I Am Not Okay

Once strong foundations quickly decay
What little good is left, wasting away
The rope holding it together begins to fray
I am not okay

Tensions grow just out of sight
Anxiety's grasp growing tight
With little energy, there is no will to fight
I am not all right

Everything is starting to decline
Fear and depression slowly intertwine
To the end I've been resigned
I am not fine

Echoes of doubt begin to increase
Searching for some sort of release
Endless nightmares feel like a disease
It all builds up, drowning in its seas

I am not okay

Énouement: Chapter 6

     After what seemed to be an indefinite amount of waiting around, I finally stood up and dusted off the back of my pants. Standing there on the park bench I wrestled with the idea of continuing this journey or ending it all and forcing Sam to take us back. I stuck one leg out letting it dangle in the air before shifting the weight forward and dropping down, beginning my trot back to the car, hands thrust into my pockets trying to act non-chalant.

     It took until my feet hit gravel for Sam to perk back up into reality, "Eh? Where are you going?" He stumbled off the bench to catch up with me.

     "Off to reconnect you with your Juliet." I replied without looking back at him.

     "So you are going to help? You think I should reconnect with her?" He seemed overly excited to have my tacit approval.

     I spun around on a heel to face him, "Look, this isn't exactly copacetic. How it got to be this point I have no idea, but you might as well see this through." Turning back around, I got into the car unable to hear his 'ALL RIGHT' before jogging to the other side of the car.

     There wasn't much else to be said at that moment, I was exhausted trying to process all the new information so I just kept staring out the window. It was even hard to look at Sam, but he was oblivious to it with his same doofy smile. I think having my tacit approval makes it seem all right to him and right now, I lack the energy to speak out.

 ***

Beginning of High School Freshman year (4 years ago)

    A blaring alarm clock was quickly silenced by a firm, albeit it off mark, slam of the hand. Four minutes of willing my body to move and I was awake for the first day of American high school. It was hard to decided if I should sport my tank top made of Aussie flag or just respond to everyone with the expected "g'day" to alert them that I am in fact an Aussie. Decisions, decisions. I hadn't been in the States for long enough to try and fake an accent, the best I could do was some sort of cockney Matthew McConaughey 'all right'. 

     I decided to go with a toned down outfit and try to blend in as much as possible, fly below the radar as much as possible. Shuffling downstairs as my mother called after me, I tried to mentally prepare myself for how many times I'd be asked if I personally knew Steve Irwin or if my dad was Crocodile Dundee. I rubbed my eyes as a pancake was presented to me along with milk. Breakfast was finished relatively quickly and the begrudging walk outside to the bus stop began.

     5 minutes outside and the journey of American education began at last and unfortunately on this bus there was only one set left open. The glory of being the last stop, thankfully everyone was kind enough to save me a spot next to the biggest dork. I know American and Aussie culture is different, but a dork is a dork and something about the Dragonball Z t-shirt and almost bowl cut hair just gives off that vibe, I wasn't exactly the cool, surfer guy stereotype, but I had a certain image to maintain. Or so I thought.

     "HI, I'm Sam." I could almost hear the chubby in his cheeks,

     "Glenn." I begrudgingly responded, holding back the accent as best I could.

     He held that doofy smile, the one I would eventually grow to admire. It seemed like Sam could somewhat sense I didn't like him and was determined to change that.

     We didn't talk much for the rest of the ride to school. It was only 10 minutes so it wasn't the worst experience in my life, that was actually yet to come. So, we parted ways and headed to our respective lockers were I assumed we would never meet again until the bus ride home. I had discovered he would be in a different homeroom and that our schedules were just enough off that there would be virtually no overlap between classes. A few periods into the first day and I had made a few friends thanks to my status as the new foreign kid, it was hard to imagine being Australian as all that exotic but kids that grew up in suburbs are incredibly easy to impress apparently. Maybe life in America wouldn't be so hard after all.
      And for the first few days it wasn't that hard at all. I was still primarily restrained to sitting next to Same on the bus, none of the friends I had made rode the bus, and I slowly began to tolerate him. He didn't seem like the best mates for life kind of kid, but he definitely seemed like the kind of kid you pressure into buying you booze with a fake ID just to see if he'd do it. Looking back, I do feel a bit bad for some of the messing with him I did when first there, but it's the pressure of being a new kid. It was never incredibly mean spirited, but it was what many would classify as douche-y.
     

***

     It sometimes seemed like Sam never really broke out of that nerdy shell of his. Glancing over at him driving the car, he still held that same smile. It was a bit toothy, like a Cheshire cat type of grin that never fully formed. Just so simple and innocent, much like Sam was. I shifted back to watching the road, trying to get my mind off the recent bombshells and get a more solid handle on the situation. He was an idiot, but it was really hard to imagine he was this stupid. My teeth clenched down harder and harder the more I tried to process through it. 

      Acting cool in front of him was easy, but acting cool to myself wasn't so much. Exploding in front of him wasn't exactly the best solution, he wasn't likely to comprehend the full extent of what was happening anyways. I sighed heavily, giving up on trying to keep everything pent up, I pulled out my phone.

