Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 5

     It's hard to communicate effectively when there's food being eaten, but no words were needed to create the tension between Sam and Glenn. Glenn intensely stared Sam down, not looking away from him even when taking a bite, while Sam did the opposite and focused on his eggs and sausage. Sam choked down a bite beginning to cough hard, pounding on his chest a bit hoping that would force it out faster. It didn't, it just added to the pain. When it finally subsided, behind the tears Sam noticed Glenn's expression soften a bit. As pissed as Glenn was they were still best friends and it's hard to be mad at a man choking on food.
     "So," Glenn began after a long sigh, "If you won't really tell me why were are making this god forsaken trip, can you tell me why you've had that cough? It's gotten pretty bad."
      Sam ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back out of his face, "I don't know. I haven't been to a doctor. It comes and goes anyways. No big deal."
      Bullshit was easily detectable, especially to Glenn, "Come ON, dude. What's with the secretiveness now?" Sam opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly cut off, "No, you shut up for a second because I know you're just gonna make up some excuse. We've been friends since age 5 right?" He set his elbows on the table leaning in, "In that time you and I have never held anything back. I told when you looked stupid with that bowl cut in 8th grade and you told me how I could do 'so much better' than Mandy Collson when she dumped me." We both laughed. "Sam, we've been practically blood brothers and in fact we would've been when we were 10 if you weren't afraid of blood and knives." Again we laughed. "I'm just trying to understand what's going on. This is so out of left field, don't get me wrong I love that, but it's so strange that I just don't get it. I know you loved Remi and all that, but it's over I thought. Why are we making this trip?"
      Sam didn't know where to start on the reasons why. Yes, it had a lot to do with love, but there was a lot more to it than that. And that's what Sam couldn't explain. The words wouldn't come to his mind and it was hard to put it delicately enough that Sam would avoid embarrassment or severe judgment. In all honesty, the reasons behind this adventure were probably pretty basic and didn't offer a good enough explanation.

2 months ago

    The morning after their fateful encounter, Sam woke up to a text that said "I luv u 2" from Remi and from there it was settled. In the next week both of their Facebook relationship statuses read "In a Relationship With - Name". It was weird being in relationship without the person physically there, but distance makes the heart grow stronger. At least that's what Sam told himself. Soon enough, his whole world was Remi, phone background, laptop background, background topic of conversation. He was, as Glenn called it, in stage 4 puppy love. Glenn tried his best not to be repulsed by it, but seeing Sam so happy at least made it bearable.

     "So Remidios Allondrez? Never took you to be one for Latino girls." Glenn grinned as they sat down for lunch.

     "Well half, sorta. I think it's on her mom's side." Sam looked down at his food bashfully.

     "All this time you spend talking about her and you don't know what side is Mexican?" Glenn placed the back of his hand on his forehand faking a posh Victorian accent, "Inconceivable!"

     Sam laughed, "First off I'm pretty sure she's half Spanish and secondly shut up Queen Elizabeth."

     They both shared a laugh settling in for lunch. High School lunch sucks no matter where you go, but 4 hours into a school day and food is food, you take what you can get. Sam and Glenn talked about how he and Remi met and how things had been going. Glenn took the news of an online relationship surprisingly well, not even making a side joke about it. The only unfortunate part was there wasn't much to talk about in their relationship. So far their only "dates" had been Skype dates and there isn't a lot to talk about there. They mostly shared details about each other, things you don't discuss with a friend not even a best friend.

    "I don't know how to explain it Glenn," Sam paused, "I just kinda....feel it you know?"

    "Yeah, don't worry. You are talking to the master of romance, of course I know." Glenn again made a point of adding some flourishing, posh accent to the "master of romance" bit and again they laughed as Sam's phone buzzed. "Oooh is it Remi?" Glenn tried to sneak a peek as Sam laughed and pushed him back off pulling his phone out.

    Sam scooted over to get some distance and finally answered, "Hello." He didn't check the ID assuming it was Remi as well.

    "Mr. Bennett? This is Dr. Torrence from Mercy Medical. Sorry it took so long to get back to you."

    "Oh," Sam's heart dropped as he felt his chest tighten. He'd forgotten all about the visit until this call and only now did he feel any problems, "That's uh, no, no problem." It was hard for Sam to focus on what was being said as he was taken aback by confusion. He heard snippets of words like tumors, metastasized, and cancer. None of which were good news, but actually concentrating on the news being dropped on him was impossible and it was obvious on his face too as Glenn looked up noting the concern.

