Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 3

     Sam woke up stretching, muscles aching from sleeping in such god awful conditions. 9:30 AM....still somewhat on track as best as he could estimate. Cross country driving was becoming a bit exhausting and more than once he had thought about just turning around and ending this crusade. Sam unbuckled and stepped out of the car dusting off his acid wash jeans. He wasn't a big fan of them, the blotches all over them reminded him of a Rorschach test, but Remi was and that was more than enough for him to buy a pair or two. Sam sighed a bit arching his neck to the left and banged hard on the car's roof, waking up Glenn who was tanning outside.
     "What's the story morning glory?" Glenn blinked himself awake and sat up.
     "Come on," Sam motioned for him to come down, "let's get going. I don't want to be late."
     "You know Sam, I've been thinking." Glenn said as he jumped down off the car.
     Sam rolled his eyes and sighed, "Here we go."
     "Take it seriously this time and stop avoiding the question." Glenn looked dead into Sam's eyes, which froze Sam in place. "Why are we doing this? Why are you sacrificing your time and money to drive across the map for her?"
     "For love, I thought that was kind of obvious." Sam shrugged.
     "Bullshit."
     "I don't know what else to tell you man." Sam dropped his head and got into the car.
     Glenn followed in begrudgingly, "Dude, we've been friends since we were like 4. I know you're hiding something and God willing I'm going to find out what."
     "If you say so Glenn. Why would I even keep secrets? You literally know everything about me." Sam turned the key and started up the car, slowly pulling back out onto the highway.

