Love Lost

Sometimes it's hard to feel loved

Especially if you've never loved yourself.

It's hard to pour out emotions to anyone

When you've been conditioned to hold it all in.

Creating a build up of pressure with no release

Just waiting to burst at the slightest inclination taking everyone with it.

It's hard to hate yourself and love another

Their perfections glorify your flaws.

They shed light on the cracks you cover

Until you hold them on high in one hand and dig yourself a grave with the other.

Like somehow they are unflawed and by comparison you are unworthy, unlovable, un....wanted.

You love them and they very well may love you back

But without self-love it's just an explosion waiting to happen.

Maturity

I like to boast in my maturity and claim to be an adult, but most of the time that charade feels like it's going to fall apart. I enjoy being a kind and doing childish things and all of the joy it seems to bring. At least it brings joys to someone else because inside I just hate myself. In my heart of hearts I'm a child yearning from love, I need physical validation not some being up above. I act confident in myself, but it's really just another masked picked up off the shelf. My head is a sea of screaming, voices calling out "Look at me!" and "Somebody love me", and I can't escape the feeling. I pour myself out for everyone, yet in the end I'm left alone. Maturity set aside, I'm just a child crying inside. 

The Tithe of War Part III: Wrath

    I awoke in a fog of dank smells and shuffling feet. My senses quickly gathered themselves and I lashed outward at the cage in front of me. A loud yell and powerful punch aimed at the bars ended in nothing, but a possibly broken hand and cathartic release. That damned woman, I should've known she was up to something. She was always a schemer and a hell of a tactician. I had to hand it to Artymexia, she had this well planned out and it worked. Damn my arrogance! I sat down in my cell, resigning myself to quiet thoughts and pondering my own escape. The dragonkin would expect something clever from an elf, so I can scratch off trying to snatch it from a guard as he walks by. I could rush them as they bring in food, they'll have to keep me alive, but I expect they'd bring multiple guards and use their flames to keep me at bay.
    "Oh how the mighty have fallen." a voice jeered as it shuffled towards my cell.
    "Tch - couldn't think of anything better than that?" I almost laughed, but managed to contain it.
    "Smart talk coming from a guy in prison." I was finally greeted by the large scowling face of their General Commander Orsu.
     He entered the cell rather abruptly, almost tearing the door off, and his tail swished back and forth as he sauntered in. Orsu clearly thought pretty highly of himself for capturing me and his promotion for said action, but if he's anything like I remember he's dumb and will slip up eventually. Soon rather than later hopefully, I didn't have time to waste on these cretins. I stood up coming barely up to Orsu's nostrils, which pumped out hot breaths onto my face. Quickly scanning him over, he lacked a lot of the scars and missing scales that an average dragonkin would have, meaning a cushy life handed to him by what would most likely be merchant parents who bought his rank. Orsu clearly lacked any competent battle skills, but still his impressive size relative to mine and the lack of weapons on my end made things doubly difficult.
     "You know, I don't exactly know why we're keeping you alive Elfin." he sneered, leaning his body over mine, trying to assert dominance.
     I smirked staring back at him, "And I don't know how a soft belly like you made it to Commander."
     That one struck a nerve, dragonkin are known for having remarkably resilient bodies being able to resist a lot of punishment, so calling one a soft belly was challenging their status as a soldier. It's almost the equivalent of calling someone stupid, but the dragonkin's impressive strength left little room for intelligence, so insulting their intelligence is futile.
     Orsu cocked his fist back as far as it could go, "You're going to pay for that one."
     Despite his size, Orsu is deceptively quick, but not quick enough. It took a simple feign right dodge and he tumbled off balance.
     "Oh am I now?" I smiled, kicking his back hard, sending him to the ground before taking off out of the cell and down the hall way.
     I wanted to begin laughing, but before I could I managed to run into a dragonkin's arm and subsequently get clothes-lined. The laughter was substituted with coughing and gagging before a being knocked out and dragged away. I blinked my eyes open again and my head was ringing. The blood crusted on my face made my skin feel uncomfortable and the upside down orientation was off-putting. They were smart enough this time to cuff my hands and feet, adding the extra precaution to dangle me upside down.
     "Thought you could scamper off could you?" Orsu growled, obviously upset.
     "Well," I coughed, throat feeling rough from being passed out, "your kind isn't exactly known for speed."
     "Yeah well your kind is known for being rich and I think I can get a good price for you."
     "What the hell do the dragonkins want with Elven gold?" It seemed odd to ransom me, our currency had no exchange rate as we never traded with them, which also meant I wouldn't be ransomed but I couldn't let them know.
     "We may not use it, but the humans do." Orsu grinned pulling me by my hair and bringing my face up to his, "And they'll hand over plenty of their fancy weapons and explosives for it." He laughed before slamming me down again, racking my head hard against the wall. In the second I had before being knocked out, I tried hard to remember what he said. Trading weapons was illegal no matter your species. What were they up to now?

