The Little Things

They say love is about the little things
Those small moments that fill the in-between
Gestures and acts that only love brings
The moments that to the larger world stay unseen

And I guess in some respects that might be true
Because I didn't fall in love with the grandeur
It was the way staring into your eyes created the perfect view
Or how even though I hate silence, when with you I could endure

Those little things are what filled the empty space
Grand gestures are nice, but they aren't filling
Quiet little things like they way a laugh would wrinkle your face
It's those moments that keep my mind spinning

But it'd be wrong to say that everything was so perfect
If it was then things would obviously be different
Instead we've split, which is for the better I suspect
How things would be if we remained is irrelevant

As they say, you have know when to let go
And unfortunately that time came, but I don't hold any bad feelings
When it's over, it's over, you just have to know
That love is always about the little things.

Fears

My greatest fear is being alone
Not dying alone, that's different, that's just going home.
No, what I fear is one day being completely abandoned
By everyone and everything, only left feeling hollowed

It's weird how even when surrounded I can still feel alone
Lives moving around as I stay silent inside my own zone
You see, I want to reach out and try to make a connection
But always pull back from the obvious fear of rejection

The solution is so simple if I don't want to be alone
To just go out and take a chance, look up from the phone
Fear is a powerful force, not to be underestimated
It's exhausting to put myself out there to be decimated

So this fear persists of someday being completely alone
Something I admit might be a bit overblown
But that's how fears work, building off insecurities
Working its way down deep into your psyche

I Am Not Okay

Once strong foundations quickly decay
What little good is left, wasting away
The rope holding it together begins to fray
I am not okay

Tensions grow just out of sight
Anxiety's grasp growing tight
With little energy, there is no will to fight
I am not all right

Everything is starting to decline
Fear and depression slowly intertwine
To the end I've been resigned
I am not fine

Echoes of doubt begin to increase
Searching for some sort of release
Endless nightmares feel like a disease
It all builds up, drowning in its seas

I am not okay

Énouement: Chapter 6

     After what seemed to be an indefinite amount of waiting around, I finally stood up and dusted off the back of my pants. Standing there on the park bench I wrestled with the idea of continuing this journey or ending it all and forcing Sam to take us back. I stuck one leg out letting it dangle in the air before shifting the weight forward and dropping down, beginning my trot back to the car, hands thrust into my pockets trying to act non-chalant.

     It took until my feet hit gravel for Sam to perk back up into reality, "Eh? Where are you going?" He stumbled off the bench to catch up with me.

     "Off to reconnect you with your Juliet." I replied without looking back at him.

     "So you are going to help? You think I should reconnect with her?" He seemed overly excited to have my tacit approval.

     I spun around on a heel to face him, "Look, this isn't exactly copacetic. How it got to be this point I have no idea, but you might as well see this through." Turning back around, I got into the car unable to hear his 'ALL RIGHT' before jogging to the other side of the car.

     There wasn't much else to be said at that moment, I was exhausted trying to process all the new information so I just kept staring out the window. It was even hard to look at Sam, but he was oblivious to it with his same doofy smile. I think having my tacit approval makes it seem all right to him and right now, I lack the energy to speak out.

 ***

Beginning of High School Freshman year (4 years ago)

    A blaring alarm clock was quickly silenced by a firm, albeit it off mark, slam of the hand. Four minutes of willing my body to move and I was awake for the first day of American high school. It was hard to decided if I should sport my tank top made of Aussie flag or just respond to everyone with the expected "g'day" to alert them that I am in fact an Aussie. Decisions, decisions. I hadn't been in the States for long enough to try and fake an accent, the best I could do was some sort of cockney Matthew McConaughey 'all right'. 

     I decided to go with a toned down outfit and try to blend in as much as possible, fly below the radar as much as possible. Shuffling downstairs as my mother called after me, I tried to mentally prepare myself for how many times I'd be asked if I personally knew Steve Irwin or if my dad was Crocodile Dundee. I rubbed my eyes as a pancake was presented to me along with milk. Breakfast was finished relatively quickly and the begrudging walk outside to the bus stop began.

     5 minutes outside and the journey of American education began at last and unfortunately on this bus there was only one set left open. The glory of being the last stop, thankfully everyone was kind enough to save me a spot next to the biggest dork. I know American and Aussie culture is different, but a dork is a dork and something about the Dragonball Z t-shirt and almost bowl cut hair just gives off that vibe, I wasn't exactly the cool, surfer guy stereotype, but I had a certain image to maintain. Or so I thought.

     "HI, I'm Sam." I could almost hear the chubby in his cheeks,

     "Glenn." I begrudgingly responded, holding back the accent as best I could.

     He held that doofy smile, the one I would eventually grow to admire. It seemed like Sam could somewhat sense I didn't like him and was determined to change that.