3 Months Ago

      Sam inhaled sharply and began coughing hard into the sleeve of his shirt. The fit was violent enough to stop his walk to school and he took a moment to breathe as Glenn rolled up. Glenn gave him a few hard pats on the back to knock it out and Sam waved him off, straightening up. The coughing started about a week ago, but it was starting to get worse. This was the first time Sam had been caught though, but it was easily brushed off with an excuse of swallowing a bug.
      Glenn hopped off his bike and walked next to Sam as they continued onward. Sam managed to muffle the coughs enough that they were barely noticeable anymore and pulled out his phone, creasing a half smile.
      "So who's this girl you're texting?" Glenn looked over with a Cheshire Cat grin.
      "No one, and how do you even know if it's a girl?" Sam stuffed his phone back in his pocket without responding.
      "Dude you don't text like anyone...ever." Glenn laughed, "So the only reason you'd be smiling at your phone is if some cutie is texting you."
      "Shut up." He shoved Glenn jokingly as he sped up his walk, "Come on we're gonna be late."
      Ducking conversations wasn't Sam's forte, but he still wasn't sure how to tell anyone about Remi or if he even should. As in love with her as he was they weren't dating or even close to, they were simply friends. He had began texting her more frequently within the past week or so, but in the effort of not wanting to seem different Sam held off popping the question so to speak.
      The next week or so proceeded much in the same way. Wake up, coughing, get dressed, coughing, shower, violent coughing, school. Anytime something new entered Sam's life it just became integrated as a part of his routine. He didn't get sick often and when he did it was over in a couple days, this newest fit just seemed to be a bit more persistent. Or so he thought sitting in the doctor's office, whom his mother insisted they go see. Growing bored and restless for an actual doctor to show up, Sam pulled out his phone and lightly kicked the back of his heels against the uncomfortable bench/bed contraption in the room.
      "Hayyy" read the text from Remi.
      "Hey, what's up?"
      "NM. just sitting in class super bored."
      "Sucks to be you. :)"
      "Ya i no. Wbu?"
      "Doctor's appointment, so I get the day off."
      "Aww is my poor bby sick?"
      Sam blushed fairly noticeably, he wasn't sure if the fluttering in his chest was caused by her or his current issues. In any case he was now light-headed, staring down at his phone. He lay back on the exam table hoping that the reorientation would balance him out while he waited on the doctor still. It was impossible to tell if she was actually flirting with him or being sarcastic, texts are a hard thing to decipher and as far as they knew a sarcastic emoji hasn't been made yet. Sam sat back up, readjusting his clothes, as the doctor came in. She was another beautiful woman with dark red hair and just the right amount of freckles in her mid-30s.
     "Samuel Bennent?" She said, as she looked up hoping to get some visual cue from me that this was in fact the right room. I responded with a polite nod and "mhm".
     "All right," She half smiled, "Good and bad news for you kiddo," Sam didn't much appreciate the condescending tone, but took it anyways, "Bad news is we don't know exactly whats going on, but good news is I don't think it's anything too serious. Probably just some viral bronchitis."
     Sam didn't really appreciate the half-hearted diagnosis either, but she had a medical degree and he didn't so there wasn't much he could do in protest, "So.....what can I do?"
     "Currently? Not so much." She flipped through the papers on her clipboard, "The nurse will come back in get some blood and we'll run some tests. In the meantime here is a prescription for some medicine that should help with the cough. Anything else I should know about before hand though?" She said, handing me the prescription slip.
     Sam took a moment to decide whether or not the chest flutters and light-head were relevant, he quickly then shook his head. After another half an hour or so, the blood was drawn and bandages were applied, Sam was graciously set free after a whole day wasted. He walked back out to his car and sighed running a hand through his hair, Sam sat in the car for a minute to recollect himself. What do they mean they don't know? He fought over this idea for awhile, growing increasingly concerned with himself. Is there something seriously wrong with him?