    "Can you make it in later today? I'd like to discuss our options."

    Sam silently nodded, unaware for the moment that he was on a phone until she asked again and he snapped back, "Yeah, yeah that's fine." 

     He confirmed the time and slid his phone back into his pocket. He and Glenn didn't speak for the rest of lunch. Sam really didn't even notice Glenn was still there to be honest, he couldn't remember where he was the rest of that day, so intently focused on those three words he made out of the conversation.

     Sam's mother drove him to the appointment against his will, but from the fragmented explanation Sam gave her and the fact that her only son might be dying it made it hard to persuade her otherwise. She was fairly young looking for 40 years old, a thin woman with unassuming but young looking features much like Sam. Her usual soft eyes seemed hardened by fear though and her knuckles were white gripping the steering wheel as the pulled into the parking lot. She kept a hand on Sam's back as they walked in whispering "Everything's going to be OK" which seemed to be more for her than it was for Sam.

     After a brief stint in the waiting room, Sam climbed onto the paper-clothed exam table. A few minutes later Dr. Torrence entered the room followed by a smaller Indian man named Dr. Sureesh according to his name badge and would be taking over as Sam's oncologist. Dr. Torrence gave his mother the sympathetic, feel-good speech before turning to Sam to finally address the elephant in the room.

     "Well, we can all pretty much assume it's not the happiest of occasions." She forced a half-smile, trying to stay light despite telling a kid he's got cancer. "Let's be honest though it isn't all bad, OK?"

     At this point, Dr. Sureesh took a step forward putting his arms behind his back stretching out his round stomach. "No it isn't," He spoke with a fairly good English accent Sam noted as Dr. Torrence stepped back letting Dr. Sureesh take center stage, "But the C-word is never a good thing either. What's best is we caught it relatively early. I'm sure you don't care about the fancy fifteen syllable word for the type of cancer you have, but what you do care about is treatment right?" He waited and after a moment Sam realized he was meant to respond, so Sam nodded. "Good. To start I am going to put you on a few medications, to treat the cancer obviously and some other to counteract the symptoms. You've been having some coughing fits lately right?" He looked down at my chart flipping through the pages, Sam could hear Sam mother sniffling in the corner as he did.

     "Yeah, I guess. It's been OK lately though." Sam responded.

     "Well, in any case it's best to keep everything under control." He pulled out a black, translucent sheet which Sam assumed his my X-ray and he put it up to the light. Sam's mother turned her head not wanting to see just how big it was. He had no idea what he was looking at, but his knowledge of lungs was basic enough to notice out of place spots as Dr. Sureesh pointed them out.

     "Here." He said after a moment putting the papers and folder down. "These are the prescriptions you are going to need. Everything should be OK, OK? I'll see you back here in a couple of weeks and we'll see how things are going." He smiled and tried to reassuringly pat Sam on the back as he handed him another sheet of paper. "This is my number, if anything should pop up call me. We want to stay on top of this."

     After that Sam and his mother left to go pick up the prescriptions. He pulled out his phone, 5 missed texts from Remi and 2 from Glenn. Sam shut his phone off completely and put it back in his pocket, resting his head against the car window. He barely believed the diagnosis himself and he certainly wasn't ready to tell anybody about it. The fact that his mother forced her way into this and found out infuriated him for some reason. Now she'd be nothing but a mess and Sam would be left to deal with this alone, just like when his dad left. Sam closed his eyes hoping if he forced himself to fall asleep he'd wake up in a new reality, but riding in a car with a sobbing mother made that hard to do. The ride to the pharmacy then back home were a blur as Sam went to his room clutching onto a bag of what was now his life. He turned on his phone again, 8 missed texts from Remi, 3 from Glenn. Sam tossed the phone on his dresser, laying down in bed. He felt terrible for ignoring them, but he was exhausted either from the day or the short breaths and tonight was not a night to be talking to anyone. For once Sam wanted to be alone, floating in the black void of nothingness, and process what just happened.

Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 4

     Almost there. Maybe another hour so of driving left, but Sam and Glenn where almost done with the most labor intensive part of the trip. However, hunger over took ambition and there has to be some old adage out there about working on an empty stomach but they were both far too hungry to think of it. Sam pulled into a Denny's, in the moment between shutting off the car and getting out he smiled slightly to himself and mouthed the words "almost there". In the bliss he seemed to forget the growing tension, but he quickly realized it was there and his smile faded as he walked towards the door and Glenn. There was a look in Glenn's eyes that was hate or contempt, but disappointment and that's what hurt Sam the most. Knowing he'd let someone down.
    Breakfast started out quietly, both ruminating over how to go about the truth. It had been hard enough for Sam to hold it in for this long and all the words he went over in his head seemed contrived and pointless. How do you explain this to someone? It requires a bit more subtlety and tact than just coming out and saying it, but subtlety and tact were two things Sam had very little of. Despite the quiet nature, a severe lack of social communication stunted Sam's knowledge of conversational navigation.
    For the time being, Sam was content to hid behind a menu and make off-handed remarks about what looked good. All Glenn ever responded with was a non-committal grunt. He was caught up in how to force the answer out of Sam. Glenn knew how much he struggled with big news, it took him a day and a half just to tell Glenn he was getting a dog. Sam took a certain amount of coaxing to reveal answers, but this was so far and beyond either of their normal behavior that Glenn was concerned. It's not often an 18-year-old boy takes all of his college money and wastes it on a cross country trip just to see a girl. Something was lurking beneath the surface and Glenn was determined to find out just what that was. He wanted desperately to just grab Sam by the shoulders and shake him until the answers fell out, but before he could reach across the table their food came.

2 and a half months ago

     Love was a strange concept for Sam to grasp, but it felt almost instinctual to him to know when you really are in love. This was bigger than the time he swore we was in love with Sandy Marsion, who kissed him in 5th grade. That was just two kids wrapped up in the emotion of a 5th grade dance and a bump from Glenn that forced Sam and Sandy to get much closer than they intended. He always felt a bit ashamed that his first kiss wasn't as romantic as he wanted, but Sam knew he wouldn't do most things for the first time unless Glenn gave him the proper encouragement.

     Sam always kind of hated Glenn's sometimes overly-aggressive behavior, but it was also nice to know someone was always in his corner. Sam's parents weren't too keen on computer engineering or any of the other majors he considered, but anytime he talked with Glenn there was nothing but support. It was kind of like walking a tight-rope, Sam was never quite sure if he was going in the right direction or in danger of falling, yet he wasn't afraid usually because he had Glenn as a safety net. However, this current romance with Remi didn't have a safety net and maybe that's why Sam was so terrified when he opened his phone.

     "Heyyy hun :)" Sam felt his heart stop and stomach twist as he read the greeting. Hun? He had grown somewhat accustomed to the nicknames, but for some reason this seemed to have more behind it. They had joked back and forth about dating or how nice it would be to have someone, but was she being serious now? Is this her subtle way of telling him it's official? It was impossible for Sam to decipher the subtlety of language when people were talking to him, so the fact that he only had a text to work off of made it exponentially harder.
     "Ur laptop has a cam right?" came the next text, not waiting for Sam's hesitant, over-thinking response.
     "Yeah, why?" No sense in thinking about this, might as well just get to the point.
     "Open skype ;) I wanna see your face" There came the flutters again. He said OK, albeit reluctantly, and opened his laptop up.
     In the first few moments of loading up and starting his heart started pounding. The static images on Facebook and his phone were always enough to keep him content, but apparently she felt differently. He had really wanted to ask her for a long time, but was scared that for her this was just a cute little game and he was her piece to play with. Now though, she was initiating contact and maybe that meant there was something real here. Sam was still terrified that the sheer force of her beauty and dynamism in comparison to his dullness would kill any spark there might be. Before he could back out, the call came in. It was too late now to just close the laptop and run like he'd always done, but with mouse in shaky hand he accepted the call and his ensuing fate.
     "Hey" He was floored, he was always scared of being "catfished" but seeing her face and confirming she was real didn't even matter because for the first time, despite knowing her for a few months, Sam heard her voice. He was already deeply in love with her and this was just the icing on the cake. It was the soft, reassuring voice that he'd been needing in his life. Sam could barely respond with anything more than a stupid smile and dry throat.
     The rest of the conversation is a blur to Sam, he was so intently focused on taking in every detail of how Remi moved and spoke, how her hair fell around her face when she looked down and laugh, the ever so small dimples she had when smiling, and most importantly the sincerity in her voice when they confessed their feelings.
     "I know this is gonna sound stupid Sammy, but I really do kinda maybe sorta like you." She smiled bashfully looking away from the screen again.
     Then came the flutters again, "I really like you too you know? I don't think I've really hidden that." Sam responded and they both laughed. He had imagined this really heartfelt speech, but words were not his strong point and that was the best he could come up with.
     The conversation then proceeded forward with compliments back and forth, lots of blushing, and Sam's desperate longing to be able to reach through the computer. He hadn't even noticed that an hour had passed by. The knock on his door and announcement of dinner unfortunately snapped him back to reality and the flutters died down.
     "I uh...I guess I gotta go." He sighed a bit as she said bye as well and they both lingered on the screen for a bit. ".....I love you Remi." Sam said before shutting the laptop down, unaware he had even said that out loud. His phone remained silent throughout dinner and the rest of the night. Normally, this would've bothered Sam but he was so caught up in remembering every detail of her that again time became irrelevant to him and the only thing that stopped him was finally drifting off to sleep. The only thing he heard was her voice in his sleep, no dreams or images, just a soft voice that told him everything was going to be OK and for the first time he actually believed it would be.

