Forged

     All right, let me start off by explaining why I have these two videos here. These are two videos I would like you to listen to as you sit and read this. They are two of my absolute favorite songs in the world and this will be a story about my life, so their themes and lyrics fit. The first video is Blackbird by The Beatles for a secular touch and Amazing Grace because it is my favorite hymn ever and I honestly wish we sang it every time at His House, I will never tire of that song ever. I intentionally chose a secular and Christian song because that's how my life is I've dedicated my self to the Lord Jesus Christ, but I still have roots in the secular world, however; I have worked relentlessly to cut myself off from anything that I shouldn't be doing, like swearing or adult things(you know what I mean don't make me say it). 

     With the introduction aside, I'll get into the good or bad part of the story and that is the story of my life. Like many of you who will actually read this I was born and raised in Wisconsin and I'm wholeheartedly proud of that fact. I wasn't born into a very Christian family though and that's the cause of a lot of my troubles, the separation from God. Most of my family believed in God and Jesus, but we didn't go to church regularly and when we did I had to be dragged in kicking and screaming, albeit that's still true for me but that's because I'm lazy and don't want to have to wake up at 6 AM to get ready for church. So, with this life I was familiar with God and believed in him but it was far FAR from a part of my life. I discovered swearing at a young age and thought it was pretty darn awesome because I was 6 and doing things you weren't supposed ruled. This swearing business was as rebellious as I got though, thankfully. I was always a very behaved child, discrediting a few occasions where I'd get a bit rowdy but in my defense I'm a boy so I should get a pass on that.
     To go with this good boy attitude I was always gifted and very intelligent, I'll apologize for sounding conceited and narcissistic, and did well in school. I can't say I worked hard in school honestly because I'm consistently lazy. You may be wondering how I did so well in school then and the answer is that I was blessed with that gift of intelligence and didn't have to study very hard because I retained information very well and this is a gift and curse that has persisted into my college years. My dad insists that these habits will change eventually as college gets harder and I simply tell him whatever because it's not going to matter I'm way too rooted into these ways now to simply change it. Anyways, the real reason I bring up this topic of natural gifts and stuff is because I used to take these kinds of things for granted and actually was conceited and narcissistic. I know some of you are thinking I still am now with all the talk of how handsome I am and stuff like that, but I really hope you believe me when I tell you it's all in joking and that I don't mean a single word of it. Outwardly I may seem that way, but on the inside I'm very self-deprecating but that's a topic for later. All these gifts I had started to get to my head though and I started to stray away from God's path that he had set for me. I was never fully Atheist, but there was a stretch of years where God was the absolute last thing I ever thought of and looking back it was a very dark time and I was only 12-15.
     The problem with my intelligence and lack of Christian foundation is that I ended up in my own head a lot and only seeing mistakes and regrets. I was, and still am, painfully shy, socially awkward, and average looking is a compliment(as you can see self-deprecating I still do it). I felt like a horrible person and a waste of space and began just going through the motions of everyday life. I found myself a nice little routine, nestled in, and stayed there for awhile. Like before, I never got into much trouble or acted out, but that's only because I always internalized my problems and forced a smile so my friends wouldn't have to worry about me. I've always been told I have a kind heart, and the palm reader I've gone to says I have healing hands and eyes as well which fits, and that heart has led me to always be supportive of people and always extend a hand to help others, but I never used to have someone to support and extend a hand to, me. It's not because I didn't have friends, I've always had plenty, but because I am still way too stubborn to admit I need help and go seek it. Now I have God to turn to, but I still can't ask someone physically in front of me because I hate for people to be concerned about me. It's probably part of the reason I behave so much, I don't want anyone to be thinking about me or my personal well being because I can take care of it, I'm the one who needs to be worried about you. I have a horrible habit of pushing my problems to the side and not addressing them because if I do then people might know I'm not a Superman or that I'm not good enough to help them out, it's still a fear I have today.
     The worst part about all this internalization is the intense amount of self-deprecation it's created. I constantly belittle myself, some may say it's just being humble in some contexts but it's not I really believe myself to be worthless sometimes. Even as I write this the thoughts racing through my head are: no one will read this, if anyone does they'll think it's stupid, nobody cares about what you write, etc. I could go on for awhile and I end up doing that a lot. With the last part I wrote a lot of people said that I was a strong and stronger man for having done that, but I certainly didn't feel like that. You guys may see a strong man on the outside, but on the inside I still feel like that 6 year old kid who thinks swearing is fun even though I swear a whole lot less now. I don't really know why I see myself this way because I can identify how much I've matured and how far I've come along, but even so it's still the same feeling. The last day of the Winter Retreat I went on we had communion and as everybody got up and took their piece and cup, I sat in my chair and didn't go up because I didn't see myself as worthy of taking that. I know it sounds silly and I'm really glad no one noticed I didn't move, but on a personal level I didn't feel like I had done enough and become a person worthy of taking communion with Christ because I'm still so far away from that.
