Duality

Life's hard enough, but trying to be two people at once makes the struggle tough. Caught in between the private and the public, figuring out if it's all even that worth it. Like a sheep in wolf's clothing, something feels off when you're so full of self-loathing. What's the difference between the real and the lie if when you look into the mirror and can't meet your own eyes? Is there even a point to it all when most of the time it feels like the slightest breeze will make it fall? Wrapped up in layer upon layer of doubt and self-criticism, the world only helps to fuel the crippling cynicism. People seem to be fake and unreal, but that's because of your fake ideals. But it's kind of like calling the kettle black when you're just as fake as the people you attack. Deflecting the insecurities hidden deep down, forcing them onto others all around. Struggling to reconcile who you are with what you are, mind, heart, and soul at war. Are you really fighting the good fight or just another guy with problems and perceived slights?

Jake and Ralphy Part 1: The Girl

It’s nice to wake up with someone lying next to in bed and the subtle shifting of another body is what woke Jake up on this Sunday.  Pleased with his seemingly good luck, he stretched his hand over to get a quick feel  of his new partner. His hand, however, landed on something decidedly inhuman and as a matter of fact quite furry, it took his brain a few sleep-burdened moments to process this information before he recoiled and sat up.

“Ralphy, what the hell?” he screamed.

The sheets and comforter soon become a chaotic flopping mess as the form of a small Jack Russell Terrier freed itself from the bed’s clutches, “What?! Huh?! Who’s here?” the small, raspy voice came from the pup with a slight Brooklyn accent.

“God, man I told you no sleeping in the bed.” Jake got out of bed, holding his head a bit as he shuffled over to his dresser. “Man I gotta stop drinking so much.” He muttered to himself.

“You know, you keep saying that,” Ralphy jumped down from the bed, his claws clacking on the wooden floor, “But you’ve never really given me a good reason as to why I can’t.”

“Because!” Jake angrily removed a pair of jeans and some other clothes from his dresser, “You shed a ridiculous amount and it’s ridiculously itchy.”

“Oh come on Jake, I don’t shed that much.” He protested as Jake stared him down giving the comforter a firm slap releasing a cloud of dog hairs into the air, “…All right you got me there, then at least buy me a bed man, this floor sucks.”

“Be happy you have anywhere to sleep, runt.” Jake walked into their bathroom, shutting the door behind him as he started the shower up.

Ralphy trotted out, following his owner as far as the living room, muttering Jake’s last words in a mocking tone. He looked around their small living space for something to do in the meantime. For humans it was a pretty decent place, not so much for dogs though. The only chewable things in the apartment were deemed “non-chewable” by the human and since the human is the one who buys the food Ralphy did his best to respect those rules. With nothing else to do Ralphy made his way into the kitchen to prepare himself breakfast and by “prepare himself breakfast” he meant tipping the food bag over and diving in head first, eating until Jake pulled him out. Since this was the morning shower after a particularly boozy night, Ralphy estimated he had at least 15 minutes for his feast, which in dog time is like 3 months.

The duo had been together for a few months now, starting when Ralphy was around 4 months old. He was a free pet given to Jake after a rough break-up as a way to cope. Neither Ralphy, Jake, nor the previous owner knew that Ralphy could talk at the time and no one since has really been able to explain how he can. However, with all the weird things that happen in New York most people just kind of roll with it and don’t question it much. You gotta love the big city.

Deep into his breakfast feast Ralphy didn’t hear the footsteps behind him and as a result he was suddenly in the air. The squirming kicked in almost immediately trying to fight off this unknown assailant, that is until he heard the click of a leash being attached to his blue suede collar.

“Huh, what’s going on?” Ralphy looked up at his owner, tail wagging hard enough to almost tip him sideways.

“We’re going to the store, you’re right, it’s time I bought some things for you.” Jake collected his keys and wallet, phone already tucked into his upper shirt pocket.

“You…you actually listened to me?” Ralphy said with a fake sniffle in his voice.

“It’s kinda hard not to listen man, you never shut up.” Jake laughed opening up the front door.

“Harsh man, harsh.” Ralphy led the way out as Jake locked the door behind them.

Despite being only a puppy, Ralphy had the attitude and mannerisms of a 20-something year old person which makes him advanced for his own species. It was easy sometimes to forget that he even was a dog and not a loudmouth roommate who doesn’t pay rent and constantly hassles you. But even with all that, he was a great coping buddy for Jake and really helped smooth the transition back to single life.