Gas Station Breakfast: Chapter 1

The car pulled into the gas station with a small whine. The brakes could probably use replacing soon, but there wasn’t much time for repairs at least not today. Once to a full stop, two boys about 18 stepped out both stretching hard. Bones and joints cracked and popped as they yawned looking over at each other. The air was stale and dry, but it was better than sitting in that car for any longer.

          “Hey, I’m gonna go inside and grab some food.” One of the boys called to the other.

          The remaining boy simply nodded and walked to the back of the car and got ready to begin filling up the gas. He ran a hand through his sand-blonde hair as he leaned back against the gas station pump. The bags around his eyes were getting pretty bad, but they only had a few more hours to go. He leaned down to get a look at himself in the mirror and tried to polish himself up as best he could. Fidgeting with his hair and shirt nothing seemed to settle right for him.

          “Is this too casual? Maybe I should button a few up.” He muttered to himself as he did up a few buttons before the meter clicked off.

          He stood back up and topped off the gas to make the amount even. He sighed as he put the nozzle back in and turned around to go inside and pay. As he began heading in the other boy came out waving to him. After a few minutes he came back out, cramming a receipt into his pocket and holding a 1 liter Coke bottle in the other.

          “Still can’t decide on your outfit Sam?” He laughed as he leaned against the car, crossing his arms on the hood.

          “You know what Glenn you can shut up.” He began patting himself down for the keys.

          Glenn just smiled and pulled his sweatshirt up over his shoulders before opening the car door. It whined as he pulled on it and much like everything else with the car it seemed like it was about to fall off. They both slid in and strapped themselves in, hoping to finish off the last leg of this adventure in one shot.

5 months ago

          Sam lay in his bed yawning with a laptop resting on his chest. It wasn’t an exciting life he lived, but it was comfortable and easy. Before everything changed that is, but for now he was a simple 4.0 GPA, all around nerd that really didn’t ever venture out of Small Haven, the cheesiest town ever. With its Ma & Pa stores and population of around 12 it was hard to believe that anyone would be content living here.

          Small Haven was the type of town you find in a Hallmark movie. Everything is perfectly serene and in place. Nothing ever goes wrong and everyone knows everyone. The perfect type of town that is perfect for someone who just wants a safe and comfortable life with no hardships, but no excitement as well. Sam was stuck here and was completely fine with the status quo. The high school was small as well and offered little for a non-rebel like Sam. Glenn was only friends with him because they were neighbors and it seemed tradition in Small Haven that any neighbors with children were forced to co-mingle. Again this was more than a fine arrangement for Sam and Glenn seemed content as well, they even planned to go to the same college together, but Glenn had plans larger than their hometown. He had plans to move out West somewhere, he didn’t care wear, and start his writing career. Sam, on the other hand, knew he would go into IT somewhere but when asked where he drew a blank. He always thought he’d grab a map and a dart then let fate decide, but he was always scared of where it’d land.

          A small town that left little room for friends also left little room for girlfriends. Sam wasn’t socially awkward or terrible with women; he was simply disinterested and possibly afraid. The high school didn’t offer much variety either, which only helped to stunt his growth in this area. There wasn’t much point in dating for the sake of dating and by the time your graduating it seemed pointless to date because then what if you don’t go to the same college? What if we just break up? Why date for only a few months then? Or at least these are the ways the Sam always justified it in his mind whenever asked.

