cancer thing slide for too long apparently and I don't want you to regret this decision either. At this point in time we can still back out, return home, and act like nothing happened. But you owe it not to me, but to yourself, to sort out these feelings and explain clearly why we are chasing after a girl you dumped a few weeks ago."
      "It was only a week ago."
      "Whatever, I don't care about the when, where, how, or what. My only concern is the why."
      Sam let out a long exasperated sigh and stared at his steering wheel, hands still firmly attached to it. He searched around in his head for an answer, but couldn't find one. Glenn waited patiently beside him though and Sam knew he was serious about keeping him contained. Glenn locked the doors with a smirk, holding a finger down on the lock. Even if Sam managed to unlock it quick enough and escape, he would be hunted down. Glenn was naturally more athletic than Sam, being a big-time baseball star getting a scholarship to some D-2 school and Sam, even without cancer slowing him down, was only able to manage chess as a "sport". An escape on foot was then impossible and he certainly couldn't force Glenn out. So, all he could do for the time being was sit in silence and gather the answer they both needed.
     "Where to begin," He started after minutes of silence, "Cancer changes a man Glenn," he tried starting with humor, but Glenn was having none of it, "Look I really can't give you a good solid answer man. I guess at the very best I want answers. The past few weeks between me and her have been hell. I just got so selfish in the fact that I was dying and needed help that I couldn't see that she was hurting too......I....I put all the blame on her for why I felt so shitty. In short I was a complete dick. I need to apologize to her, but she hasn't responded to my texts for a few days....Whether or not I live through this cancer or whatever, I guess I wanted some answers, some validation that my life meant something to someone. And before you even start I know I mean something to you, but you know what I mean. I need to know what me and Remi had was real I guess.....I don't know man it's really hard to word it right. I have the thoughts in my head, but I lack to social skills to properly communicate."
     Glenn waited a moment, then took his hand off the lock, "All right then, let's go." He smiled a bit, he might not have fully understood Sam's reasoning and that's mainly because Sam didn't understand himself, but it was enough for him to free his captive.

1 month ago

     The strain of lying to everyone was becoming a hassle for Sam. He needed support from somewhere, but his mom was a wreck and he didn't want to tell Glenn yet. Even Remi seemed out of the question, how could he burden her with his dying self? It grew more and more frustrating as he found himself avoiding school, classes, and most people. It was emotionally exhausting which didn't help any when added to his physical exhaustion. Most nights Sam counted himself lucky to make it into his bed, he was particularly weighed down with labored breaths or chest pains, but the medicinal cocktail he was taking was certainly taking it's toll and no matter how much tinkering Dr. Sureesh did with the dosing it never helped. 

      "So you are still feeling tired?" He asked one day as Sam sat on the exam bench. "I see you drove yourself here today, that is good." He mused looking over some papers.

      "Hmf," Sam let out a puff of air, "I'm sure the janitor is getting sick of mopping up mom's tears." He had grown more sarcastic and dark as things progressed. Either a side effect of the cancer, drugs, or the whole bottling up his emotions thing.

      "Tsk, tsk Samuel, she cares about you, that is why she cries. The cancer is only in your lungs, don't let it spread to your heart." He tossed the clipboard onto the counter and motioned for Sam to lift up his shirt as he grabbed the stethoscope.

      Sam raised his shirt up to his shoulders, feeling guilty in the silence that followed for the remark he made about his mom. He knew she cared and losing her husband and now her son had to be rough. He breathed in and out at Dr. Sureesh's command going through the routine that he'd now been accustomed to since D-day.

     "It is good...not great, but not terrible." Dr. Sureesh said as he rounded the exam table to face Sam again, grabbing his clipboard on the way to make notes. "How has support group been going?"

     "Wouldn't know." Sam responded rolling his shirt down, "Haven't been in a week or so. Just felt too tired ya know?"

