I Am Not Okay

Once strong foundations quickly decay
What little good is left, wasting away
The rope holding it together begins to fray
I am not okay

Tensions grow just out of sight
Anxiety's grasp growing tight
With little energy, there is no will to fight
I am not all right

Everything is starting to decline
Fear and depression slowly intertwine
To the end I've been resigned
I am not fine

Echoes of doubt begin to increase
Searching for some sort of release
Endless nightmares feel like a disease
It all builds up, drowning in its seas

I am not okay

Énouement: Chapter 6

     After what seemed to be an indefinite amount of waiting around, I finally stood up and dusted off the back of my pants. Standing there on the park bench I wrestled with the idea of continuing this journey or ending it all and forcing Sam to take us back. I stuck one leg out letting it dangle in the air before shifting the weight forward and dropping down, beginning my trot back to the car, hands thrust into my pockets trying to act non-chalant.

     It took until my feet hit gravel for Sam to perk back up into reality, "Eh? Where are you going?" He stumbled off the bench to catch up with me.

     "Off to reconnect you with your Juliet." I replied without looking back at him.

     "So you are going to help? You think I should reconnect with her?" He seemed overly excited to have my tacit approval.

     I spun around on a heel to face him, "Look, this isn't exactly copacetic. How it got to be this point I have no idea, but you might as well see this through." Turning back around, I got into the car unable to hear his 'ALL RIGHT' before jogging to the other side of the car.

     There wasn't much else to be said at that moment, I was exhausted trying to process all the new information so I just kept staring out the window. It was even hard to look at Sam, but he was oblivious to it with his same doofy smile. I think having my tacit approval makes it seem all right to him and right now, I lack the energy to speak out.

 ***

Beginning of High School Freshman year (4 years ago)

    A blaring alarm clock was quickly silenced by a firm, albeit it off mark, slam of the hand. Four minutes of willing my body to move and I was awake for the first day of American high school. It was hard to decided if I should sport my tank top made of Aussie flag or just respond to everyone with the expected "g'day" to alert them that I am in fact an Aussie. Decisions, decisions. I hadn't been in the States for long enough to try and fake an accent, the best I could do was some sort of cockney Matthew McConaughey 'all right'. 

     I decided to go with a toned down outfit and try to blend in as much as possible, fly below the radar as much as possible. Shuffling downstairs as my mother called after me, I tried to mentally prepare myself for how many times I'd be asked if I personally knew Steve Irwin or if my dad was Crocodile Dundee. I rubbed my eyes as a pancake was presented to me along with milk. Breakfast was finished relatively quickly and the begrudging walk outside to the bus stop began.

     5 minutes outside and the journey of American education began at last and unfortunately on this bus there was only one set left open. The glory of being the last stop, thankfully everyone was kind enough to save me a spot next to the biggest dork. I know American and Aussie culture is different, but a dork is a dork and something about the Dragonball Z t-shirt and almost bowl cut hair just gives off that vibe, I wasn't exactly the cool, surfer guy stereotype, but I had a certain image to maintain. Or so I thought.

     "HI, I'm Sam." I could almost hear the chubby in his cheeks,

     "Glenn." I begrudgingly responded, holding back the accent as best I could.

     He held that doofy smile, the one I would eventually grow to admire. It seemed like Sam could somewhat sense I didn't like him and was determined to change that.

     We didn't talk much for the rest of the ride to school. It was only 10 minutes so it wasn't the worst experience in my life, that was actually yet to come. So, we parted ways and headed to our respective lockers were I assumed we would never meet again until the bus ride home. I had discovered he would be in a different homeroom and that our schedules were just enough off that there would be virtually no overlap between classes. A few periods into the first day and I had made a few friends thanks to my status as the new foreign kid, it was hard to imagine being Australian as all that exotic but kids that grew up in suburbs are incredibly easy to impress apparently. Maybe life in America wouldn't be so hard after all.
      And for the first few days it wasn't that hard at all. I was still primarily restrained to sitting next to Same on the bus, none of the friends I had made rode the bus, and I slowly began to tolerate him. He didn't seem like the best mates for life kind of kid, but he definitely seemed like the kind of kid you pressure into buying you booze with a fake ID just to see if he'd do it. Looking back, I do feel a bit bad for some of the messing with him I did when first there, but it's the pressure of being a new kid. It was never incredibly mean spirited, but it was what many would classify as douche-y.
     