     "Heyyy evrything OK? U didnt txt me bck" Sam read the text from Remi and tossed his phone into the passenger seat, starting the car. He pulled out and started the drive home deciding to text her back once he was in the comfort of his own bed. Plus with a pounding head and chest, texting and driving was only that much more dangerous. Walking through the door and quickly to his room, avoiding talking to anyone as he sped by, Sam flopped down face first into his bed sighing heavily.
     "Yeah, I'm fine." he finally responded.
     "Then wat took sooooo long to txt back? :P" As if to get him back her response also took a minute or two longer.
     "I was driving. Sorry, doctor says it's just a bad cough or something."
     "Good :) Cant have anything happen to my lil Sammy now can i?"
     The flutters returned, "Lil Sammy?"
     "lol yea dont u lik it? I only give cute boiis nicknames." Sam could almost hear her giggle, a soft and brief chuckle that hid sincerity with coyness.
     "And I qualify as cute?"
     "Cute enuff @ least lol" There was her giggle again and Sam could feel his head get lighter with the influx of emotions and change in bloodflow. "Wat about me Sammy?"
     "I wouldn't say cute, you're more hot." Before Sam could fully realize what he had sent or regain composure the text was gone and out there into the ether of wireless text messaging, data clouds.
     "O realy?" Sam didn't have a chance to fully read her text as short as it was before another message came up, this time a photo attachment from Remi. This was different from the one he found lurking before and the juxtaposition of the image he had in his head and the one she sent was a shock to the system. The first photo had all the airbrushed perfection of supermodels, the type of beauty that causes infatuation and fills the fantasy of pubescent boys and lonely adults. The second picture, the one Sam received now, was so different and stripped down that were it not for her unusually piercing eyes it'd be hard to tell they were the same person.
     This new photo was removed of all photoshop edits and Instagram filters, every blemish and flaw was right there for him to see. In the realness of it all, Sam realized her beauty was elevated to an even higher plane. It was a simple self-photograph of her in bed, but the way her hair fell over the middle of her face, how her lips curled into a manifestation of sexual tensions as she gently bit her index finger, the soft fluorescent lighting of the average American home, all of this crystallized the fact that Sam was so far deep in love with her.

Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 2

      Sam yawned, rubbing one eye with the palm of his left hand while the right maintained a death grip on the wheel. The radio was blaring some unintelligible pop music as the clock read 2:14 A.M. His body and mind both ached for the embrace of sleep and Glenn's unbelievably loud snoring wasn't helping much. Sam let out a long and heavy sigh leaning back into his seat.
      "This is a hell of a lot longer than I thought," He groaned, glancing over at Glenn, "Screw it."
      Sam pulled over onto the side of the road, making sure he was fully on the gravel. He then shut off the car and settled back into the darkness as his headlights went out. The change in motion was enough to at least stir Glenn who shifted around in his seat and grumbled something about bacon and cats. Sleep talking was always Sam's favorite part about him. He checked his phone in hopes of a message, but at the sight of nothing but a glaring light Sam put his phone up and pulled the lever letting his seat back down as he tried getting some sleep.
      Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Sam bolted upright upon hearing the third vibration and grabbed his phone. A puzzled look crossed his face as there were no new messages or calls. 7 A.M. is a very confusing time for most people who are really lacking in the sleep department and just slept 5 hours in a car. He looked over again at Glenn who was wide awake and texting. Sam again groaned and flopped back into his seat/bed finally identifying the mysterious buzzing.
      "So, when are we getting this show on the road?" Glenn mused, furiously tapping away on his phone.
      "When I feel more like it." Sam replied as he closed his eyes hoping to get a few more hours of sleep.
      Glenn shrugged and unbuckled himself, stepping outside. By his own estimation they were somewhere in Indiana, an estimation made by the amount of nothing to do in their vicinity. The big sign reading Caramel, IN also helped, but Glenn gave most of the credit to his pioneering intuition. They were about a third of the way through their journey at this point. The downtime bored Glenn who decided it best to trust his pioneering intuition and wandered off, leaving Sam asleep and alone.
       "I really hope this is worth our time." Glenn sighed as he trotted off.