     "Mhmm," Dr. Sureesh wasn't buying it, "I know it is rough for you Samuel. I know. But you need more than just medical help. You may think you are a big, tough, young man, but no one has ever gotten through life on their own. No one wants to listen to an old stiff like me, but I am right, this I know for sure. Now then," He made an exaggerated move of his wrist to check the time, "If my schedule is correct you have Group in about 10 minutes. If we take my car you will get there in no time Samuel."

     "Wait, what? We? I have my own car Dr. Sureesh." Sam pleaded.

     "Yes and if you take that you will only go home. And please call me Raza." He was already grabbing his keys and heading for the door. Sam helplessly followed behind.

     They didn't speak for the duration of their short ride and Sam just stared out the window. When they finally arrived, Dr. Sureesh said he'd be back to escort Sam to his car and subsequently drove off. Sam stood there on the concrete sidewalk staring down the doors. The few times he went were awful and he hadn't bothered to learn any names so coming back in would be awkward as people remembered him and he blankly smiled in return. The worst of it all would be the re-introduction of Stacii, yes with two I's, there overly energetic leader. She herself was a mid-20's grad student with a Bachelor's Degree in Counseling with a minor in Psychology. Stacii was aptly qualified and always well put together, casual clothes and hair styles. She was great at her job, but Sam's disinterest severely skewed his view of her. To him she was just a bubbly idiot who had no idea what she was talking about and was only doing this for credits, so the nice act was just a front.

     Sam shuffled in trying to sneak into a chair towards a darker corner so he could at least hide until it came time for introductions. It was tolerable then because he was at least forced to talk and could be brief, small talk however would be long and drawn out. He also felt out of place because most everyone here was terminal and he had the joy of ambiguity on his side. It was a gift and a curse to be in the middle like Sam. On either extreme you at least knew the outcome, survivors knew they'd be sacrificing something like a limb but after that they'd be pretty clear and home free. If you were terminal well then at least you knew the end point and it was just a matter of getting there. In Sam's position, it's nice because everyone treats you like a survivor, it's all positive and roses and "you're gonna beat this kiddo!" The other side of it was the fear that you could pop off at any time and that'd be it. Terminals get an estimated end date, survivors get freedom, and the middle people get to wait and see.

     "Well hey there stranger!" A voice said sitting down.

     Sam turned his head, seeing that the worst has happened. He would be forced into small talk with Stacii, "Hey," he feigned a smile, "Sorry, I haven't been here in awhile."

     "No problem, so long as you're still here and kicking." She returned a genuine smile and Sam felt guilty for his false one. "You holding on all right then?"

     "Yeah, yeah. Some days better than others you know?"

     She nodded as the others started to shuffle into the circle and take their spots. Unlike he'd hoped, Stacii stayed in her spot next to him. Being that it was a circle and she insisted that she wasn't their leader, just another friend, it didn't matter where she sat and still Sam hoped she'd move so he could sulk in silence. He tried to take an apathetic stance, slumping in his chair, arms lazily hanging in his lap, hoping this would detract her from asking him any questions. God forbid you ignore Stacii's questions, "Talking through things is essential to dealing with problems" or so she said. Sam dealt with things just fine without talking, or so he said. 

     When it came his turn for introductions Sam stood up flatly announcing, "I'm Samuel Bennent and I have limited stage Small Cell lung cancer." then sat down without anything else. He remained quiet and tried to be as small as possible as the others talked. Occasionally he felt his chest rumble with an impending cough, but Sam usually managed to keep it down to a muffled noise. The burning sensation in his chest told him it wasn't a good idea, but the less noise he made the less questions he'd face afterwards. "How's it going buddy? Sounded kinda rough back there?" or "That sounds just awful, you poor thing." Halfway through the session, Stacii put her hand on Sam's knee giving it a good squeeze and holding onto it. It happened to be at the same time he was having a coughing fit and someone was extolling the latest tragedy in their tale. He couldn't tell if the hand was for him, for the other person, or for both. Sam caught himself staring at her hand examining it. Stacii had a fair complexion, arm dotted with small freckles, her hand was abnormally warm or at least he thought it was, but the strangest thing he noticed was on her hand itself. Normally he wasn't this observant, but focusing on something helped calm his coughing. Sam noticed a small, weathered, tan-line on her ring finger. And again Sam began feeling guilty finally recognizing something everyone else probably already knew, she lost a fiancee or husband to cancer and that's why she was here. 