     We didn't talk much for the rest of the ride to school. It was only 10 minutes so it wasn't the worst experience in my life, that was actually yet to come. So, we parted ways and headed to our respective lockers were I assumed we would never meet again until the bus ride home. I had discovered he would be in a different homeroom and that our schedules were just enough off that there would be virtually no overlap between classes. A few periods into the first day and I had made a few friends thanks to my status as the new foreign kid, it was hard to imagine being Australian as all that exotic but kids that grew up in suburbs are incredibly easy to impress apparently. Maybe life in America wouldn't be so hard after all.
      And for the first few days it wasn't that hard at all. I was still primarily restrained to sitting next to Same on the bus, none of the friends I had made rode the bus, and I slowly began to tolerate him. He didn't seem like the best mates for life kind of kid, but he definitely seemed like the kind of kid you pressure into buying you booze with a fake ID just to see if he'd do it. Looking back, I do feel a bit bad for some of the messing with him I did when first there, but it's the pressure of being a new kid. It was never incredibly mean spirited, but it was what many would classify as douche-y.
     

***

     It sometimes seemed like Sam never really broke out of that nerdy shell of his. Glancing over at him driving the car, he still held that same smile. It was a bit toothy, like a Cheshire cat type of grin that never fully formed. Just so simple and innocent, much like Sam was. I shifted back to watching the road, trying to get my mind off the recent bombshells and get a more solid handle on the situation. He was an idiot, but it was really hard to imagine he was this stupid. My teeth clenched down harder and harder the more I tried to process through it. 

      Acting cool in front of him was easy, but acting cool to myself wasn't so much. Exploding in front of him wasn't exactly the best solution, he wasn't likely to comprehend the full extent of what was happening anyways. I sighed heavily, giving up on trying to keep everything pent up, I pulled out my phone.

      Hey, what's up? I sent a quick text to Eliza.

       ......I guess it was a bit optimistic to expect an immediate reply.

     What she was a bit terse, again it was optimistic to think otherwise given what had happened.

     So something going on?

  Nope

  I mean between you and Sam

  Nope

  Want to talk about it?

  Nope

  Well this is stirring conversation

  Nope

  It was at this time I figured there wasn't much to be gained from going down that road. Another cigarette was placed between clenched teeth. The rush of the wind pushed some of the initial smoke back into my eyes stinging them a bit. Honestly though, getting air circulating was more than refreshing, arm hung out the window, seat leaned back. It was the closest I could get to relaxed. For a while, I didn't even have the energy to inhale and instead it hung listlessly against my bottom lip as I stared at the roof of the car.

     "You all right? It's been a weirdly quiet morning for you." It was a bit of a surprise it took him over an hour to say anything.

     "Guess I'm still trying to process things mate."

    "Process what?"

    "For fu-...what do you think?!" I snapped up, bewildered, ashing into my lap.

    "Oh right, right, right. Breakfast?" I couldn't tell if he was changing the subject or trying to make me mad.

    "Breakfast? ....Christ," I sighed running a hand through my hair, "Yeah, fuck, might as well. But no Denny's!"

Clinomania

Tired eyes beget a tired mind,

struggling against unseen forces that trap and bind.

Fighting for a chance at rest,

to overcome an exhaustive test.

Muscles weak and breathing short,

all in search of a bit of comfort.

A battle that can never truly be won

because with the dawn of each day it anew has begun.

So we cling tightly to few fleeting moments

 of resting our bones from these worldly torments.

Rest

I can't rest
Mind racing, fleeing
Escaping nightmares I can't best
Quiet screams and tiny scratches
Echo inside endlessly
Ready to start a blaze, if only I had matches
Vibrations and reverberations
Multiplying and shaking the foundations
Cracks appear and chips fall away
Once secure knots begin to fray
It all seems to slip and fall
Ever further from my grasp
Needing help, if only I could ask
I can't rest

Énouement: Chapter 5

     Sitting there on the park table, there was a moment where I almost thought about stopping Sam and just dropping the whole thing. A very, very, large part of me wanted to ignore what was happening, turn this trip around, and head back at home whilst pretending none of this ever occurred. There's a saying floating out there, 'never meet your heroes', apparently it's because deep down as humans we all inherently suck at being good people. So, if you were to meet your hero, up close and in person, you'd see their flaws and would lose that idealized version of them that you had in your head. Following that, it's probably even worse to have your best friend as your hero, but I've never been one to make good decisions.

     But in all honesty Sam is, or at least he was, my hero. Just a regular guy with a big dumb goofy smile that was hard to resist, the charm of a puppy. He was happy, but for all intents and purposes useless, but lovable. He always seemed genuine and was a terrible liar which in turn made him fairly trustworthy, but I guess we all hide something from others. In light of recent developments though, everything just seems tainted...it's one of those moments that makes you question your entire past with a person. The typical 'what else has he lied about' danced about inside my head.

     I took a long inhale, before sighing out a puffy stale cloud. I stared at the cloud and the cigarette underneath it, even my eyes felt tired. "Look Sam, before you start....on a scale of 1 to 10, give me like a ballpark of how bad this is going to be. I need to know so I can decide on whether or not I need to restock my durries."