                                                                             4 months ago

      Failure set Sam up for contentedness as the massive screw-up that was talking to Remi only furthered the idea that he didn't need a romantic relationship right now. Or ever for that matter, but Sam was being a little over dramatic. He shuffled out of bed, grabbing a pile of assorted clothes hoping there was enough to make on outfit. A quick shower and teeth-brushing later Sam was out the door heading to school. The school was about a mile from his house, but seeing as he didn't play sports or work-out this was his daily exercise. That is until winter came, then it was car rides because screw the cold. Sam ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back into a sort of comb over, sort of bed-head type of fashion that was more lazy than stylish. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Confused, he grabbed his phone after letting it ring just to make sure someone was actually contacting him.

     "Hey, it's Remi. I stole ur # off Facebook." the text read.

     "Hey?" he replied.

     "Sry I no its weird I just wanted to apologize for being a bitch that time we talked."

     "No. I mean it's OK I was kinda weird for messaging you in the first place."

     "LOL its fine I get messaged by random dudes I add all the time."

     "Then why add random dudes?"

     "IDK. Sumtimes I get bored and add random people I think are cute."

     Sam blushed looking at his phone and almost walked into a tree. It's not often he was called cute, let alone acknowledged by another human being. Suffice it to say, he was well thrown-off and it took a minute or two for him to recover and take the stupid grin off his face. However, the conversation had to end as he quickly stuffed his phone into his pocket while Glenn rode up beside him on his Schwinn.
     "Hop on!" Glenn motioned his head backwards to his begs and Sam hopped up, placing his hands on Glenn's shoulders.
     Most of the time Sam declined the offer of a ride and they just went on side-by-side, but Sam didn't want to risk pulling out his phone and having Glenn steal it. There was nothing going on between him and Remi, but the mere mention of the word cute would set Glenn off on another one of his chivalrous rampages. Any time he even sensed that Sam was interested in someone Glenn went off like a bloodhound hunting a fox. It was an eerie 6th sense that he had, but it never amounted to much for Sam other than an occasional "he seems nice, but he's not my type" or the one in a million occurrence that ended up in one date of awkward silence and a polite, but reluctant, hug at the end to signify "well it was a total failure I guess".
     Thankfully for Sam, during the ride his phone didn't ring anymore and was quiet throughout classes. The silence was usual, but given the mornings events it seemed weird for once to him. His mind instantly began racing around all the possible points at where he went wrong. Was he too apathetic? Too abrasive seeming? Should he have responded to being called cute by calling her cute? Oh god, he ruined every chance he ever had with the one girl he'd ever had a shot at. The one time he had a perfect chance at love, it was over too soon. Or so Sam thought at least, men in love or infatuation are oft prone to melodramatics and over-analysis. And then in the most serendipitous of moments his phone rang once again as the final bell rang. Deciding to play it cool, Sam slung his backpack around sliding the straps up onto his shoulders and made his way to the locker. Locker 238, ain't it great? He mumbled mnemonic device under his breath as a reminder of how stupid he can be sometimes.
     Once there, he opened it up and hid behind the door to conceal his phone from any would-be peeping toms. Sam couldn't unlock his phone fast enough to check the text. As it opened he let out a disappointed sigh, a text from his mom telling him she left pizza money on the table was all that his phone held. Nothing new from Remi. Sam shut his locker hard and made his way back home, carrying a disgruntled look as he went. But about halfway home, Sam gave way to the temptation in his head and pulled out his phone again opening Facebook. His thumb twitched a bit with nervousness as he navigated to Remi's profile, deciding to get a look at this girl and see what he could assess.
      Soft green eyes and a tannish complexion dotted with the occasional freckle that was so light Sam had to squint to see it. Pale lips, curled into an expression that wasn't quite smile and wasn't quite smirk, but held in it a wonder of secrets unknown to Sam. Jet black hair pulled into a braid, coming down the right side of her head and hanging loosely next to her neck that was slightly arched to the left.
      Sam was caught off-guard by the picture as he locked eyes with hers, the screen went black after a few moments locking itself, and Sam was now caught in his own gaze. Short, polished looking blondish hair where everything seemed in place. Dull, brown eyes that carried nothing in them except the contentedness that comes from mundane life. A pale complexion from too many hours indoors and a general average look that made him look like 4 out of every 5 people. By comparison the pair were on different ends of the spectrum. Remi was a piece of perfection that takes hours of make-up and retouching to even hope of being half as beautiful as she was. Sam on the other hand was a factory model 18-year-old white male with no distinguishing features.
      Later that night Sam lay sprawled out on the couch with a box of pizza laying on his chest. He apathetically chewed on slices as he flipped through the channels. 500 channels and nothing to watch but terrible shows, terrible movies, terrible movies about shows, and so on and so forth. Click after click Sam couldn't settle on anything and as he switched through the faces slowly turned into Remi's. For all intents and purposes she was virtually, no pun intended, a stranger to him. And yet despite that, despite all the rationalizations that Sam went through, she never left his mind that night. For better or worse, Sam was set on her. It wasn't often that he felt this convicted about something or someone, so he knew it had to be that special once in a lifetime love.