      Hey, what's up? I sent a quick text to Eliza.

       ......I guess it was a bit optimistic to expect an immediate reply.

     What she was a bit terse, again it was optimistic to think otherwise given what had happened.

     So something going on?

  Nope

  I mean between you and Sam

  Nope

  Want to talk about it?

  Nope

  Well this is stirring conversation

  Nope

  It was at this time I figured there wasn't much to be gained from going down that road. Another cigarette was placed between clenched teeth. The rush of the wind pushed some of the initial smoke back into my eyes stinging them a bit. Honestly though, getting air circulating was more than refreshing, arm hung out the window, seat leaned back. It was the closest I could get to relaxed. For a while, I didn't even have the energy to inhale and instead it hung listlessly against my bottom lip as I stared at the roof of the car.

     "You all right? It's been a weirdly quiet morning for you." It was a bit of a surprise it took him over an hour to say anything.

     "Guess I'm still trying to process things mate."

    "Process what?"

    "For fu-...what do you think?!" I snapped up, bewildered, ashing into my lap.

    "Oh right, right, right. Breakfast?" I couldn't tell if he was changing the subject or trying to make me mad.

    "Breakfast? ....Christ," I sighed running a hand through my hair, "Yeah, fuck, might as well. But no Denny's!"

Clinomania

Tired eyes beget a tired mind,

struggling against unseen forces that trap and bind.

Fighting for a chance at rest,

to overcome an exhaustive test.

Muscles weak and breathing short,

all in search of a bit of comfort.

A battle that can never truly be won

because with the dawn of each day it anew has begun.

So we cling tightly to few fleeting moments

 of resting our bones from these worldly torments.

Rest

I can't rest
Mind racing, fleeing
Escaping nightmares I can't best
Quiet screams and tiny scratches
Echo inside endlessly
Ready to start a blaze, if only I had matches
Vibrations and reverberations
Multiplying and shaking the foundations
Cracks appear and chips fall away
Once secure knots begin to fray
It all seems to slip and fall
Ever further from my grasp
Needing help, if only I could ask
I can't rest

Énouement: Chapter 5

     Sitting there on the park table, there was a moment where I almost thought about stopping Sam and just dropping the whole thing. A very, very, large part of me wanted to ignore what was happening, turn this trip around, and head back at home whilst pretending none of this ever occurred. There's a saying floating out there, 'never meet your heroes', apparently it's because deep down as humans we all inherently suck at being good people. So, if you were to meet your hero, up close and in person, you'd see their flaws and would lose that idealized version of them that you had in your head. Following that, it's probably even worse to have your best friend as your hero, but I've never been one to make good decisions.

     But in all honesty Sam is, or at least he was, my hero. Just a regular guy with a big dumb goofy smile that was hard to resist, the charm of a puppy. He was happy, but for all intents and purposes useless, but lovable. He always seemed genuine and was a terrible liar which in turn made him fairly trustworthy, but I guess we all hide something from others. In light of recent developments though, everything just seems tainted...it's one of those moments that makes you question your entire past with a person. The typical 'what else has he lied about' danced about inside my head.

     I took a long inhale, before sighing out a puffy stale cloud. I stared at the cloud and the cigarette underneath it, even my eyes felt tired. "Look Sam, before you start....on a scale of 1 to 10, give me like a ballpark of how bad this is going to be. I need to know so I can decide on whether or not I need to restock my durries."

    He gave a benign shrug, "I don't know...like a five maybe?"

    "Great, well I should have just enough then." The tone was dry and sarcastic as I settled back, finally as prepared as I would be to hear this.

   ****

     Sam sat at his desk idly flipping through his phone during a class. Professor droning on and on as professors are wont to do. It was at this time Sam had his first encounter with a certain individual, one Olivia Ellison. A slender brunette with a fierce expression and defined features who was a friend of a friend of a friend and so on down the chain. He only stumbled across her because of an email notification from an old dating website he had joined and subsequently quit after finding Eliza. Only through the force of sheer boredom did Sam find the tool of his destruction, but it is known that curiosity killed the cat.

     It started innocently at first, just texts and other things that friends do. They hadn't ever actually met in person, she lived wherever we were headed and he lived where we came from. She only found him because she was in town visiting the friend of a friend of a friend and the location setting on this dating app brought them together. A relationship born of coincidences and lies by omission it would seem as he apparently never told this woman about Eliza because she had never asked.

    Friendly texts soon gave way to flirting and flirting gave way to genuine romantic interest. Although it would seem it was mostly one-sided, but enough to cause distress. Sam had become suddenly torn between two women and that caused a strain on both relationship. Eliza had grown disheartened at Sam's sudden distance and Sam felt suffocated by what seemed like Eliza's neediness, which was most likely just an attempt to reconnect with him. The relationship with Olivia grew strong at the same time the relationship with Eliza seemed to die off. 