          These reasons and the mere shock of it are what caused Sam hesitate a moment when a new friend request popped up on his Facebook while he was lying in bed. They had a few mutual friends who were just vague faces from the cafeteria. Remi something-or-other, he couldn’t remember her last name but those were irrelevant to Sam, seemed to appear out of nowhere. The instant panic and shock set into Sam because all the logical questions like “who is she” and “why did she add me” were popping around in his head. Almost subconsciously he hit the Confirm button regardless without any real reason why, he wasn’t even aware his hand was moving at first.

          He blinked a few times at his screen looking at her picture before dismissing the pop-up. Sam quickly closed his laptop and sat up rubbing his eyes. Groaning, he shoved the PC off his lap and shuffled out of his bed. It may have been Saturday, but lying around all day probably isn’t best whether or not it’s already noon. Plans may not have been made yet, but flipping through his phone and drawers Sam could find something to do and to wear. Whichever came first. Small Haven may have been uninteresting, but there were enough surrounding areas that gave them something to do. If nothing else, Sam could wander off into the neighboring forest like when he was younger. He might have been afraid to leave town in the future, but small ventures like this were within his comfort zone.

          For a while nothing came out of the computer click and no one around him made any mention of the new clandestine friendship. After a few days Sam had almost forgotten Remi completely, that is until he noticed some recent status updates. He didn’t check it as often as other teenagers did, so it took him quite a bit of time to notice that she had become single.  It had originally made no difference to Sam because she was miles away and they hadn’t messaged each other yet. That is until a few weeks later on a particularly boring night for Sam and apparently Remi as well.

          “Hey.” Sam typed into the messenger.

          “Hey.” She responded a few minutes later.

          “Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you. We’ve just been friends for a bit and haven’t ever chatted.”

          “So how are we friends then?” he could almost hear her snap back.

          “I guess we aren’t friends then.”

          “I…guess not” Sam sighed a bit, great start on this one.

          He sat in silence for a bit watching the unresponsive Remi’s chat window. After a few minutes passed he closed his laptop, setting it on the nightstand next to him. He sighed, rubbing one eye with his palm, turning his head to check the time. 11:54PM. School was in about 8 hours, which gave him about 5 hours of actual sleep before beginning a new day. This all amounted to typical night for Sam: late nights, little sleep, and a depression growing just a little bit more with another one of life’s disappointments.