Love Lost

Sometimes it's hard to feel loved

Especially if you've never loved yourself.

It's hard to pour out emotions to anyone

When you've been conditioned to hold it all in.

Creating a build up of pressure with no release

Just waiting to burst at the slightest inclination taking everyone with it.

It's hard to hate yourself and love another

Their perfections glorify your flaws.

They shed light on the cracks you cover

Until you hold them on high in one hand and dig yourself a grave with the other.

Like somehow they are unflawed and by comparison you are unworthy, unlovable, un....wanted.

You love them and they very well may love you back

But without self-love it's just an explosion waiting to happen.

Maturity

I like to boast in my maturity and claim to be an adult, but most of the time that charade feels like it's going to fall apart. I enjoy being a kind and doing childish things and all of the joy it seems to bring. At least it brings joys to someone else because inside I just hate myself. In my heart of hearts I'm a child yearning from love, I need physical validation not some being up above. I act confident in myself, but it's really just another masked picked up off the shelf. My head is a sea of screaming, voices calling out "Look at me!" and "Somebody love me", and I can't escape the feeling. I pour myself out for everyone, yet in the end I'm left alone. Maturity set aside, I'm just a child crying inside. 

The Tithe of War Part III: Wrath

    I awoke in a fog of dank smells and shuffling feet. My senses quickly gathered themselves and I lashed outward at the cage in front of me. A loud yell and powerful punch aimed at the bars ended in nothing, but a possibly broken hand and cathartic release. That damned woman, I should've known she was up to something. She was always a schemer and a hell of a tactician. I had to hand it to Artymexia, she had this well planned out and it worked. Damn my arrogance! I sat down in my cell, resigning myself to quiet thoughts and pondering my own escape. The dragonkin would expect something clever from an elf, so I can scratch off trying to snatch it from a guard as he walks by. I could rush them as they bring in food, they'll have to keep me alive, but I expect they'd bring multiple guards and use their flames to keep me at bay.
    "Oh how the mighty have fallen." a voice jeered as it shuffled towards my cell.
    "Tch - couldn't think of anything better than that?" I almost laughed, but managed to contain it.
    "Smart talk coming from a guy in prison." I was finally greeted by the large scowling face of their General Commander Orsu.
     He entered the cell rather abruptly, almost tearing the door off, and his tail swished back and forth as he sauntered in. Orsu clearly thought pretty highly of himself for capturing me and his promotion for said action, but if he's anything like I remember he's dumb and will slip up eventually. Soon rather than later hopefully, I didn't have time to waste on these cretins. I stood up coming barely up to Orsu's nostrils, which pumped out hot breaths onto my face. Quickly scanning him over, he lacked a lot of the scars and missing scales that an average dragonkin would have, meaning a cushy life handed to him by what would most likely be merchant parents who bought his rank. Orsu clearly lacked any competent battle skills, but still his impressive size relative to mine and the lack of weapons on my end made things doubly difficult.
     "You know, I don't exactly know why we're keeping you alive Elfin." he sneered, leaning his body over mine, trying to assert dominance.
     I smirked staring back at him, "And I don't know how a soft belly like you made it to Commander."
     That one struck a nerve, dragonkin are known for having remarkably resilient bodies being able to resist a lot of punishment, so calling one a soft belly was challenging their status as a soldier. It's almost the equivalent of calling someone stupid, but the dragonkin's impressive strength left little room for intelligence, so insulting their intelligence is futile.
     Orsu cocked his fist back as far as it could go, "You're going to pay for that one."
     Despite his size, Orsu is deceptively quick, but not quick enough. It took a simple feign right dodge and he tumbled off balance.
     "Oh am I now?" I smiled, kicking his back hard, sending him to the ground before taking off out of the cell and down the hall way.
     I wanted to begin laughing, but before I could I managed to run into a dragonkin's arm and subsequently get clothes-lined. The laughter was substituted with coughing and gagging before a being knocked out and dragged away. I blinked my eyes open again and my head was ringing. The blood crusted on my face made my skin feel uncomfortable and the upside down orientation was off-putting. They were smart enough this time to cuff my hands and feet, adding the extra precaution to dangle me upside down.
     "Thought you could scamper off could you?" Orsu growled, obviously upset.
     "Well," I coughed, throat feeling rough from being passed out, "your kind isn't exactly known for speed."
     "Yeah well your kind is known for being rich and I think I can get a good price for you."
     "What the hell do the dragonkins want with Elven gold?" It seemed odd to ransom me, our currency had no exchange rate as we never traded with them, which also meant I wouldn't be ransomed but I couldn't let them know.
     "We may not use it, but the humans do." Orsu grinned pulling me by my hair and bringing my face up to his, "And they'll hand over plenty of their fancy weapons and explosives for it." He laughed before slamming me down again, racking my head hard against the wall. In the second I had before being knocked out, I tried hard to remember what he said. Trading weapons was illegal no matter your species. What were they up to now?

Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 1

The car pulled into the gas station with a small whine. The brakes could probably use replacing soon, but there wasn’t much time for repairs at least not today. Once to a full stop, two boys about 18 stepped out both stretching hard. Bones and joints cracked and popped as they yawned looking over at each other. The air was stale and dry, but it was better than sitting in that car for any longer.

          “Hey, I’m gonna go inside and grab some food.” One of the boys called to the other.

          The remaining boy simply nodded and walked to the back of the car and got ready to begin filling up the gas. He ran a hand through his sand-blonde hair as he leaned back against the gas station pump. The bags around his eyes were getting pretty bad, but they only had a few more hours to go. He leaned down to get a look at himself in the mirror and tried to polish himself up as best he could. Fidgeting with his hair and shirt nothing seemed to settle right for him.

          “Is this too casual? Maybe I should button a few up.” He muttered to himself as he did up a few buttons before the meter clicked off.

          He stood back up and topped off the gas to make the amount even. He sighed as he put the nozzle back in and turned around to go inside and pay. As he began heading in the other boy came out waving to him. After a few minutes he came back out, cramming a receipt into his pocket and holding a 1 liter Coke bottle in the other.

          “Still can’t decide on your outfit Sam?” He laughed as he leaned against the car, crossing his arms on the hood.

          “You know what Glenn you can shut up.” He began patting himself down for the keys.

          Glenn just smiled and pulled his sweatshirt up over his shoulders before opening the car door. It whined as he pulled on it and much like everything else with the car it seemed like it was about to fall off. They both slid in and strapped themselves in, hoping to finish off the last leg of this adventure in one shot.

5 months ago

          Sam lay in his bed yawning with a laptop resting on his chest. It wasn’t an exciting life he lived, but it was comfortable and easy. Before everything changed that is, but for now he was a simple 4.0 GPA, all around nerd that really didn’t ever venture out of Small Haven, the cheesiest town ever. With its Ma & Pa stores and population of around 12 it was hard to believe that anyone would be content living here.

