Silver Lining

Silver Lining

                Ever hear that old cliché “every cloud has a silver lining”? If not, I’m sure you’ve heard some other version of and old-timey pick-me-up line that’s supposed to make you feel better. For most of us though we simply shrug off those lines and ignore the people who say them because to hell with them do they really think that some ancient proverb is really going to be the thing that turns me around? It’s just folly and garbage tossed around when we have nothing left to say.

                Or maybe I’m just bitter after having to have lived my entire life in a constant down spiral of depression, drugs, and midnight dates with the roof of a very tall building. Don’t make assumptions though, this isn’t some pithy, self-loathing “woe is me” story full of tragic tales of over-exaggerated lost loves and the sort, this is the story of a guy who can’t enjoy a single moment of happiness without something else going horribly wrong. I’m a 29 year old man who has never had a fulfilling relationship or anything meaningful in his life. Everything I end up loving goes bad because for some reason I’ve been cursed with the fate of never being able to be truly happy. It started out small when I was younger, mom or dad’s car would break down or I’d end up scraping my knees and elbows real bad, but I never thought I was cursed. Naturally, though, as time progressed the repercussions grew exponentially and suddenly it was broken bones and car wrecks. I’ve never been able to pin point why fate chose me but at about age 14 I made the connection that my happiness had been the cause of the turmoil. Since that discovery I’ve lived in fear of ever enjoy something and have had to quell any positive emotions I once had. As a result, I stayed single most of my life and focused on schooling.

 I did have a lover once though…about eleven years ago when I was just turning 18. She was a feisty brunette girl who seemed to have the world in the palm of her hands. We started dating a few months before the incident. She was 20 at the time, but we never even noticed the age difference because we were pretty close in interests and hobbies anyways. When we were together that fear of the curse seemed to melt away, when in reality it should have made it that much more prevalent. I guess it was always in the back of my head that something bad would happen, but I figured if she got hurt in a wreck or something it wasn’t such a big deal. We had plenty of money to cover medical or auto bills, I had a decent office job making good money and she worked at the World Trade Center, which is impressive for kids our age I would say.  But with that being in the past I think we all know where this part of the story goes…I woke up on the 11^th to a pleasant good-morning kiss from her and a bright smile as well as I opened my eyes. She was excited to tell me that she was pregnant and it took me a few moments but I was generally surprised and worst of all I was happy. We both left for work, excited to go and tell our friends of the big news, little did we know how the day would turn out. I was in the middle of telling a Co-worker about it when our boss rushed into the break room switching on the news. It should’ve clicked right then that something was wrong, our boss was never panicked, but nevertheless we all stared dumbfounded at the images on our screen. The scene seemed so unreal that it took until the news casters voice broke over for it to fully hit me…she was dead. I fell to my knees in a sullen heap, no words, no tears, just dejected and disillusioned.

I left work early that day for the obvious reason, but I never went back. In fact, I moved out of New York and back to Ohio soon after that. I feel into a drunken stupor after that, placing all the blame of the attacks on myself. Every time I’m happy something bad happens and at the moment of peak happiness it was all torn away from me, but this time it affected thousands of others as well. The next few years went by drunken and uneventful, I stayed down in desolation row as the rest of the world progressed and moved on. It wasn’t quite perfect, but I have a hunch my depression helped keep us out of World War 3, for now at least. Now let’s fast forward about 10 years.

However, to throw in another trashy cliché, old habits tend to die hard. I don’t enjoy making others suffer and all that kind of stuff, but as a human being human I craved happiness, companionship, anything to help cope with the terrible lives we all lead. I obtained these things on a highly superficial lever, but never anything substantial. I drifted in and out of homes and apartments, drunken stupors, and purely physical relationships that cultivated nothing but a growing fear of STDs. Nothing stays bad forever though for I found the real thing recently, a nice blonde girl who was a bit ditzy and clumsy, but everything was done with the best intentions. Again, I found myself with a girl out of my league, but I figure she saw me as one of those “fixer-upper” boyfriends that women tend to look for. Whether that’s true or not I don’t know, nor do I care for that matter. Our first few months went by without anything negative happening whatsoever. I began to slowly think that every bad memory linked to happiness was just a fluke, 3 months and no repercussions yet had to be some sort of sign I thought. I was still careful and reserved because as I said old habits die hard.