   It was unfortunate for sure, but Sam was foolishly following his heart which often leads us astray. Eventually the secret relationship with Olivia was discovered and that's what caused the break-up. While Sam was hurting, he thought it would allow him the chance to fully pursue Olivia his new one-true-love. But that also faded away soon. She was more of a party-er, which stressed Sam out and caused a lot of paranoia. He wasn't exactly a catch and she was sure to find better guys than him at parties, while they weren't technically dating this was enough to freak Sam out. Attempts to pull her out of that lifestyle were fruitless. This, along with the stress of a break-up and the death of his father, finally caused Sam to snap. 

   He took the death incredibly hard, which was understandable, but Sam's biggest flaw was his tendency to bottle things up. Even I had a hard time getting through to him, but this Olivia was someone he apparently had tried to open up to. This girl he supposedly loved and trusted couldn't be pulled away from the parties long enough to be there for him and he felt betrayed. It probably only worsened his fear of opening up. As a result of his hurting, he broke down and ended things with Olivia in an apparently less than nice manner.

****

   And that's the story, at least according to Sam. Losing a father and two serious relationships, it's a surprise Sam hadn't gone completely off the deep end. 

   "That's basically it, I mean Olivia and I still talked," he looked down at his lap, "Well at least we used to."

   "OK, you suck at judging things Sam. That was at least a 8," we both softly laugh as I shifted, crushing out the cigarette against the park table, "So what do you mean used to? Are you like done done now?"

   "I don't know...here's her last texts to me." He handed his phone up to me.

   I'm so sorry for everything.

 Don't worry, I'm fine.

    "Shit..." I handed the phone back.

    "Yeah." he said in a breath. "So that's kinda what prompted this trip...those two texts. I hadn't heard from her in days and suddenly I get that..." He trailed off, his eyes following a bug on the ground.

    "So, this is basically just one long 'Are you OK' trip? Seems like some phone calls could've covered it."

    "It's not just that man, like I said I need answers. I guess what I mean is I need to know if what we had was real, get it? Was I an idiot for breaking up with Eliza?"

    "Yes." I interjected.

    "Shut up. I just want to know if what me and Olivia had was even real or if it was something I had made up in my head because things seemed complacent with Eliza. I don't know man, I'm so fucking confused and lost. I honestly have wanted to turn the car around so many times."

    "You and me both." 

    "Again, shut up." There was a long pause as we both tried to figure out where to go from here.

    Hearing it all, it was still hard to forgive Sam, but it also was easier to understand what was happening. He was like a kid in a store without his mom, lost and confused. Looking down at him from where I was, I could see that in him too, he looked like he was searching for something. It's hard to fault a guy who's just trying to make sense of it all. Right now, Sam is the first guy arriving at a car crash: unsure if he should call 9-1-1, help the people out of the wreckage if he can, try and do both, all of this done while panicking and not knowing what the right decision is.

    "So hearing all this, you didn't actually technically cheat on Eliza did you?" I tried to continue, being as delicate as possible.

     "I mean it depends on your interpretation man."

     "Oh Christ," I groaned, "Well, what is your interpretation then?"

     He stayed silent for a moment again, "I mean like, we went on a date once when she came back to town, but nothing really happened. Nothing physical, just a hug at the door.......and maybe a kiss." He mumbled the latter half of that sentence,

     "A kiss?! The fuck, mate? I'm starting to forget who you are here Sam." I ran a hand through my hair, staring off in disbelief.

     "You and me both." He softly replied.

Énouement: Chapter 4

     There was a soft laugh as Eliza leaned her body into Sam's, both of them smiling. Out of the three of us, not a one had any plans on going home during Spring Break so we decided to make it a party of our own. The campus areas were still open, but the place was so dead even the officers were barely seen. Eliza and Sam made the decision to have 2PM picnic in the main campus area and tasked me with providing the alcohol because I was the only one of age to do so and what's a picnic without wine?

     We lost track of time being out there for so long and being drunk, well they were drunk and I was what barely qualifies for tipsy as an Aussie, for about half of that unknown time. It really was a beautiful scene though; the lovers safely snug together, the sun starting to set, the warmth of alcohol in our blood, it was one of those moments that you remember for a long time despite nothing particularly interesting happening. To some it probably would have just been a day, but to me I think it was the last time I saw Sam's big, doofy smile. The last time it was genuine at least.

      7:00 AM my phone read in a blinding light that is unholy for this time in the morning. Sam was showering, which is what woke me up. I opted to skip, as disgusting as that sounds, having little energy to actually bathe myself. I wasn't planning on picking up any dates and it was hard enough just to pull pants on, any further physical exertion was out of the question.

     "Oi, mate." I called, banging on the door, "When are we getting on the road then?"

      With no response, I sighed and exited our room. People say nature is great in it's majesty, but with my eyes having not yet adjusted fully the sun comes off as more of an asshole. I sat down on the trunk of Sam's car, idly going over texts in my phone. Sifting through hours and months of text messages either with Sam or Eliza, there had to be something there to give me a hint as to what the hell was going on. Did they break up? Did she cheat on him? What was happening here? My dream of being Batman might die here in this parking lot because I am a terrible detective, nothing of value was found in the texts,

      "Ready to go then?" Sam said as he approached the car, hand-drying his hair.