          Small Haven was the type of town you find in a Hallmark movie. Everything is perfectly serene and in place. Nothing ever goes wrong and everyone knows everyone. The perfect type of town that is perfect for someone who just wants a safe and comfortable life with no hardships, but no excitement as well. Sam was stuck here and was completely fine with the status quo. The high school was small as well and offered little for a non-rebel like Sam. Glenn was only friends with him because they were neighbors and it seemed tradition in Small Haven that any neighbors with children were forced to co-mingle. Again this was more than a fine arrangement for Sam and Glenn seemed content as well, they even planned to go to the same college together, but Glenn had plans larger than their hometown. He had plans to move out West somewhere, he didn’t care wear, and start his writing career. Sam, on the other hand, knew he would go into IT somewhere but when asked where he drew a blank. He always thought he’d grab a map and a dart then let fate decide, but he was always scared of where it’d land.

          A small town that left little room for friends also left little room for girlfriends. Sam wasn’t socially awkward or terrible with women; he was simply disinterested and possibly afraid. The high school didn’t offer much variety either, which only helped to stunt his growth in this area. There wasn’t much point in dating for the sake of dating and by the time your graduating it seemed pointless to date because then what if you don’t go to the same college? What if we just break up? Why date for only a few months then? Or at least these are the ways the Sam always justified it in his mind whenever asked.

          These reasons and the mere shock of it are what caused Sam hesitate a moment when a new friend request popped up on his Facebook while he was lying in bed. They had a few mutual friends who were just vague faces from the cafeteria. Remi something-or-other, he couldn’t remember her last name but those were irrelevant to Sam, seemed to appear out of nowhere. The instant panic and shock set into Sam because all the logical questions like “who is she” and “why did she add me” were popping around in his head. Almost subconsciously he hit the Confirm button regardless without any real reason why, he wasn’t even aware his hand was moving at first.

          He blinked a few times at his screen looking at her picture before dismissing the pop-up. Sam quickly closed his laptop and sat up rubbing his eyes. Groaning, he shoved the PC off his lap and shuffled out of his bed. It may have been Saturday, but lying around all day probably isn’t best whether or not it’s already noon. Plans may not have been made yet, but flipping through his phone and drawers Sam could find something to do and to wear. Whichever came first. Small Haven may have been uninteresting, but there were enough surrounding areas that gave them something to do. If nothing else, Sam could wander off into the neighboring forest like when he was younger. He might have been afraid to leave town in the future, but small ventures like this were within his comfort zone.

          For a while nothing came out of the computer click and no one around him made any mention of the new clandestine friendship. After a few days Sam had almost forgotten Remi completely, that is until he noticed some recent status updates. He didn’t check it as often as other teenagers did, so it took him quite a bit of time to notice that she had become single.  It had originally made no difference to Sam because she was miles away and they hadn’t messaged each other yet. That is until a few weeks later on a particularly boring night for Sam and apparently Remi as well.

          “Hey.” Sam typed into the messenger.

          “Hey.” She responded a few minutes later.

          “Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you. We’ve just been friends for a bit and haven’t ever chatted.”

          “So how are we friends then?” he could almost hear her snap back.

          “I guess we aren’t friends then.”

          “I…guess not” Sam sighed a bit, great start on this one.

          He sat in silence for a bit watching the unresponsive Remi’s chat window. After a few minutes passed he closed his laptop, setting it on the nightstand next to him. He sighed, rubbing one eye with his palm, turning his head to check the time. 11:54PM. School was in about 8 hours, which gave him about 5 hours of actual sleep before beginning a new day. This all amounted to typical night for Sam: late nights, little sleep, and a depression growing just a little bit more with another one of life’s disappointments.