***

     It sometimes seemed like Sam never really broke out of that nerdy shell of his. Glancing over at him driving the car, he still held that same smile. It was a bit toothy, like a Cheshire cat type of grin that never fully formed. Just so simple and innocent, much like Sam was. I shifted back to watching the road, trying to get my mind off the recent bombshells and get a more solid handle on the situation. He was an idiot, but it was really hard to imagine he was this stupid. My teeth clenched down harder and harder the more I tried to process through it. 

      Acting cool in front of him was easy, but acting cool to myself wasn't so much. Exploding in front of him wasn't exactly the best solution, he wasn't likely to comprehend the full extent of what was happening anyways. I sighed heavily, giving up on trying to keep everything pent up, I pulled out my phone.

      Hey, what's up? I sent a quick text to Eliza.

       ......I guess it was a bit optimistic to expect an immediate reply.

     What she was a bit terse, again it was optimistic to think otherwise given what had happened.

     So something going on?

  Nope

  I mean between you and Sam

  Nope

  Want to talk about it?

  Nope

  Well this is stirring conversation

  Nope

  It was at this time I figured there wasn't much to be gained from going down that road. Another cigarette was placed between clenched teeth. The rush of the wind pushed some of the initial smoke back into my eyes stinging them a bit. Honestly though, getting air circulating was more than refreshing, arm hung out the window, seat leaned back. It was the closest I could get to relaxed. For a while, I didn't even have the energy to inhale and instead it hung listlessly against my bottom lip as I stared at the roof of the car.

     "You all right? It's been a weirdly quiet morning for you." It was a bit of a surprise it took him over an hour to say anything.

     "Guess I'm still trying to process things mate."

    "Process what?"

    "For fu-...what do you think?!" I snapped up, bewildered, ashing into my lap.

    "Oh right, right, right. Breakfast?" I couldn't tell if he was changing the subject or trying to make me mad.

    "Breakfast? ....Christ," I sighed running a hand through my hair, "Yeah, fuck, might as well. But no Denny's!"

Clinomania

Tired eyes beget a tired mind,

struggling against unseen forces that trap and bind.

Fighting for a chance at rest,

to overcome an exhaustive test.

Muscles weak and breathing short,

all in search of a bit of comfort.

A battle that can never truly be won

because with the dawn of each day it anew has begun.

So we cling tightly to few fleeting moments

 of resting our bones from these worldly torments.

Rest

I can't rest
Mind racing, fleeing
Escaping nightmares I can't best
Quiet screams and tiny scratches
Echo inside endlessly
Ready to start a blaze, if only I had matches
Vibrations and reverberations
Multiplying and shaking the foundations
Cracks appear and chips fall away
Once secure knots begin to fray
It all seems to slip and fall
Ever further from my grasp
Needing help, if only I could ask
I can't rest

Énouement: Chapter 5

     Sitting there on the park table, there was a moment where I almost thought about stopping Sam and just dropping the whole thing. A very, very, large part of me wanted to ignore what was happening, turn this trip around, and head back at home whilst pretending none of this ever occurred. There's a saying floating out there, 'never meet your heroes', apparently it's because deep down as humans we all inherently suck at being good people. So, if you were to meet your hero, up close and in person, you'd see their flaws and would lose that idealized version of them that you had in your head. Following that, it's probably even worse to have your best friend as your hero, but I've never been one to make good decisions.