      "Physically yes," I responded with a long sigh, "Mentally no."

      "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

      I hopped off the trunk trying my best to remain calm, "What I mean, mate, is what the fuck is going on? You drag me out of my dorm at 2 in the damn morning. Then we go driving for hours on end and you won't tell me why. Just some bullshit about needing answers, well I need some fucking answers too Sam."

      He shrugged as if this was all new information to him, "I just thought a trip sounded ni-"

      I cut Sam off, grabbing his jacket and slamming him against the door of his car, "Enough of the jokes, enough of dodging the question. Why are we out here Sam?"

      It almost broke my heart to finally see his eyes soften like they did, melting into that expression where the word sadness doesn't begin to describe it. Almost, but I had to keep pressing if we were going to make any headway in this.

      "E.....Eliza and I are done. We broke up a couple of weeks ago." The words came out in a broken, dejected sound as I softened the grip on his jacket.

      "And a cross country trip is going to fix that? Or is the whole goal to forget about her?"

      "No...no it's not that." His voice was so soft I could barely hear him, especially over the sound of my own voice.

      "And now that I think about it we aren't anywhere close to where she lives, so what the hell? Where even are we?" I backed up from Sam a bit as I kept talking, trying to sort through my own thoughts out loud.

     "I cheated on Eliza, that's why we broke up." He stammered out.

     "W-what was that?" I had to stammer as well, reeling a bit from this revelation.

     "N-not like physically I guess, I don't know man. It's complicated." Sam couldn't manage to look me in the eyes anymore, I don't blame him.

     "Not physically? What? OK, you're going to need to back track a bit here mate because there's something here I'm clearly not getting. You cheated on Eliza, but not physically? Did you sleep with a ghost? I'm so lost here, help me." Cheating may seem like second nature for most people these days, but for Sam it was a miracle that he could find one woman to enjoy his company, let alone two.

    "I don't know how to explain it Glenn," he ran a hand through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh.

    "Well you got plenty of time to get it together because we aren't leaving until we do."

     Sam kept scanning and staring at the ground as if it was going to give him an answer.

     "I'll call Eliza and get this sorted out if you won't answer me. Christ! What was the plan on this trip? Hop in a car and drive until you forget about her?" I don't know why this had made me so angry, but it did. I could feel my skin heating up and was quite aware I was probably causing a seen, that didn't matter much though.

      "I don't know what the plan was!" Sam finally snapped creating a moment of awkward silence between us. "Look, I really don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm acting on instinct man, instinct and a shit ton of panic because I don't know what's happening anymore. Things with Eliza were fine and all, but I met this girl online."

      "For fu-...Sam, don't tell me we are driving all this way out for a fucking catfish mate. Please, Sam tell me that's not what we're doing." I pleaded, almost ready to punch him for the amount of stupid I was hearing at this moment.

      "I will tell you, if you'll shut up for a minute and actually let me talk." We both sighed at the same time.

      "Before we start anything, I really need to smoke mate. You're making my blood pressure rise." I said, fishing the pack and a lighter out of my pocket.

      "Pretty sure it's those that are making your BP go up." He smirked before I hit him in the arm, motioning towards a park.

       This was going to be an interesting story. The tension in this short walk over was killing me faster than cigarettes ever could, but we did our best to smile and hide the fear and anger in both of our hearts. This was a very un-Sam thing to do, but he's a terrible liar so at least I know whatever he's going to say is the truth. To be honest though, I think that's what really scares me. I took a position sitting on top of a picnic table, Sam took the accompanying bench.

      He tilted his head back as if he were observing clouds and let out a long sigh, "All right..."

Home

They say we all eventually die alone, well if that's true then I want to live for the little moments that make it feel like home. See, I never feel completely comfortable in a single place and so I end up floating by trying to find some living space. A spot of my own, one where I can be alone, or maybe surrounded by a crowd, I'm not quite sure mainly just thinking aloud. Making up my mind is hard because life happens real quick so it seems hard for anything substantial to stick. But at the same time, life is the longest thing we do it doesn't matter if it's me or you. So, while I'm content to drift in an endless nature, it's in that wanderlust I find my soul nurtured. It may be strange to some and down right scary to others, to have no end in sight, but for all it's perceived haunts this path is my plight. Regardless, I'll continue on and push forward because life never comes with a foreword. There's no preset plan to guide us through there is really only you. Who knows? Maybe some day you'll find those moments that feel like home and you'll watch your soul grow.