It wasn’t until our third month of dating that the world began to shift off of its axis. The political situation had been unstable for a while, but that wasn’t due to me that was just politics being politics. The downward spiral began when the talks at the UN became violent. Countries began assaulting countries verbally via their representatives. Things took a turn for the worst though when the North and South Koreans brought it to physical violence. I heard this news after I had got home from the jewelry store where I bought an engagement ring, maybe three months is a little quick to make that jump, but love is blind so they say. Since my paranoia over the curse had seceded, I failed to make the connection between happiness and turmoil though. When I proposed and she said yes, several nations began mobilizing the military in preparation for the oncoming disaster.

We went on planning and making things official for our wedding and ignored the surrounding noise as nothing more than overblown hysteria. She began to worry though that I would end up getting drafted into the military, which had begun after less and less kids dropped out of high school and had nothing better to do. I simply told her the military wouldn’t want anything to do with a scrawny, thin-boned architect, a career I pursued after pulling myself together prior to us dating. She smiled politely back and offered a courtesy smile, but the fear was still hidden in her eyes. Things continued like this, we planned the wedding and hid our growing fears. It came to a point that we couldn’t avoid it any longer though and that was the night before the wedding, when I was feeling more ecstatic than I had ever in my life.  The news came that several metropolitan areas across the world had been struck by nuclear weapons: Seoul, London, Cairo, Moscow, and New York City. I slumped down onto my hotel bed and stared at the TV. How could this be happening again? I knew I had to do something.

I shut the TV off and sat in my room in silence for an hour or so thinking of what I was going to say to her. How could I explain my luck without sounding crazy and was just getting cold feet? It seemed hopeless and stupid but I had to do it, I had to end this marriage and all this pain and suffering I was causing. Hours passed by slowly until I gathered the courage and exited my room, heading down the hallway to hers. The sound of my heart knocking against my chest was louder than my knuckles hitting her door. It seemed so surreal, everything that was happening; it was like something out of a bad war-romance novel. The hero bravely leaving his love to go conquer the evils of the world. Only in this instance I’m not the hero, I’m the villain. When she finally opened the door her smile quickly dissolved into fear. I slowly walked with her into the room and sat down on the bed, hands shaking violently. It took several minutes to explain everything to her. She sat down looking so calm and serene, it was unbelievable. The silence crept around us as we both avoided saying the words that were obviously on the tips of our tongues. I got up after a few moments, but moving was a struggle as the weight of the moment pressed down against me. For the past few minutes the only thing that could pervade the silence was the rustling of the sheets as I got up and her hands gripped them even tighter. I was afraid her nails clenching tight like that were going to cut into her hand and draw blood. Eventually I grabbed her by the wrists gently pulling her hands off the sheets and she stood up, standing close to me.

She asked me what I had planned and I didn’t respond though. I had the answer in my head, but I didn’t have the courage in my heart to tell her. I wanted to run out of this room right now and just end it and let everyone go on living happily ever after. She was young, confident, and beautiful…she’d get over me in a heartbeat. Finally, I just kissed her forehead and left the room with no words, feeling her nails scrape against my hands as she fought to hold on to them. Each step I took down the hallway echoed in my head, pounding against my temples as my heart beat faster with the adrenaline surging. Luckily, our rooms were towards the top of the hotel and I was on the roof quickly and the echo subsided. The pounds shifted to soft clicks of my heels against the roof as I approached the edge. The frailty of human will came back to haunt me again as even though I know ending it all is the right thing to do for the world, it’s still a process having to do it.

I dangled on foot over the edge getting a feel for it, like testing the water in a pool. My breaths became slow and exasperated as my life slowly passed before me. I always thought that was a myth, but being here on the brink of destruction of both my life and the whole world, as of right now, everyone should be reflecting on hoping they’ve done something worthwhile with life. I was seconds away from jumping before she burst out from the door in tears begging me not to do it, that she didn’t care about the past, that she only wanted to improve our future. I looked backed and smiled, explaining to her that this was the only way to improve our future. She tried pleading with me again, but I simply said I was sorry and leaned back over the edge plummeting to the bottom. I didn’t know it at the time but, as I made my final descent the negotiations had finally gotten on track and a treaty was being formed. My life had finally made a positive impact on the world as my body impacted the sidewalk.