Faded

Sometimes I like to just look at photographs and tap in those ancient memories, still frames capturing a moment that used to be. My memory may fade, but these photos don't. A picture is worth a thousand words, saying all the things I won't. All the times I never said 'I love you' or 'please don't go' a caught in a frame with no one to hear it anymore. There's no sense dwelling in the past, but I can't help regretting all the things that passed. 

Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 3

     Sam woke up stretching, muscles aching from sleeping in such god awful conditions. 9:30 AM....still somewhat on track as best as he could estimate. Cross country driving was becoming a bit exhausting and more than once he had thought about just turning around and ending this crusade. Sam unbuckled and stepped out of the car dusting off his acid wash jeans. He wasn't a big fan of them, the blotches all over them reminded him of a Rorschach test, but Remi was and that was more than enough for him to buy a pair or two. Sam sighed a bit arching his neck to the left and banged hard on the car's roof, waking up Glenn who was tanning outside.
     "What's the story morning glory?" Glenn blinked himself awake and sat up.
     "Come on," Sam motioned for him to come down, "let's get going. I don't want to be late."
     "You know Sam, I've been thinking." Glenn said as he jumped down off the car.
     Sam rolled his eyes and sighed, "Here we go."
     "Take it seriously this time and stop avoiding the question." Glenn looked dead into Sam's eyes, which froze Sam in place. "Why are we doing this? Why are you sacrificing your time and money to drive across the map for her?"
     "For love, I thought that was kind of obvious." Sam shrugged.
     "Bullshit."
     "I don't know what else to tell you man." Sam dropped his head and got into the car.
     Glenn followed in begrudgingly, "Dude, we've been friends since we were like 4. I know you're hiding something and God willing I'm going to find out what."
     "If you say so Glenn. Why would I even keep secrets? You literally know everything about me." Sam turned the key and started up the car, slowly pulling back out onto the highway.