Quiet Moments

There's a special kind of beauty
Caught in the quiet moments of serenity
Taking places of grand gestures
Substituting it's own little pleasures

An exchange of looks and a sly smile
Something to communicate in a quiet style
When words fail to come out
It's a serene beauty to remind you what it's about

That love isn't made with heavy words and expressions
But with light hearts and meaningful confessions
A pouring out of emotions and feelings
With such great force even the coldest person is sent reeling

There's a special kind of beauty
Caught in those quiet moments of serenity
A kind that cannot be contained in so few lines
But can only be explored the others eyes

So explore those eyes looking up at you
In them find love and the courage to pull through
And if the eyes truly are windows to the soul
Then in them you'll find what words will never know

Énouement: Chapter 3

      "Big news man, big news!" Sam announced, seemingly out of nowhere.

      "Wait let me guess, you've finally converted to the dark side and fallen madly in love with me?" I replied.

       He frowned for a moment, "Come on man, I'm serious this is important to me."

       "Well then tell me what it is already mate, you can't keep a man in suspense like this."

       "I have a girlfriend," his smile was so wide you could almost count all the teeth.

       That announcement was little over 3 months ago now. I don't know if I've ever seen him so excited over something before, it was adorable. Sam proceeded to tell me all the details about this new woman and I didn't even have to ask, not that I wanted to know in the first place but that's beside the point. This description comes entirely from a second hand account given to me by Sam, but for all intents and purposes Eliza, his new girl who happens to be a friend, was 100% American-made good stuff. Apparently she had soft brown hair in a neatly cropped look that ended just below the ears, eyes that were the color of the stars, whatever the hell that means, and I didn't listen much past the description of the face. I wasn't really listening at all, but humoring Sam.

      "Glenn, I'd like you to finally meet Eliza." We both shared a sheepish smile, handshake, and 'nice to meet you' before sitting down to lunch with Sam.

     The first few moments were awkward and not necessarily tense, but there was something in the air between everyone. It was nothing sinister, just the natural outcome of three people meeting up and not fully knowing someone in the group. We tried some small talk, I found out she is majoring in Music, she found out I play guitar, we both found out apparently Sam has been learning to mix music. We were well on our way to having a little musical band type thing going and that helped ease some tension.

     "Let's address the elephant in the room," I tried to look serious as I stared down Eliza and hide my smirk, "What unfortunate circumstances led to you being involved with this bodgy man?"

     They looked at each other to both confirm what had just been asked and how they were to answer, "Well, we are in the same English class," Sam began before being cut off.

     "I asked her, not you, you arse." A finger was put against Sam's mouth to shut him up as I looked back at Eliza.

     And that much was true. They had met in an English class towards the beginning of our semester. The adorable part was finding out she had been the one to ask him out after weeks of side glances and hurried attempts to look cool and aloof. Meeting Eliza happened around 2 months ago. I hadn't seen much else of her other than that initial meeting, there were occasional lunches or hangouts with Sam but our schedules mostly didn't match up. The talk about her also trailed off as well, but I figured that was mostly due to settling into the relationship. It never really clicked until now, driving under the starts in Ambiguous Location, USA, that this whole trip might be some sort of unplanned retreat.

     Sam wasn't an overtly reactionary kind of guy, but he had his streaks of impulsiveness that he was prone too. I might unfortunately be caught up in one such wave. His expression had seemed to soften in the meantime, teeth slowly unclenching. I could almost hear his jaw creaking like old machinery as he loosened up. Feeling bad about putting him in such unnecessary stress, I was almost content to let it pass and revisit the topic later into our trip. We were both exhausted and it was getting to the point where we'd need a hotel soon. It'd be nice to have a little respite too, a proper place to sleep and all that.

     An hour or so more of driving and we had pulled off the highway and into a passable motel. The hotel attendant gave us a look while handing us the keys which of course alerted my "be an asshole" sense and put on my best lisp, making sure to get handsy with Sam, as we made our way to the room. A chance to mess with Sam and an innocent bystander was something I couldn't easily pass up. We made our way inside, belongings tossed aside without a care as Sam flopped down onto a bed, falling asleep almost immediately. I shuffled over to the sink and decided to stare myself down in the mirror.

     Sunken eyes, a decent amount of facial scruff, and looking as terrible as I felt, I pushed my hair back out of my face and let out a long sigh. Leaning against the sink as I turned around, Sam looked just as exhausted and terrible. The thing they don't tell you about road trips is how incredibly uncomfortable they are and how that really affects the human body. But I think the real thing affecting us was the emotional weight Sam was carrying and my attempts to help him shoulder it.

Énouement: Chapter 2

     The sound of tires against gravel alerted me to the fact that we were pulling over, but my body physically wouldn't move or wake up and I figured why fight against that?  I could hear the clinking of gas pumps and whatever is on the current Top 40 softly playing over the outside speakers. Several minutes passed before the noise and odd sense that someone was going to just steal the car and I didn't want to be in it when it happened were enough to wake me up and get my body moving outside the car.

      Joints popped and cracked at a seemingly unholy rate across my body. As comfortable as the car was apparently that sleeping position isn't the best. I glanced around with no idea in hell where we were, I didn't do much travelling which wasn't an asset to my navigational skills, but there were also no discerning markings in the middle of Where-ever-the-hell-we-are, USA. Standing outside trying to discern our location was pointless and thus began the begrudging walk inside, hands shoved deeply into my zip-up's pockets.