     But in all honesty Sam is, or at least he was, my hero. Just a regular guy with a big dumb goofy smile that was hard to resist, the charm of a puppy. He was happy, but for all intents and purposes useless, but lovable. He always seemed genuine and was a terrible liar which in turn made him fairly trustworthy, but I guess we all hide something from others. In light of recent developments though, everything just seems tainted...it's one of those moments that makes you question your entire past with a person. The typical 'what else has he lied about' danced about inside my head.

     I took a long inhale, before sighing out a puffy stale cloud. I stared at the cloud and the cigarette underneath it, even my eyes felt tired. "Look Sam, before you start....on a scale of 1 to 10, give me like a ballpark of how bad this is going to be. I need to know so I can decide on whether or not I need to restock my durries."

    He gave a benign shrug, "I don't know...like a five maybe?"

    "Great, well I should have just enough then." The tone was dry and sarcastic as I settled back, finally as prepared as I would be to hear this.

   ****

     Sam sat at his desk idly flipping through his phone during a class. Professor droning on and on as professors are wont to do. It was at this time Sam had his first encounter with a certain individual, one Olivia Ellison. A slender brunette with a fierce expression and defined features who was a friend of a friend of a friend and so on down the chain. He only stumbled across her because of an email notification from an old dating website he had joined and subsequently quit after finding Eliza. Only through the force of sheer boredom did Sam find the tool of his destruction, but it is known that curiosity killed the cat.

     It started innocently at first, just texts and other things that friends do. They hadn't ever actually met in person, she lived wherever we were headed and he lived where we came from. She only found him because she was in town visiting the friend of a friend of a friend and the location setting on this dating app brought them together. A relationship born of coincidences and lies by omission it would seem as he apparently never told this woman about Eliza because she had never asked.

    Friendly texts soon gave way to flirting and flirting gave way to genuine romantic interest. Although it would seem it was mostly one-sided, but enough to cause distress. Sam had become suddenly torn between two women and that caused a strain on both relationship. Eliza had grown disheartened at Sam's sudden distance and Sam felt suffocated by what seemed like Eliza's neediness, which was most likely just an attempt to reconnect with him. The relationship with Olivia grew strong at the same time the relationship with Eliza seemed to die off. 

   It was unfortunate for sure, but Sam was foolishly following his heart which often leads us astray. Eventually the secret relationship with Olivia was discovered and that's what caused the break-up. While Sam was hurting, he thought it would allow him the chance to fully pursue Olivia his new one-true-love. But that also faded away soon. She was more of a party-er, which stressed Sam out and caused a lot of paranoia. He wasn't exactly a catch and she was sure to find better guys than him at parties, while they weren't technically dating this was enough to freak Sam out. Attempts to pull her out of that lifestyle were fruitless. This, along with the stress of a break-up and the death of his father, finally caused Sam to snap. 

   He took the death incredibly hard, which was understandable, but Sam's biggest flaw was his tendency to bottle things up. Even I had a hard time getting through to him, but this Olivia was someone he apparently had tried to open up to. This girl he supposedly loved and trusted couldn't be pulled away from the parties long enough to be there for him and he felt betrayed. It probably only worsened his fear of opening up. As a result of his hurting, he broke down and ended things with Olivia in an apparently less than nice manner.

****

   And that's the story, at least according to Sam. Losing a father and two serious relationships, it's a surprise Sam hadn't gone completely off the deep end. 

   "That's basically it, I mean Olivia and I still talked," he looked down at his lap, "Well at least we used to."

   "OK, you suck at judging things Sam. That was at least a 8," we both softly laugh as I shifted, crushing out the cigarette against the park table, "So what do you mean used to? Are you like done done now?"

   "I don't know...here's her last texts to me." He handed his phone up to me.

   I'm so sorry for everything.

 Don't worry, I'm fine.

    "Shit..." I handed the phone back.

    "Yeah." he said in a breath. "So that's kinda what prompted this trip...those two texts. I hadn't heard from her in days and suddenly I get that..." He trailed off, his eyes following a bug on the ground.