Halfway down the hall the dynamic duo ran into their neighbor from two doors over Melissa, a cute brunette with a passion for vintage but not enough to be considered hipster. Both her and Jake had a lot in common, but in the weeks since she’s moved in not a word has been said between them, only what information he can siphon through the walls. This time was no different, an awkward smile and hurried shuffle as they walked by. Jake and Ralphy then quietly got onto the elevator and took the moment between the doors closing to watch her walk away, which was a sight in itself.

“So, uh, you ever gonna man up and talk to her?” Ralphy queried as he led Jake out of the elevator and out of the building.

“Shut up man, I’ll do it eventually.” Jake was quickly on the defensive.

“You said the same thing about P90X and going vegan.” The pup chided.

“I also said that about neutering you, but I can move that up the schedule if you’d like.” He glared down at Ralphy with a slight smirk.

“Point taken.” He concluded as they made their way down the street which was surprisingly not busy.

The rest of the walk consisted of idle chit-chat like with any person, complain about the fall weather, convinced thoughts that this year will be the year of the Jets, and plans for the day.  Once at the pet store, Ralphy was ecstatic from all the instant praise he got for his mere presence there. Claims of him being a good boy where thrown around like the phrase had no meaning.  The shopping didn’t enthrall young Ralphy as much as the doting.

When the initial compliments were done, Jake lifted Ralphy up placing him in the little basket in the front of shopping carts that is usually reserved for purses or children. Since Jake had neither of those things, Ralphy was granted special privilege and has yet to squander a chance to pretend to captain a ship. They were usually short voyages though, since a typical shopping trip consisted of a bag of food and a bag of treats, today however was a special extended trip. They made their way up and down the aisles throwing in toys aplenty and some new bedding supplies.

“You know, you make for a decent first mate there Jake, I think I’ll keep you aboard for now.” Ralphy joked as they made their way to the registers.

“Thanks for the performance review Captain Scruffybeard.” Jake smiled as he stopped the cart to make one last mental check that they had everything they needed.

“I was thinking though,” Ralphy said after a moment of silence, which Jake met with a muted ‘oh boy’, “If you’re too scared of Melissa, maybe try asking out that cashier Allie. She might be a bit more your speed.”

Jake took a moment to look over at her, another cute girl, a soft blonde color to her hair that was complimented by a set of brown eyes. “I’ve caught her looking at you a few times when we come in.” Ralphy continued.

“Oh, so now you’re not only a pirate captain, but also a matchmaker? Sorry, but I think I’ll pass and trust my human instinct that she’s not interested.” Jake retorted pushing their cart towards her register.

Allie smiled at them both, giving Ralphy a quick pet as Jake loaded the items onto the counter. She was even more attractive up close and Jake began to feel a bit intimidated by being this close. The silence really helped boost his confidence as well.

“Well Alice, Jake here was telling me something pretty interesting.” Ralphy finally was the one man enough to start talking despite getting a heavy staredown from his owner.

“Oh? And what exactly would that be?” She smiled looking between the boys, her voiced slowed down by the subtle southern twang that she had picked up from her small city mother.

“He said that he would actually fan-“ He began smugly before being cut off by an abrupt hand over the muzzle.

“Don’t mind him, new heartworm medication so he’s been saying some goofy stuff lately.” Jake attempted at veering the conversation off course.

“Aww, does our little man here have heartworms?” She gave Ralphy’s chest a quick rub as she finished ringing things up. “Feel better soon Ralphy.” After paying, Jake folded up the receipt and stuffed in his pocket before waving goodbye and leaving the store, bags in tow.

The walk home was a quiet one, Jake still upset at the near social disaster that was caused by an overly-nosey dog. Ralphy had a penchant for sniffing around in Jake’s personal life, so much so that he began to doubt that Ralphy wasn’t half beagle. The dog was quite proud of himself though, walking home with his tail held just a little bit higher than usual. They didn’t run into Melissa on their way back to the apartment, so the door was unlocked and the pair got ready for the rest of their free afternoon. Jake tossed the bags on the counter, taking out the stuffed fire hydrant toy and tossing it into the waiting jaws of a hungry young pup.

Jake grabbed a water out of the fridge and then sat down on the couch heavily sighing as he descended. Scooping the remote up in his hand and kicking his feet up on the table, it was time to catch some crap that was on TV and figure out his night plans. It was either go out to the bar and maybe meet up with a friend or staying in and drinking with Ralphy.  He groaned at the thought of either as he dug in his pocket trying to fish out whatever was down there messing with his leg.