      A nice breeze was enough to tousle my hair, requiring manual repair as I hunted down Sam. Upon finding him I lazily ran my chest into the side of his body like a drunk ram trying to fight a wall. As much harm as it might bring to us, after I straightened back up and stared down the side of his face, the interrogation had to begin.

     "Well we are a good," a quick pause to check my watch, "Six hours into...whatever the hell it is we are doing, so that begs the question. What the hell are we doing?"

      "Adventuring..." his response was non-nonchalant with a tinge of terseness as he moved down the aisle searching for his breakfast.

       "Mate, don't bullshit me. No one wakes up their friend who lives across campus at 2 AM on a lark." I continued after him, but only got a shrug in response.

        The silence continued for a moment before I saw Sam reaching for a breakfast burrito, "Put that down!" I slapped his wrist giving him the scolding look of a mother, "If I allowed you to eat that it would be a greater offense than you pulling this stunt on me."

        He looked like a puppy getting yelled at and reluctantly moved over to grab a cereal bar, looking in my direction for approval. I gave it begrudgingly. Answers had yet to come, but I just followed him as I grabbed a few things for myself. It was hard to find anything particularly fulfilling for a gas station breakfast, but we made do and were soon enough back on our way.

        I leaned the seat back again and hung my feet outside the window. Wherever we were it was beautiful: blue skies passed against green trees creating a harsh line dividing the earth and sky. It was thousands of miles from my home, Australia not Pennsylvania, yet I was reminded slightly of it. Of course, it's a lot greener out here, but something about the air smelled familiar. It's hard to describe the feeling. Sam didn't seem to be taking it in as well as I was though, still white-knuckled and staring forward,

        I wanted to let the silence linger for awhile hoping that maybe he'd be the first to break and begin pouring out all the details of this trip and finally tell me why we had departed. It might not be such a big secret, but I am of a much weaker will than Sam and he won out. Silence is not my friend and I felt the need to break it, however, it was also useless to try and make small talk. Ingenuity would be key to crack this egg, I'd need help.

       If words wouldn't work, music might. Reaching back, I grabbed the guitar and took a few moments to tune it, all the while looking over at Sam with a smug grin on my face. I went with If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember, a favorite of his, and a few strums in I thought Sam might just join in right then and save me the work. When that failed, in the hopes of comedy, I tried singing the female vocalist's part in a higher voice.

And hey sweetie, 

Well I need you here tonight, 

And I know that you don't wanna be leaving me

Yeah, you want it, but I can't help it. 

I just feel complete when you're by my side, 

But I know you can't come home till they're singing

        Instead of joining in with the traditional 'La, la la la, la la la' refrain Sam remained quiet, with teeth clenched. It almost looked like he was about to shatter them from sheer pressure. The strumming slowly died down as the realization came that he wasn't going to join in. A decrease in strumming seemed to match up with a decrease in teeth clenching.

        "Sam..." I began slowly, "Why are we making this road trip?"

        "Because," there was only a small pause between the start and follow-up of his answer but it felt like an eternity, "I just need some answers."

         Don't we all....I let the thought trail off in my head as I looked out the window. There would be no follow-up to any other questions, but there's been some progress. It's a small victory, but one I'll have to take for now.

Énouement: 1

     Almost everyone has a best friend, the type of person you'd go to bat for and knows a lot more about you than you probably care to admit. The person who's the first to comfort you when you're said and the one to help you up when you fall, even if they laugh while doing so. Samuel Beckett is that person for me, however, after being woken up by three very loud knocks on my dorm room door at roughly 2:15 AM all of those feelings melted away and were replaced with an intense desire to punch him in his stupid face.

     "Glenn, wake up! WAKE UP!" his voice was usually actually kind of soothing, one of those even toned news caster voices, but at this time it felt more like Danny Devito arguing with an alley cat.
   
      "For Christ's sakes, mate. The hell are you on about?" I responded, pulling myself out of the bed. Putting on pants was a waste of time, Sam had seen more of me than some ex-girlfriends, boxers were enough to cover my delicates as it were.

     "We gotta go man, things are happening, things are moving, things are things. Let's go!" Swinging open the door as he rambled on I was a bit stunned both by his nonsense words and his current accouterments: 2 dufflebags, one empty one full, a backpack, his guitar, a bag of assorted food, and an incredibly frantic look on his face. "Come on let's get moving, you gotta pack." He said to clear up the silence, tossing the empty bag in my face and barging his way through.

     "Hold on," I waved my hands in protest, Sam looked up at me through his greyish eyes and glasses like a small child about to be reprimanded, "I need some back story here. What the hell is going on?"

     Sam looked blank for a second before he shrugged and grabbed the bag back from my hands, "Road trip." He quipped and began packing my things for me.
     
     I didn't do much to resist at that point, it took a bit of working to get anything from the kid and by now it was just easier to pack my stuff. Normally, I might actually try to talk him out of something like this but it was Memorial Day weekend meaning we had an extra day off so whatever, might as well go dick around for a few days. So, after 30 minutes of packing "only the bare essentials", even though Wonderwall got to pack his guitar, we were out the door.