    "So, this is basically just one long 'Are you OK' trip? Seems like some phone calls could've covered it."

    "It's not just that man, like I said I need answers. I guess what I mean is I need to know if what we had was real, get it? Was I an idiot for breaking up with Eliza?"

    "Yes." I interjected.

    "Shut up. I just want to know if what me and Olivia had was even real or if it was something I had made up in my head because things seemed complacent with Eliza. I don't know man, I'm so fucking confused and lost. I honestly have wanted to turn the car around so many times."

    "You and me both." 

    "Again, shut up." There was a long pause as we both tried to figure out where to go from here.

    Hearing it all, it was still hard to forgive Sam, but it also was easier to understand what was happening. He was like a kid in a store without his mom, lost and confused. Looking down at him from where I was, I could see that in him too, he looked like he was searching for something. It's hard to fault a guy who's just trying to make sense of it all. Right now, Sam is the first guy arriving at a car crash: unsure if he should call 9-1-1, help the people out of the wreckage if he can, try and do both, all of this done while panicking and not knowing what the right decision is.

    "So hearing all this, you didn't actually technically cheat on Eliza did you?" I tried to continue, being as delicate as possible.

     "I mean it depends on your interpretation man."

     "Oh Christ," I groaned, "Well, what is your interpretation then?"

     He stayed silent for a moment again, "I mean like, we went on a date once when she came back to town, but nothing really happened. Nothing physical, just a hug at the door.......and maybe a kiss." He mumbled the latter half of that sentence,

     "A kiss?! The fuck, mate? I'm starting to forget who you are here Sam." I ran a hand through my hair, staring off in disbelief.

     "You and me both." He softly replied.

Énouement: Chapter 4

     There was a soft laugh as Eliza leaned her body into Sam's, both of them smiling. Out of the three of us, not a one had any plans on going home during Spring Break so we decided to make it a party of our own. The campus areas were still open, but the place was so dead even the officers were barely seen. Eliza and Sam made the decision to have 2PM picnic in the main campus area and tasked me with providing the alcohol because I was the only one of age to do so and what's a picnic without wine?

     We lost track of time being out there for so long and being drunk, well they were drunk and I was what barely qualifies for tipsy as an Aussie, for about half of that unknown time. It really was a beautiful scene though; the lovers safely snug together, the sun starting to set, the warmth of alcohol in our blood, it was one of those moments that you remember for a long time despite nothing particularly interesting happening. To some it probably would have just been a day, but to me I think it was the last time I saw Sam's big, doofy smile. The last time it was genuine at least.

      7:00 AM my phone read in a blinding light that is unholy for this time in the morning. Sam was showering, which is what woke me up. I opted to skip, as disgusting as that sounds, having little energy to actually bathe myself. I wasn't planning on picking up any dates and it was hard enough just to pull pants on, any further physical exertion was out of the question.

     "Oi, mate." I called, banging on the door, "When are we getting on the road then?"

      With no response, I sighed and exited our room. People say nature is great in it's majesty, but with my eyes having not yet adjusted fully the sun comes off as more of an asshole. I sat down on the trunk of Sam's car, idly going over texts in my phone. Sifting through hours and months of text messages either with Sam or Eliza, there had to be something there to give me a hint as to what the hell was going on. Did they break up? Did she cheat on him? What was happening here? My dream of being Batman might die here in this parking lot because I am a terrible detective, nothing of value was found in the texts,

      "Ready to go then?" Sam said as he approached the car, hand-drying his hair.

      "Physically yes," I responded with a long sigh, "Mentally no."

      "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

      I hopped off the trunk trying my best to remain calm, "What I mean, mate, is what the fuck is going on? You drag me out of my dorm at 2 in the damn morning. Then we go driving for hours on end and you won't tell me why. Just some bullshit about needing answers, well I need some fucking answers too Sam."

      He shrugged as if this was all new information to him, "I just thought a trip sounded ni-"

      I cut Sam off, grabbing his jacket and slamming him against the door of his car, "Enough of the jokes, enough of dodging the question. Why are we out here Sam?"