3 Months Ago

      Sam inhaled sharply and began coughing hard into the sleeve of his shirt. The fit was violent enough to stop his walk to school and he took a moment to breathe as Glenn rolled up. Glenn gave him a few hard pats on the back to knock it out and Sam waved him off, straightening up. The coughing started about a week ago, but it was starting to get worse. This was the first time Sam had been caught though, but it was easily brushed off with an excuse of swallowing a bug.
      Glenn hopped off his bike and walked next to Sam as they continued onward. Sam managed to muffle the coughs enough that they were barely noticeable anymore and pulled out his phone, creasing a half smile.
      "So who's this girl you're texting?" Glenn looked over with a Cheshire Cat grin.
      "No one, and how do you even know if it's a girl?" Sam stuffed his phone back in his pocket without responding.
      "Dude you don't text like anyone...ever." Glenn laughed, "So the only reason you'd be smiling at your phone is if some cutie is texting you."
      "Shut up." He shoved Glenn jokingly as he sped up his walk, "Come on we're gonna be late."
      Ducking conversations wasn't Sam's forte, but he still wasn't sure how to tell anyone about Remi or if he even should. As in love with her as he was they weren't dating or even close to, they were simply friends. He had began texting her more frequently within the past week or so, but in the effort of not wanting to seem different Sam held off popping the question so to speak.
      The next week or so proceeded much in the same way. Wake up, coughing, get dressed, coughing, shower, violent coughing, school. Anytime something new entered Sam's life it just became integrated as a part of his routine. He didn't get sick often and when he did it was over in a couple days, this newest fit just seemed to be a bit more persistent. Or so he thought sitting in the doctor's office, whom his mother insisted they go see. Growing bored and restless for an actual doctor to show up, Sam pulled out his phone and lightly kicked the back of his heels against the uncomfortable bench/bed contraption in the room.
      "Hayyy" read the text from Remi.
      "Hey, what's up?"
      "NM. just sitting in class super bored."
      "Sucks to be you. :)"
      "Ya i no. Wbu?"
      "Doctor's appointment, so I get the day off."
      "Aww is my poor bby sick?"
      Sam blushed fairly noticeably, he wasn't sure if the fluttering in his chest was caused by her or his current issues. In any case he was now light-headed, staring down at his phone. He lay back on the exam table hoping that the reorientation would balance him out while he waited on the doctor still. It was impossible to tell if she was actually flirting with him or being sarcastic, texts are a hard thing to decipher and as far as they knew a sarcastic emoji hasn't been made yet. Sam sat back up, readjusting his clothes, as the doctor came in. She was another beautiful woman with dark red hair and just the right amount of freckles in her mid-30s.
     "Samuel Bennent?" She said, as she looked up hoping to get some visual cue from me that this was in fact the right room. I responded with a polite nod and "mhm".
     "All right," She half smiled, "Good and bad news for you kiddo," Sam didn't much appreciate the condescending tone, but took it anyways, "Bad news is we don't know exactly whats going on, but good news is I don't think it's anything too serious. Probably just some viral bronchitis."
     Sam didn't really appreciate the half-hearted diagnosis either, but she had a medical degree and he didn't so there wasn't much he could do in protest, "So.....what can I do?"
     "Currently? Not so much." She flipped through the papers on her clipboard, "The nurse will come back in get some blood and we'll run some tests. In the meantime here is a prescription for some medicine that should help with the cough. Anything else I should know about before hand though?" She said, handing me the prescription slip.
     Sam took a moment to decide whether or not the chest flutters and light-head were relevant, he quickly then shook his head. After another half an hour or so, the blood was drawn and bandages were applied, Sam was graciously set free after a whole day wasted. He walked back out to his car and sighed running a hand through his hair, Sam sat in the car for a minute to recollect himself. What do they mean they don't know? He fought over this idea for awhile, growing increasingly concerned with himself. Is there something seriously wrong with him?
     "Heyyy evrything OK? U didnt txt me bck" Sam read the text from Remi and tossed his phone into the passenger seat, starting the car. He pulled out and started the drive home deciding to text her back once he was in the comfort of his own bed. Plus with a pounding head and chest, texting and driving was only that much more dangerous. Walking through the door and quickly to his room, avoiding talking to anyone as he sped by, Sam flopped down face first into his bed sighing heavily.
     "Yeah, I'm fine." he finally responded.
     "Then wat took sooooo long to txt back? :P" As if to get him back her response also took a minute or two longer.
     "I was driving. Sorry, doctor says it's just a bad cough or something."
     "Good :) Cant have anything happen to my lil Sammy now can i?"
     The flutters returned, "Lil Sammy?"
     "lol yea dont u lik it? I only give cute boiis nicknames." Sam could almost hear her giggle, a soft and brief chuckle that hid sincerity with coyness.
     "And I qualify as cute?"
     "Cute enuff @ least lol" There was her giggle again and Sam could feel his head get lighter with the influx of emotions and change in bloodflow. "Wat about me Sammy?"
     "I wouldn't say cute, you're more hot." Before Sam could fully realize what he had sent or regain composure the text was gone and out there into the ether of wireless text messaging, data clouds.
     "O realy?" Sam didn't have a chance to fully read her text as short as it was before another message came up, this time a photo attachment from Remi. This was different from the one he found lurking before and the juxtaposition of the image he had in his head and the one she sent was a shock to the system. The first photo had all the airbrushed perfection of supermodels, the type of beauty that causes infatuation and fills the fantasy of pubescent boys and lonely adults. The second picture, the one Sam received now, was so different and stripped down that were it not for her unusually piercing eyes it'd be hard to tell they were the same person.
     This new photo was removed of all photoshop edits and Instagram filters, every blemish and flaw was right there for him to see. In the realness of it all, Sam realized her beauty was elevated to an even higher plane. It was a simple self-photograph of her in bed, but the way her hair fell over the middle of her face, how her lips curled into a manifestation of sexual tensions as she gently bit her index finger, the soft fluorescent lighting of the average American home, all of this crystallized the fact that Sam was so far deep in love with her.