     The fact that Sam drives a nice luxury sedan, he has very nice parents, made the decision to leave a bit easier. If we were driving my 'barely qualifies as a car' car it might be a different story. We quickly tossed our stuff into the back and I climbed into the passenger seat reclining it as far back as it went. 

     "Hey Glenn-" Sam started before being cut off.

     "Nope," I responded, "You wake me up at 2 AM which means I am entitled to a good, quiet nap. A'right mate? .....fuckin cunt." I muttered the last part.

      I usually try to avoid certain colloquialisms in the States, but since I was woken from my slumber I reacted much like an upset toddler - crankily. The term is either one of endearment or an insult, it all depends on context. However in some special cases, like this moment with Sam, it means both. I know I shouldn't be so mean to a best friend, but I am an Aussie so somethings come across as mean when they aren't meant to be.

     Off handed insults aside, it was good to do something spontaneous like this. Life had kind of gotten away from me in the past few weeks between school, work, and people in general. It seemed like things were getting rough for Sam too, even if he tried to hide it. It's a gift and a curse that I'm usually able to key in so well when people are off-balance and that might very well be why we're taking this trip right now. As shit as I am as a human being most of the time, I occasionally make a good sounding board....somehow.

     The few times I opened my eyes when shifting positions in the seat I caught a glimpse of Sam and those few moments made it clear I was right that he was wrong. He usually had the hints of a smile somewhere on his face, thinking up jokes or stupid stories something along those lines, but when I looked at him it was a blank slate. Sam's face was completely cold and he was intently focused on the road like he was trying to focus on anything, but what was on his mind. It was weird because usually it was hard to get him to really focus on anything, Sam isn't ADD he's just fascinated by a lot of things and can switch topics easily. So, seeing him so focused on one thing is either really good or really bad. And right now I can't tell which it is and I don't like that at all.

Dreams and Reality

Empty thoughts and hollow words make their way through my head
Idleness that tries desperately to stave off the night
Resisting the earthly temptation to climb alone again into a bed
Subsisting on ideas and dreams of a naive man's plight
World weary and exhausted in mind, body and soul
Bags collecting under my eyes like they have somewhere to be
Travelling off to distant realms that are yet unseen
Slipping past physical bonds remains the key
The last trial between the physical and the fantastical
An effort to become something ethereal if only for a time
The ephemeral effigy of all that's possibly possible
But the journey eventually ends as all do
A tragic fall back down to the reality of man
And soon it all fades away, the trials that have been passed through
Endless cycles begin again, just have to do what you can.

Void

Everyone has a desire to be heard, a desire to be recognized

A dream full of naivety, trapped inside those with stars in their eyes

To somehow break through the surrounding noise 

To reach out and grab hold of something in the void

An innate will that refuses being relegated to silence

A push back against the waves of violence

Everyone has a desire to tear down their artificial walls

And create a ripple so large it reverberates the halls

Raging against the machinations of the world at large

Gnashing and clawing at those in charge

It's not a revolution or coup d'etat

It's the next evolution of the human coup de grâce

The never ending spiritual renaissance  

That echoes on in a shallow ambiance

Moving with the ebb and flow of those employed

In the effort to make something out of the void

Comfortable

I want a love like a comfortable silence
The moment so still I can hear the movement of eyelids
Fluttering shut in a slow and steady manner
Where emotions hang in between like a banner
A wordless type of love that doesn't need expression
One that remains forever present like a silent confession
Entrapping each body in the ethereal nature of the universe
Bubbling up inside until it's necessary to disperse
To scatter the thoughts buried in the heart
A desperate attempt to pour it out before it falls apart
Before the silence is over and the moment ends
Melting back leaving words to try and contend
To match up to the conversation had without word
Like trying without a net to catch a bird
Something that can permeate the void between bodies
And create a intangible type of remedy
That heals from all the cuts and bruises
Something to push back the normal excuses
Between people creating a sense of balance
I want a love like a comfortable silence.

Duality

Life's hard enough, but trying to be two people at once makes the struggle tough. Caught in between the private and the public, figuring out if it's all even that worth it. Like a sheep in wolf's clothing, something feels off when you're so full of self-loathing. What's the difference between the real and the lie if when you look into the mirror and can't meet your own eyes? Is there even a point to it all when most of the time it feels like the slightest breeze will make it fall? Wrapped up in layer upon layer of doubt and self-criticism, the world only helps to fuel the crippling cynicism. People seem to be fake and unreal, but that's because of your fake ideals. But it's kind of like calling the kettle black when you're just as fake as the people you attack. Deflecting the insecurities hidden deep down, forcing them onto others all around. Struggling to reconcile who you are with what you are, mind, heart, and soul at war. Are you really fighting the good fight or just another guy with problems and perceived slights?