     But I think the root of all this self-loathing is one of the older brothers I grew up with. My second oldest brother, Robert, was an incredible asshole to me throughout my entire life and still is to this day. He constantly insults and demeans me thinking he's being funny, but instead he's just being an ass. Somehow no one else in the family really sees this and nothing has been done about it ever. Even my own dad has never said anything to stop anything, he's made occasional remarks that they(including Jason but he only does it when Rob starts) never stop the insults but just lets them continue. I don't know if he's for some reason jealous that I did good in school or something but that's all Rob's fault for always being an ass. I've been very close a few times to just exploding on him and calling him out on all his shit. I did the next best thing though and limit any time I speak or do anything with him because I'm not exaggerating, it really is like that every single time and I can no longer stand it. I just hate the fact that nobody else ever says anything though, my family knows I'm quiet and reserved when it comes to stuff like that and it amazes me that no one has ever said a single thing to him, he just gets to do what he wants. This isn't just insults either, he used to get physically aggressive as well and I was literally scared of him. It's amazing I survived because I was terrified every time he was around and would never know what he was going to do to mess with me next. He likes to say he was building character, but there is a fine line between occasional jokes and such so you're not so sensitive to them but the constant berating isn't building anything but walls because I will now never in my life respect him or do anything for him because he doesn't deserve that from me. That's also another thing I hate about some family members, mainly Rob and my dad because they are practically the same thing, and that's expecting my respect when I get none in return. I'm proud of the fact that every once of respect I have I earned and didn't just expect people to give it to me.
     I say my brother is a lot like dad and the flip-side of that is that I am a lot like my mother because she primarily raised me. It should be stated that my dad was always around, but only physically around never emotionally. I'm very attached to my mother and love her dearly because she reciprocates that feeling, but dad doesn't. If he reads this, he'll insist he does and always has, but it's hard to believe. He'll also claim my mom has been telling me lies about him which is also very insulting because it's insinuating I'm not smart enough to form my own opinions on people. I was always left behind by my dad in a lot of things, which only adds to my self-loathing. Rob was always dad's favorite and as such I got a lot of hand me downs and left overs. I could list stories, but I feel you already get a good picture of the family dynamic.
     This lack of a real emotional father left me to seek someone else to fill that gap and that man was, ironically, my grandfather on dad's side(my dad's dad). After I talk about him you'll think it's weird because him and his son are nothing alike other than blood, so as I list qualities just think of the opposite in my dad. My grandpa was always so caring and generous, two things that really rubbed off on me. The most amazing quality was how much energy he always seemed to have. Dad dropped us off with him and grandma a lot and I'm sure once we left they were exhausted, but the entire time we were there(and the we is 3 young boys) they seemed to have all the energy to play and horse around. The strangest part of all was that my grandpa had a heart transplant years before and usually after that people kind of slow down, but I didn't know anything was wrong with him until I was told that he had the surgery. I should've known since I helped him often with medication, not because he couldn't do it but because I could and I wanted to help, but it never clicked that he was that anything less than a superhero. The interesting part about our relationship is that the year I was born was the same year he had the operation and the funny part is at the party the family had for him coming out of the hospital was the SAME EXACT night that my mom found out she was pregnant with me. I don't believe in coincidences at all, everything happens for a reason, and that night is the reason for why I feel so close to my grandpa.
     Those last few paragraphs were hard to write because I've never explicitly said that stuff out loud to them and if my Dad really does read it it's going to be a surprise. I don't like to create conflict, but that might. The hardest part was writing about my grandpa though because he passed away 3 years ago and I was devastated. The night I found out, I had never felt so numb and alone before in my entire life. I knew everyone dies and all that but for him it just didn't seem real and I still cling childishly to the notion that maybe one day I'll wake up and it'll be false, just so I can talk with him and hear how proud he is of me again. However, it is through that trial that we can get to the fun stuff and that is my rediscovered faith in Jesus. Obviously, after a death you need answers and nothing seemed to give me any but the occasional FCA, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, things I went to. I used to only go because I need a ride home and my friend went plus free pizza is awesome. Suddenly though, after grandpa's deaths the teachings began to make more and more sense and I suddenly began to understand what they meant by these things. I remember the first meeting of my junior year was the worst and the best. I had begun to reaffirm myself in the Lord, but hadn't done it full yet and that night it hit me that I needed to. I was fine throughout the entire message but when we stood up to sing, my knees began shaking wildly and I couldn't stand and for some reason I was crying. I had bottled things up for so long and hardly ever cried, but for some reason I was bawling and knew something was changing.
     I still wasn't perfect yet and still strayed a time or two though, but the worst time of all my friend and one of the main reasons I'm still around Jake Cottrell made sure I'd never want to do anything like that ever again. A few friends decided to throw a party and I went because I needed something to do and was bored. And so, as with any high school party, I smoked pot and engaged in less than savory actions with a girl. The only vice I didn't succumb to was alcohol and that's because I refuse to drink anything, and any of the other stuff now. When it came back to Monday of course everybody heard about it...including Jake. Now, Jake's a pretty buff kid so his punching me in the arm repeatedly in the same spot felt horrible and rightly so. I needed that physical manifestation of his disappointment to really appreciate how much he cared about me and the standard he held people to. It's now the same standard I hold myself to because it pushes me to be a better person and because I fear that if I do fall off again, somehow Jake will find me and literally punch my arm off in anger.
     The His House'ers who read this have now seen my growth in the past months and understand what kind of person I am now. If you know me or can imagine the old me then you know I'm really the same kid, just living a more wholesome life. I will be the first to tell you I love being incredibly immature because I used to try and be an adult, but that's just depressing and boring so I decided not to do it. I can be mature and help when the situation arises, but why be boring when there's so much fun to be had? I'm consistently the same kind of person and I've stopped living that double life of trying to be Christian, but keep my secular friends and have simply aligned with more faith-based friends. I feel now I've been refined and forged into the person God wants me to be now. I still don't feel all that worthy of anything He gives me, but I know I'm on the right path to get there. I know the career God wants me to go through with and where my lot in life is, which is a lot more than I could've said 4 years ago. So, if you read all the way I thank you and hopefully you have a better feel for how I am and all that jazz..