Moments

     Everybody dreams of making that one moment in their life special and for everybody it's the same exact moment. Very few things in life are truly once in a lifetime, marriages come and go, most people have more than one kid, but everybody only has one first time. Some wait for what seems like a life time and others have little self-control. You spend what seems like an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out what the perfect special moment should be like, or at least I did.
      What people don't tell you is that more often than not that first time is a let-down. You can build it up in your head all along, but as with most things in life if you don't have any first-hand, no pun intended, experience then it's just a lot of awkward fumbling around. I was lucky enough to experience my first time with someone I knew and liked, but having only chick flicks and adult movies for guides I was ill prepared. The 'talk' only gets you so far, you know?
      Erin, my partner for lack of a better word, seemed like a safe choice. Wording it like that makes it seem like I had a line to choose from, I didn't and the fact that Erin wanted to was a miracle itself. Her bob-cut red hair and lower-lip piercing was enough to at least let my fantasies make it dangerous and exciting, but really we were just average 16 year old kids not the drugged-up sex symbols of movies. I really thought Erin was beautiful, even had delusions of marriage but I have been prone to wild fantasies. In any case, we have been friends since about 3rd grade and I had been stuck in the friend-zone since then.
     I watched from the sidelines as she and other friends who happened to be girls of mine dated guys  and had their fun. Erin and I had actually dated for a brief time when we were little, but it hardly counted for anything. I suppose that didn't help any fantasies I had about her. She was my first everything: girlfriend, kiss, break-up, everything. We were young enough though that the break-up meant nothing and I guess I'm thankful for that, but sometimes it's better to just be set free. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to lose her but it doesn't help still being attached either. All things considered she's like an infected limb, you want to keep everything attached, but somethings are better gone.
     Years passed in the friend-zone and things were influx with Erin. I still loved her and she still sort of acknowledged my presence. We hung out less and less, eventually we divulged into flaking on plans with each other as she either went off with the new flavor of the week or I just wanted to avoid heartache for once. She had a revolving door of guys it seemed and I had maybe one or two other interests that flamed out pretty quick. I've been told I'm too picky or have too high of standards, but that's all beside the point.
     After we both settled at what seemed a comfortable distance away from each other it seemed OK. I gave up on texting and my phone remained silent. I didn't like texting anyways, but it had been the only way to communicate with Erin and when she was gone so was texting. And that's the way it stayed for awhile, we were content or at least I was.
     "I miss you Finn" she texted.
     "Uhh...hello to you too." I texted back, I was even awkward in my texts.
     "Can I call you?"
     "Sure, I guess."
     When the phone rang, my heart still jumped even though I knew it was coming. I was nervous, I hadn't seen her or heard her voice in months. The ringtone played What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong which was an inside joke of ours. It was picked because we thought we were being clever and deep because the world isn't all that wonderful. It was our naive attempt at irony. I hesitated and let it ring, can't seem too desperate now I said inside my head.
      "Hey" with both exchange, the awkwardness was palpable.
      "I um...I know you're a..." she stumbled over the words.
      "Yeah, you're point?" I didn't want to hear the word myself, but I knew what she meant. It was her and the school's main teasing point against me.
      "Can I come over?" I could almost hear her smirk.
      I nodded and after a second of silence realized I was an idiot and responded, "Yeah I guess so." and hung up.
      I should have timed how long it took her to come over, but it felt like she was teasing me. I half expected there to just be a group of people waiting to point and laugh when I opened that door. Now that she was coming over I began to feel intimidated by her. Erin had done this before, I had only thought about it and now the hour was upon us all. The next few moments after her arrival all blur together as it seems like we took a marathon sprint back to my room.
     When we undressed there was an tense moment of silence between us, as if neither of us expected this to be real. She held a coy smirk, but when I finally met her eyes something was off. We knew what we were about to do, but I think the past history between us sort of shattered a veil of innocence between us. In that brief moment we both considered redressing and leaving this reality, but things had gone too far already as before we knew it we were on the bed. As I said the chick flicks and porn left me unprepared and I knew not what I did. My head felt light the entire time and I think the only time I felt fully clear was when she reached back to straighten me out for it. The quick skin-to-skin contact, her against me, snapped me back if only for that moment. I was fully aware of what was happening and there was no turning back. After that it was minutes of grinding, panting, and clumsy hands.
     It was over in what seemed like a standard amount of time, I had no previous data to reconcile this against so finding a standard deviation was a bit hard, again no pun intended. There wasn't a whole lot of talking afterwards, just redressing and avoiding eye contact. I tried to go in for a kiss as I walked her out the door, but I pulled back. It was already weird enough and I didn't want to make it worse.Everything seemed OK after that, Erin and I talked more but never anything more serious. I can't tell if things have been awkward as a result or not, but we both act like nothing has changed. Erin might be embarrassed of how it went down or just not like me anymore, I don't know. It felt nice just to be able to knock that first one out of the way, but I always kind of wish it could have been more planned. It was rushed, uncoordinated, and awkward like most of my life so far.