    He gave a benign shrug, "I don't know...like a five maybe?"

    "Great, well I should have just enough then." The tone was dry and sarcastic as I settled back, finally as prepared as I would be to hear this.

   ****

     Sam sat at his desk idly flipping through his phone during a class. Professor droning on and on as professors are wont to do. It was at this time Sam had his first encounter with a certain individual, one Olivia Ellison. A slender brunette with a fierce expression and defined features who was a friend of a friend of a friend and so on down the chain. He only stumbled across her because of an email notification from an old dating website he had joined and subsequently quit after finding Eliza. Only through the force of sheer boredom did Sam find the tool of his destruction, but it is known that curiosity killed the cat.

     It started innocently at first, just texts and other things that friends do. They hadn't ever actually met in person, she lived wherever we were headed and he lived where we came from. She only found him because she was in town visiting the friend of a friend of a friend and the location setting on this dating app brought them together. A relationship born of coincidences and lies by omission it would seem as he apparently never told this woman about Eliza because she had never asked.

    Friendly texts soon gave way to flirting and flirting gave way to genuine romantic interest. Although it would seem it was mostly one-sided, but enough to cause distress. Sam had become suddenly torn between two women and that caused a strain on both relationship. Eliza had grown disheartened at Sam's sudden distance and Sam felt suffocated by what seemed like Eliza's neediness, which was most likely just an attempt to reconnect with him. The relationship with Olivia grew strong at the same time the relationship with Eliza seemed to die off. 

   It was unfortunate for sure, but Sam was foolishly following his heart which often leads us astray. Eventually the secret relationship with Olivia was discovered and that's what caused the break-up. While Sam was hurting, he thought it would allow him the chance to fully pursue Olivia his new one-true-love. But that also faded away soon. She was more of a party-er, which stressed Sam out and caused a lot of paranoia. He wasn't exactly a catch and she was sure to find better guys than him at parties, while they weren't technically dating this was enough to freak Sam out. Attempts to pull her out of that lifestyle were fruitless. This, along with the stress of a break-up and the death of his father, finally caused Sam to snap. 

   He took the death incredibly hard, which was understandable, but Sam's biggest flaw was his tendency to bottle things up. Even I had a hard time getting through to him, but this Olivia was someone he apparently had tried to open up to. This girl he supposedly loved and trusted couldn't be pulled away from the parties long enough to be there for him and he felt betrayed. It probably only worsened his fear of opening up. As a result of his hurting, he broke down and ended things with Olivia in an apparently less than nice manner.

****

   And that's the story, at least according to Sam. Losing a father and two serious relationships, it's a surprise Sam hadn't gone completely off the deep end. 

   "That's basically it, I mean Olivia and I still talked," he looked down at his lap, "Well at least we used to."

   "OK, you suck at judging things Sam. That was at least a 8," we both softly laugh as I shifted, crushing out the cigarette against the park table, "So what do you mean used to? Are you like done done now?"

   "I don't know...here's her last texts to me." He handed his phone up to me.

   I'm so sorry for everything.

 Don't worry, I'm fine.

    "Shit..." I handed the phone back.

    "Yeah." he said in a breath. "So that's kinda what prompted this trip...those two texts. I hadn't heard from her in days and suddenly I get that..." He trailed off, his eyes following a bug on the ground.

    "So, this is basically just one long 'Are you OK' trip? Seems like some phone calls could've covered it."

    "It's not just that man, like I said I need answers. I guess what I mean is I need to know if what we had was real, get it? Was I an idiot for breaking up with Eliza?"

    "Yes." I interjected.

    "Shut up. I just want to know if what me and Olivia had was even real or if it was something I had made up in my head because things seemed complacent with Eliza. I don't know man, I'm so fucking confused and lost. I honestly have wanted to turn the car around so many times."

    "You and me both." 

    "Again, shut up." There was a long pause as we both tried to figure out where to go from here.

    Hearing it all, it was still hard to forgive Sam, but it also was easier to understand what was happening. He was like a kid in a store without his mom, lost and confused. Looking down at him from where I was, I could see that in him too, he looked like he was searching for something. It's hard to fault a guy who's just trying to make sense of it all. Right now, Sam is the first guy arriving at a car crash: unsure if he should call 9-1-1, help the people out of the wreckage if he can, try and do both, all of this done while panicking and not knowing what the right decision is.

    "So hearing all this, you didn't actually technically cheat on Eliza did you?" I tried to continue, being as delicate as possible.

     "I mean it depends on your interpretation man."

     "Oh Christ," I groaned, "Well, what is your interpretation then?"

     He stayed silent for a moment again, "I mean like, we went on a date once when she came back to town, but nothing really happened. Nothing physical, just a hug at the door.......and maybe a kiss." He mumbled the latter half of that sentence,

     "A kiss?! The fuck, mate? I'm starting to forget who you are here Sam." I ran a hand through my hair, staring off in disbelief.

     "You and me both." He softly replied.