Moments

     Everybody dreams of making that one moment in their life special and for everybody it's the same exact moment. Very few things in life are truly once in a lifetime, marriages come and go, most people have more than one kid, but everybody only has one first time. Some wait for what seems like a life time and others have little self-control. You spend what seems like an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out what the perfect special moment should be like, or at least I did.
      What people don't tell you is that more often than not that first time is a let-down. You can build it up in your head all along, but as with most things in life if you don't have any first-hand, no pun intended, experience then it's just a lot of awkward fumbling around. I was lucky enough to experience my first time with someone I knew and liked, but having only chick flicks and adult movies for guides I was ill prepared. The 'talk' only gets you so far, you know?
      Erin, my partner for lack of a better word, seemed like a safe choice. Wording it like that makes it seem like I had a line to choose from, I didn't and the fact that Erin wanted to was a miracle itself. Her bob-cut red hair and lower-lip piercing was enough to at least let my fantasies make it dangerous and exciting, but really we were just average 16 year old kids not the drugged-up sex symbols of movies. I really thought Erin was beautiful, even had delusions of marriage but I have been prone to wild fantasies. In any case, we have been friends since about 3rd grade and I had been stuck in the friend-zone since then.
     I watched from the sidelines as she and other friends who happened to be girls of mine dated guys  and had their fun. Erin and I had actually dated for a brief time when we were little, but it hardly counted for anything. I suppose that didn't help any fantasies I had about her. She was my first everything: girlfriend, kiss, break-up, everything. We were young enough though that the break-up meant nothing and I guess I'm thankful for that, but sometimes it's better to just be set free. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to lose her but it doesn't help still being attached either. All things considered she's like an infected limb, you want to keep everything attached, but somethings are better gone.
     Years passed in the friend-zone and things were influx with Erin. I still loved her and she still sort of acknowledged my presence. We hung out less and less, eventually we divulged into flaking on plans with each other as she either went off with the new flavor of the week or I just wanted to avoid heartache for once. She had a revolving door of guys it seemed and I had maybe one or two other interests that flamed out pretty quick. I've been told I'm too picky or have too high of standards, but that's all beside the point.
     After we both settled at what seemed a comfortable distance away from each other it seemed OK. I gave up on texting and my phone remained silent. I didn't like texting anyways, but it had been the only way to communicate with Erin and when she was gone so was texting. And that's the way it stayed for awhile, we were content or at least I was.
     "I miss you Finn" she texted.
     "Uhh...hello to you too." I texted back, I was even awkward in my texts.
     "Can I call you?"
     "Sure, I guess."
     When the phone rang, my heart still jumped even though I knew it was coming. I was nervous, I hadn't seen her or heard her voice in months. The ringtone played What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong which was an inside joke of ours. It was picked because we thought we were being clever and deep because the world isn't all that wonderful. It was our naive attempt at irony. I hesitated and let it ring, can't seem too desperate now I said inside my head.
      "Hey" with both exchange, the awkwardness was palpable.
      "I um...I know you're a..." she stumbled over the words.
      "Yeah, you're point?" I didn't want to hear the word myself, but I knew what she meant. It was her and the school's main teasing point against me.
      "Can I come over?" I could almost hear her smirk.
      I nodded and after a second of silence realized I was an idiot and responded, "Yeah I guess so." and hung up.
      I should have timed how long it took her to come over, but it felt like she was teasing me. I half expected there to just be a group of people waiting to point and laugh when I opened that door. Now that she was coming over I began to feel intimidated by her. Erin had done this before, I had only thought about it and now the hour was upon us all. The next few moments after her arrival all blur together as it seems like we took a marathon sprint back to my room.
     When we undressed there was an tense moment of silence between us, as if neither of us expected this to be real. She held a coy smirk, but when I finally met her eyes something was off. We knew what we were about to do, but I think the past history between us sort of shattered a veil of innocence between us. In that brief moment we both considered redressing and leaving this reality, but things had gone too far already as before we knew it we were on the bed. As I said the chick flicks and porn left me unprepared and I knew not what I did. My head felt light the entire time and I think the only time I felt fully clear was when she reached back to straighten me out for it. The quick skin-to-skin contact, her against me, snapped me back if only for that moment. I was fully aware of what was happening and there was no turning back. After that it was minutes of grinding, panting, and clumsy hands.
     It was over in what seemed like a standard amount of time, I had no previous data to reconcile this against so finding a standard deviation was a bit hard, again no pun intended. There wasn't a whole lot of talking afterwards, just redressing and avoiding eye contact. I tried to go in for a kiss as I walked her out the door, but I pulled back. It was already weird enough and I didn't want to make it worse.Everything seemed OK after that, Erin and I talked more but never anything more serious. I can't tell if things have been awkward as a result or not, but we both act like nothing has changed. Erin might be embarrassed of how it went down or just not like me anymore, I don't know. It felt nice just to be able to knock that first one out of the way, but I always kind of wish it could have been more planned. It was rushed, uncoordinated, and awkward like most of my life so far.