      It almost broke my heart to finally see his eyes soften like they did, melting into that expression where the word sadness doesn't begin to describe it. Almost, but I had to keep pressing if we were going to make any headway in this.

      "E.....Eliza and I are done. We broke up a couple of weeks ago." The words came out in a broken, dejected sound as I softened the grip on his jacket.

      "And a cross country trip is going to fix that? Or is the whole goal to forget about her?"

      "No...no it's not that." His voice was so soft I could barely hear him, especially over the sound of my own voice.

      "And now that I think about it we aren't anywhere close to where she lives, so what the hell? Where even are we?" I backed up from Sam a bit as I kept talking, trying to sort through my own thoughts out loud.

     "I cheated on Eliza, that's why we broke up." He stammered out.

     "W-what was that?" I had to stammer as well, reeling a bit from this revelation.

     "N-not like physically I guess, I don't know man. It's complicated." Sam couldn't manage to look me in the eyes anymore, I don't blame him.

     "Not physically? What? OK, you're going to need to back track a bit here mate because there's something here I'm clearly not getting. You cheated on Eliza, but not physically? Did you sleep with a ghost? I'm so lost here, help me." Cheating may seem like second nature for most people these days, but for Sam it was a miracle that he could find one woman to enjoy his company, let alone two.

    "I don't know how to explain it Glenn," he ran a hand through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh.

    "Well you got plenty of time to get it together because we aren't leaving until we do."

     Sam kept scanning and staring at the ground as if it was going to give him an answer.

     "I'll call Eliza and get this sorted out if you won't answer me. Christ! What was the plan on this trip? Hop in a car and drive until you forget about her?" I don't know why this had made me so angry, but it did. I could feel my skin heating up and was quite aware I was probably causing a seen, that didn't matter much though.

      "I don't know what the plan was!" Sam finally snapped creating a moment of awkward silence between us. "Look, I really don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm acting on instinct man, instinct and a shit ton of panic because I don't know what's happening anymore. Things with Eliza were fine and all, but I met this girl online."

      "For fu-...Sam, don't tell me we are driving all this way out for a fucking catfish mate. Please, Sam tell me that's not what we're doing." I pleaded, almost ready to punch him for the amount of stupid I was hearing at this moment.

      "I will tell you, if you'll shut up for a minute and actually let me talk." We both sighed at the same time.

      "Before we start anything, I really need to smoke mate. You're making my blood pressure rise." I said, fishing the pack and a lighter out of my pocket.

      "Pretty sure it's those that are making your BP go up." He smirked before I hit him in the arm, motioning towards a park.

       This was going to be an interesting story. The tension in this short walk over was killing me faster than cigarettes ever could, but we did our best to smile and hide the fear and anger in both of our hearts. This was a very un-Sam thing to do, but he's a terrible liar so at least I know whatever he's going to say is the truth. To be honest though, I think that's what really scares me. I took a position sitting on top of a picnic table, Sam took the accompanying bench.

      He tilted his head back as if he were observing clouds and let out a long sigh, "All right..."

Home

They say we all eventually die alone, well if that's true then I want to live for the little moments that make it feel like home. See, I never feel completely comfortable in a single place and so I end up floating by trying to find some living space. A spot of my own, one where I can be alone, or maybe surrounded by a crowd, I'm not quite sure mainly just thinking aloud. Making up my mind is hard because life happens real quick so it seems hard for anything substantial to stick. But at the same time, life is the longest thing we do it doesn't matter if it's me or you. So, while I'm content to drift in an endless nature, it's in that wanderlust I find my soul nurtured. It may be strange to some and down right scary to others, to have no end in sight, but for all it's perceived haunts this path is my plight. Regardless, I'll continue on and push forward because life never comes with a foreword. There's no preset plan to guide us through there is really only you. Who knows? Maybe some day you'll find those moments that feel like home and you'll watch your soul grow.