“So whafs tha deal?” Ralphy said with the hydrant still stuffed in his mouth as he jumped up onto the couch.

“I guess nothing,” Jake sighed again pulling the crumpled receipt from the pet store out of his pocket, unravelling it out of boredom. “Actually….it looks like I might have plans after all.” He said with a slight grin.

Ralphy tilted his head in confusion, “What are you talking about?” He dropped the hydrant toy out of mouth as the receipt was held before him. It looked normal until Ralphy trailed to the bottom of the receipt where Allie had written down her phone number. “No way. See? I told you man! Never doubt a dog’s instincts!”

Jake smiled more and gave Ralphy a playful shove, “Well I suppose I should see where this goes.”

Unrequited

Have you ever loved someone to such an extent that the intent of calling them your whole world isn't enough? Because it's tough to take something so complex as love and give it some sort of physical pretext. So, words struggle to form in your head because how can you find the words for her form. Is her hair as golden as the radiant sun or is its hue more a straw-colored one? She becomes to beautiful for your feeble attempts at comparison and the metaphors struggle to come. Trying to compare the incomparable winds up creating cliched parables that sound more like the writings of maniac than the clever romantic. The hair being impossible to describe, let alone the pale blue-maybe grey-eyes even harder still, a beauty unattainable in words like Helen of Troy, you retreat to the feelings that make you feel like a boy. Again, you're stuck with nothing but overused tropes of butterfly-infested stomachs and how without her you are at the end of your rope. How does one even put such feelings into lines of prose? Why did you think you'd be able to match the literary pros?  Fractured sentences and fragmented ideas are swept into a pile whilst you still struggle all the while. It has become a love dug deep into the heart where the truest feelings begin to seep. Because whether her hair is golden or straw, her eyes blue or grey, you hem and haw looking for words buried in the dictionary to express a love that is anything but ordinary. But in the end the entire struggle was to no avail because there was no hope for you to ever prevail. A heart is put on a sleeve, a naive hope is held onto to believe. A fleeting belief that love still exists between the muse and yourself. Feelings are stored on a shelf in a hope to be shared with her again because they still consume so much of your world. But the love has been replaced by pain and that pain replaced by regret, and the regret, well that's replaced with a hope that you'll be able to forget. Be able to leave behind the longing and wondering, wondering if it'll ever be all right. If maybe you could some how forget the softness in her voice when she said good night or how when the conversation seemed to stop, so did the whole world with it. It's hard not to imagine how her smile seemed to somehow send chills down my spine, yet all I wanted was it to be the only image in my mind. And yet for all these feelings it's hardest knowing they aren't returned and may never be, but somehow that's fine with me.