Confessions

     I don't really know where else to put this, so I figured I'd put it here. I just need a space to vent right now and I feel like Facebook is too public. Also, Youtube would take too much time to do so here it is. I know again I promised I wouldn't use my blog for personal things, but it's been 2 months since I posted a story. I know there aren't many followers or people who care anyways so it never was a big deal. Anyways, I'll get to the my main point here and try to keep the rambling to a minimum.
     There reason I haven't posted, or even written anything of substance, lately is because I think I've slipped into a pretty good depression. I wake up most days just fucking hating myself and feeling like a massive waste of space. I hate the way I look, sound, talk, basically every single aspect of myself I hate. Absolutely fucking hate and it's becoming worse. The worst part? No one knows this until know because I've become so good at hiding things from other people. I've probably hated myself on and off since I was 15 maybe before that. But, I just hide behind a smile and laugh to reassure everything is fine. I've gotten so good at this hiding that I really doubt any of my friends, even close ones like Marcus or Taylor, have any idea the extent of my self-hate. And I don't want help because that means somethings wrong and for whatever reason I can't accept that fact. I know I've admitted I'm a broken and terrible person plenty of times, but I keep convincing myself that I can fix it on my own and when I don't I slip back into this depression. I honestly thought I was OK for awhile, but this semester it's made a return. That's probably because I've had considerably less social interaction and I feed off of that. I try and try to get people to do things with me, but even small things like lunch or hanging out are fucking impossible. So, I sit in my room play video games and contemplate what a piece of shit I am. I don't know if it counts as being suicidal, but constantly I'm thinking about killing myself mainly on the curiosity of what would happen. Would anyone notice? How long would I be missed? That stuff goes through my head constantly.
      Maybe I have put too much stock into what people think of me though, constantly seeking validation from others. The thing is nothing makes me happier to know my friends are doing well and are taken care of. To know that I somehow even in the slightest possible fashion is all I want out of life. I couldn't care less about money, fame, recognition, any of that. So long as I know somebody is laughing because of me is really all that matters....and I haven't gotten that lately. I'm sure you are all thinking "well then go be around people." I WISH IT WERE THAT FUCKING EASY. You have no idea how much I wish I was bold enough to just go places and hang out with people, but I've been hurt and I've seen friends pull away, or at least that's what it feels like this semester. I'm scared this cycle is going to happen again, I'll find a nice group of friends and it will be cool for a few months. After that they all hang out and don't invite me anymore. I'm fucking terrified of abandonment, it probably exceeds my fear of spiders. And that's what I feel this semester, abandoned. I know I'm super busy, but nobody ever texts me or anything trying to hang out. If you want to I'll make fucking time. I just feel useless, unloved, abandoned, and worthless.
     I know through writing this only a handful of people are going to read it and even fewer are going to care. I also know that those that do will get the standard "it's fine I just needed to vent for a minute" response from me as I close myself off. To those few of you (and you know who you are) that I've opened up to know just how hard that was for me. Also everyone reading this, know how hard it was for me to write this. I'm in tears because this is a huge burden that I'm finally putting out there. I know it won't go away, I'll wake up tomorrow morning thinking about the same things. How much I suck as a person and how little I would be missed. I don't even know how to end this post......I know I should be seeking help or something....I don't know what I fucking need anymore. I just need some respite from everything. As childish or girlish as it sounds I just need someone to hold me and promise me it's OK. That's what I want and it's the most cliched thing ever, but it's what I need. Solace....
   