     "Sam hang back a bit okay?" She said at the end of the session as everyone began walking out.

     Still stunned a bit, Sam politely nodded and stood up. He forced himself into short conversations with a few others to try and regain his composure before facing Stacii again. It was exactly how he imagined it and trying to squeeze out some sympathies made his chest hurt worse, but suffer through it he did until everyone else had shuffled out.
     "Thank you for staying a little longer Sam." She smiled politely as she walked up to him.
     Sam half smiled and glanced back out the glass door, "It's fine my ride isn't here anyways." They both smiled and laughed softly.
      "I know it must seem weird asking you to stay here and the whole leg thing. I'm sorry, it's just hard sometimes you know?" She let the last syllable hang in the air a bit, "But we all have each other to help out."
      "Yeah, but coming here to the touchy-feely sessions doesn't exactly cure cancer."
      "Sam, you know what I mean." She sighed a bit, breaking her cheery demeanor, "This isn't just about you. You probably haven't noticed, but your mother comes to the Parents of children with cancer sessions. Have you talked with her about your condition lately? What about Remi? How is she coping?"
      Sam blinked a bit stunned because he hadn't noticed and was confused for a moment as to how she knew Remi. He looked down in the silence, obviously looking guilty, "I....I haven't even told Remi. She doesn't need to know. The less she knows, the less damage I can do right? I don't want this to become a huge deal and have her worrying about a sick boyfriend."
      "Well I can't fault your intentions, but I can blame you for being stupid, Samuel. When you get home, I want you to call and tell her. She has every right to know, I'm going to assume you've dropped the L-word a few times?" She waited for Sam's nod of affirmation, "Then she cares about you and knowing women like I do, hint I am one, she'll be more hurt you didn't tell her than sad at the fact that you have cancer. Trust me it's what my husband did and if I learned one thing from it that's don't hide behind your cancer and use it as an excuse not to live. If you're dying isn't that all the more reason to live? I'm sorry Sam I don't mean to lecture you, but from the way your mother talks about you it's hard not to feel like you are just biding time till you keel over."
      Sam ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily, "No...it's...I mean.......You're right. I've been a sucky cancer kid lately. This has just been a kind of personal disease, so I thought I should deal with it myself. But you....Dr. Sureesh....Glenn you're all right. Thanks." Sam gave his first genuine smile since D-day and almost as if it were rehearsed and choreographed he heard the honk of Dr. Sureesh's car.
     Before he could say good-bye, Stacii had already embraced him in a unusually strong hug. She held onto it for a few moments as Sam gingerly wrapped his arms around her. Most of the time physical contact made Sam uncomfortable and that was only exacerbated by the cancer, but now in this moment he felt relaxed. It was the comfort his mother wasn't strong enough to provide and Remi wasn't near enough to. He heard Stacii whisper "Please come back." as she let go and Sam nodded before leaving. Sam and Dr. Sureesh didn't talk on the ride back, Dr. Sureesh only wore a smug smile of satisfaction on his face having both seen the hug and the blush on Sam's face from being so close to a woman.
     When he finally arrived home, Sam felt too tired to call Remi. He wanted to force himself to do it and finally tell her, but this required some finesse and for Sam that meant time to collect his words. It was time she knew, he owed her that much after investing so time into Sam. He decided a good night's rest and he'd call in the morning, it was Saturday tomorrow so they'd have plenty of time to talk and sort through everything. Even if it did end in break-up, it'd be a better end than the bitter end he had in mind.