Drifting

     It's hard to explain the sensation of being stranded in the middle of the universe. And I don't mean some far away planet or some backwards concept that somehow our little pebble is the center of All. The best thing I can think of to describe it is, have you ever been out swimming out in a large body of water? You know that part you get to where your feet no longer touch the ground, but just sort of dangle there. There's still a sense of things around you, you can feel the water currents, the air, your own body moving. But out there stuck in the final frontier there's nothing, your whole body just dangles there in space with nothing supporting you.
      So, some backstory would probably help explain as to why I'm here, but honestly...I don't even really remember, I remember being asleep and then I'm here. Was I part of some alien abduction gone wrong? Was the spaceship low on fuel so they had to jettison something and gave me the cargo treatment? I've been here for about a week and there's been no salvage mission so I don't think I'm lost cargo. You'd think if you're gonna use resources to get something you wanna make sure you get it right? Plus I don't see any planets nearby, but then again they could have used hyperspace...or is it hyperdrive? Light speed?...maybe ludicrous speed....look honestly I have no idea how my car works, let alone space travel.
     And that's it I guess. I know it's anti-climatic, but next time you black out and wind up in the middle of space I'd like to hear your version of events. Not that I could hear it because there's no sounds in space, which makes my attempts at crying for help pointless, but the indomitable human spirit prevents me from not trying. Maybe I'm not human though, it might help how I survived the vacuum of space. I still have no real idea on that one, All the studies I've done (i.e. making an educated guess based on observation) I'm like 95 percent sure I'm human....maybe 85 percent.... The only other thought I had was maybe I was some sort of celestial being given physical form. A powerful entity meant to restore order to the cosmos like Galactus or Thanos. .....Wait those are both bad guys aren't they?
     In any case, I highly doubt that as a possibility because if it were true I think I'd be able to move in some fashion other that aimless drifting. It has given me an incredible amount of time to think about things though or at least I feel like I've had a long time because in space time literally does not care about you. To the universe, currently, I am like a bag in the wind....some random chunk of garbage that will soon flutter on to bother someone else. The feeling isn't that bad though, I'm honestly a lot happier than I have been in awhile. I mean, yeah, there was tons of stuff I still wanted to due back on Earth, but I was also a twenty-something struggling artist who had nothing, but a cell phone, empty wallet, and for some reason a pack of matches to his name when he was expelled into the ether. If art is supposed to be about seeing the universe differently and achieving higher thought or whatever snooty people are saying these days then I've at least succeeded in something.
     I don't know if I really want to go back to Earth though. I did say there was stuff I wanted to do, but tons of people have stuff they want to do and never do. Can't really blame a guy for giving up when there's no real solution, it's not even giving up then is it? I mean if I was captured by some alien race then I could fight back. Theoretically speaking of course because I'd have some enemy to against, a face to the evil, but there isn't so I can't. It's a bit fatalist, sure, but I'm also a realist. A realist artist seems like an oxy moron, but I do what's real. Hell if I even know what's happening currently is real, could all be just some severe reaction to a bad bowl of ramen or whatever. Who knows....I don't really know what this is all supposed to be, a good bye note or something maybe. No matter what it is, how are people even going to see this?
     Whatever, all I know is that in my brief, or long again no sense of time, out here in nothingness I don't think I've learned any big life lessons or universal truths to pass along to whoever this gets this. Sorry, man, if I had something I'd definitely share it, but sometimes things just happen in this universe and you just happen to be caught up in something. Wait, maybe there's the lesson I was supposed to learn. Shit happens.......did I do it? Is this one of those "solve the puzzle and be set free" deals? Nevermind, no one's even listening. To whoever gets this message promise me this....promise me you'll tell someone, anyone, you love them. Sorry, again, if you were expecting something more important, I don't have a wife or anything for you to give a dying message to....so I don't know make something up, you're smart. I assume you're smart because you somehow got this message and if you're not smart then whatever still go find someone to love...or something. I honestly don't care, love is complicated so follow your heart.

Tired Eyes

Tired eyes stare at blank pages
Time passes by fading into the ages
Desperation tries to force perspiration into inspiration

Darkness seeps into the bones
As weary minds dream of home
Exhausted minds fight the binds of time

A quiet voice makes a quiet plea
Something to help them flee
Escape the pain the seems to come without gain

Tired eyes slowly close shut
Their time, finally up
A lost fight, but never a fruitless plight

Reflections

     Have you ever wondered if there's something more to mirrors? Like maybe behind the glass is some sort of alternate world that could be entered if you only knew how. I remember as a kid I used to stand sideways in front of the mirror and try to look at it out of the corners of my eyes. Maybe, just maybe, I could trick the man in the mirror into thinking I wasn't looking and then if I could only just catch him moving I'd have a way into this secret world.
     It's a surreal experience sometimes if you take the effort to just stare into a mirror. Take out all noise and external influences, strip it all down to just you and "yourself", if it can be called yourself. Mirrors really offer us a strange look at ourselves because we only see a reflection and that reflection is changed by our various perceptions...so what are we really seeing? Is it what everyone else sees, some idealized version of ourselves, or even a worse version depending on your self-esteem? Whenever I reached my hand out towards the mirror I wished it would reach back and pull me in.
     I never could imagine what to expect once I crossed through, would it be a whole other world? Or would I be trapped in a permanent state, stuck to that one mirror? I still sometimes wish I could transport somewhere else like that. Just go someplace completely unknown and find something totally new, strange, and all together fascinating.

Weighted Words

The say poetry is a great way to bear your soul, but is the picture we get really whole? Constructed

sentences and grammatical rules force the images and ideologies into the confines of reality. All because we

are tying to be as real as we can be. Words chosen with precision and hopeful decisions that what we say

and when we say it makes some sort of tiny difference, trying to build up some sort of self-defense by tearing

down this emotional wall. That somehow the feelings that made up its mortar would also fall, yet as it all

tumbles down the world appears that much more terrifying all around. Another trust shattered, another heart

broken. Another wall built, another set of words carefully spoken. Hoping this time to permit the vulnerability

without the risk of facing that same sense of fragility. No longer tearing down entire walls, but instead building

little windows and doors. Allowing a look inside and visitors to come and go, but preventing any of the hurt

that came before.