Kintsukuroi

     Ally was a typical, average, American girl or at least she appeared so on the surface. At only 17 she had some academic achievements and a handful of friends, one could say she was pretty well off for her age. For all intents and purposes she was doing quite well entering into her senior year. She already had a school or two in mind for college so she could continue her softball career. However, that's a year away and her junior year just ended so Ally has plenty of time to think about all of that.
      For the time being she was perfectly content to text friends for long hours and spend time at parties and social events. She'd get gussied up and head out, not to return for a couple hours, usually long past midnight. This was all to her parents discontent, but she made up for it by keeping her grades good and earning a few scholarships for herself already. A place here and a place there have already offered some sports based ones and others academic ones. Frankly for a 17-year-old girl, Ally Winsor had life pretty much figured out for now at least.
      "Heyyyyy gurl :)" read the obnoxiously written text of a teenage girl, Emilee.
      "Hay wuts up" she responded, the bright light of the screen burning her retinas in the dark.
      The conversation went back and forth with the general chatter that consumes kids these days. There was gossip, relationships, and whatever else makes high school interesting. The conversation skipped around from topic to topic with very little coherence. After 30 or so texts back and forth the conversation reached the point that it was started for. Emilee had heard from Beth who had heard from Ryan that there was a party happening at Anthony's house while his parents were out of town. Ally may have been a straight-A student, but that didn't mean she was above teenage vices. In a short time Ally was dressed and meeting Emilee outside her fence in the backyard.
     The girls giggled as they held hands and took off into the night. In 20 minutes they had finally arrived and they smiled as they readjusted each others outfits from the walk. Once everything was settled Emilee and Ally split up in search of their boy for the night. It was easily to get lost inside the small house with everybody crammed inside. Ally lost sight of Emilee soon after the split and for the first time she felt nervous, even if only slightly. Neither of them really knew Anthony all that well and this party seemed more crowded than usual, and with older people too. She stood towards the back of what she assumed was the dining room and fidgeted with her skirt. For whatever reason that nervous feeling kept nagging at the back of her mind and she grew uncomfortable. Ally began to scan around hoping to catch Emilee before it got too late.
     "Hey, you feeling all right?" An unfamiliar man stood in front of Ally.
     She looked up, a bit confused at first, but that soon faded when she examined his face. His slightly tanned skin and coy grin looked a bit off in the low light of the house, but it gave enough light so that Ally locked into his eyes. They were a color that seemed just to dark to be green, but held a familiar look that made it feel like she'd known him all along.
     "You awake in there?" he gave a light laugh that snapped Ally back.
     "Oh," she laughed in an unconscious response and looked away from him as she tried to hide her embarrassment, "Sorry bit distracted I guess."
     "That's fine," he kept smiling, but his tone shifted lower as if the conversation was supposed to be secret, "I'm Paul by the way."
     "Ally." She replied meekly, looking back up at him again. Paul was the classic definition of handsome: tall, dark colored eyes, straight smile, high cheekbones. In any other instance she would have been in awe that a man such as him was talking to her. She was beautiful herself, but not enough to attract a man who was at least 3 years her senior if not more.
     "So, how old are you Ally? 20? 21?" he asked as he offered her a drink.
     She blushed at the compliment, always thinking herself as mature, and replied, "I'm actually only 17." She took the cup taking a sip.
     "Almost there." He commented softly, low enough that Ally didn't hear, and any question was quickly silenced by the follow-up, "So young, you're parents must be worried." He gave another soft laugh.
     "What they don't know won't hurt them." She replied flashing a coy smile of her own taking another drink.
     "That's the kind of attitude I like." He smiled.
     They talked for a bit, but as the night progressed things began feeling more and more of. Ally started feeling more uncomfortable as Paul's face began looking distorted and blurry. Her head felt like it was in a fog and Paul's actions became increasingly aggressive. As she took steps towards the door he grabbed her hand and began leading her. She was too weak to fight back and too confused and foggy to call for help. To any bystander it looked like a helpful young man leading a drunk girl home.
     The last thing Ally can fully remember was the sounds of doors shutting. Some were from houses and others with from cars. The gaps in between are all a blur of nonsensical noises and colors. She woke up back in her own house somehow trying to piece together what had happened. She was still dressed in her clothes from last night, she patted her pockets and found she had all of her belongings. Nothing seemed out of order, but she felt off. Something was different, but she couldn't figure out what as she held her head in her hands trying to piece it all together. Ally got up in a rush and ran to the bathroom feeling sick. She was disgusted with herself for whatever happened. She put a hand on her counter trying to balance herself and felt something crumple underneath. Her hand shook as she raised it to see what was underneath. In the second it took her mind flashed through every possibility of what it could be, each one avoiding the reality of what it was. She felt sick again falling to her knees as the realization sunk in that she had lost what she could only lose once. Her fantasies of how it would be were gone, there was no longer a chance of a romantic sweeping her off her feet. It would forever be tainted by a smarmy guy she'd never see again.
     For a girl whose worst event in life was the time she broke a nail before prom, her entire life seemed over. She could easily hide it all and no one would know any different, Emilee had left before she did according to texts and no one else there seemed to really know her. She could hide her shame from everyone, but she had to live with it regardless. Whether or not people knew, she was broken, damaged goods. She sat there on the white tiled floor crying as her body slowly contorted into the fetal position. She softly cried trying to hold it back, anything louder might alert her parents and she'd have to explain what was going on. Ally could have stayed in that position for the rest of her life and desperately wanted to.