Jake and Ralphy Part 1: The Girl

It’s nice to wake up with someone lying next to in bed and the subtle shifting of another body is what woke Jake up on this Sunday.  Pleased with his seemingly good luck, he stretched his hand over to get a quick feel  of his new partner. His hand, however, landed on something decidedly inhuman and as a matter of fact quite furry, it took his brain a few sleep-burdened moments to process this information before he recoiled and sat up.

“Ralphy, what the hell?” he screamed.

The sheets and comforter soon become a chaotic flopping mess as the form of a small Jack Russell Terrier freed itself from the bed’s clutches, “What?! Huh?! Who’s here?” the small, raspy voice came from the pup with a slight Brooklyn accent.

“God, man I told you no sleeping in the bed.” Jake got out of bed, holding his head a bit as he shuffled over to his dresser. “Man I gotta stop drinking so much.” He muttered to himself.

“You know, you keep saying that,” Ralphy jumped down from the bed, his claws clacking on the wooden floor, “But you’ve never really given me a good reason as to why I can’t.”

“Because!” Jake angrily removed a pair of jeans and some other clothes from his dresser, “You shed a ridiculous amount and it’s ridiculously itchy.”

“Oh come on Jake, I don’t shed that much.” He protested as Jake stared him down giving the comforter a firm slap releasing a cloud of dog hairs into the air, “…All right you got me there, then at least buy me a bed man, this floor sucks.”

“Be happy you have anywhere to sleep, runt.” Jake walked into their bathroom, shutting the door behind him as he started the shower up.

Ralphy trotted out, following his owner as far as the living room, muttering Jake’s last words in a mocking tone. He looked around their small living space for something to do in the meantime. For humans it was a pretty decent place, not so much for dogs though. The only chewable things in the apartment were deemed “non-chewable” by the human and since the human is the one who buys the food Ralphy did his best to respect those rules. With nothing else to do Ralphy made his way into the kitchen to prepare himself breakfast and by “prepare himself breakfast” he meant tipping the food bag over and diving in head first, eating until Jake pulled him out. Since this was the morning shower after a particularly boozy night, Ralphy estimated he had at least 15 minutes for his feast, which in dog time is like 3 months.

The duo had been together for a few months now, starting when Ralphy was around 4 months old. He was a free pet given to Jake after a rough break-up as a way to cope. Neither Ralphy, Jake, nor the previous owner knew that Ralphy could talk at the time and no one since has really been able to explain how he can. However, with all the weird things that happen in New York most people just kind of roll with it and don’t question it much. You gotta love the big city.

Deep into his breakfast feast Ralphy didn’t hear the footsteps behind him and as a result he was suddenly in the air. The squirming kicked in almost immediately trying to fight off this unknown assailant, that is until he heard the click of a leash being attached to his blue suede collar.

“Huh, what’s going on?” Ralphy looked up at his owner, tail wagging hard enough to almost tip him sideways.

“We’re going to the store, you’re right, it’s time I bought some things for you.” Jake collected his keys and wallet, phone already tucked into his upper shirt pocket.

“You…you actually listened to me?” Ralphy said with a fake sniffle in his voice.

“It’s kinda hard not to listen man, you never shut up.” Jake laughed opening up the front door.

“Harsh man, harsh.” Ralphy led the way out as Jake locked the door behind them.

Despite being only a puppy, Ralphy had the attitude and mannerisms of a 20-something year old person which makes him advanced for his own species. It was easy sometimes to forget that he even was a dog and not a loudmouth roommate who doesn’t pay rent and constantly hassles you. But even with all that, he was a great coping buddy for Jake and really helped smooth the transition back to single life.

Halfway down the hall the dynamic duo ran into their neighbor from two doors over Melissa, a cute brunette with a passion for vintage but not enough to be considered hipster. Both her and Jake had a lot in common, but in the weeks since she’s moved in not a word has been said between them, only what information he can siphon through the walls. This time was no different, an awkward smile and hurried shuffle as they walked by. Jake and Ralphy then quietly got onto the elevator and took the moment between the doors closing to watch her walk away, which was a sight in itself.

“So, uh, you ever gonna man up and talk to her?” Ralphy queried as he led Jake out of the elevator and out of the building.

“Shut up man, I’ll do it eventually.” Jake was quickly on the defensive.

“You said the same thing about P90X and going vegan.” The pup chided.

“I also said that about neutering you, but I can move that up the schedule if you’d like.” He glared down at Ralphy with a slight smirk.

“Point taken.” He concluded as they made their way down the street which was surprisingly not busy.

The rest of the walk consisted of idle chit-chat like with any person, complain about the fall weather, convinced thoughts that this year will be the year of the Jets, and plans for the day.  Once at the pet store, Ralphy was ecstatic from all the instant praise he got for his mere presence there. Claims of him being a good boy where thrown around like the phrase had no meaning.  The shopping didn’t enthrall young Ralphy as much as the doting.

When the initial compliments were done, Jake lifted Ralphy up placing him in the little basket in the front of shopping carts that is usually reserved for purses or children. Since Jake had neither of those things, Ralphy was granted special privilege and has yet to squander a chance to pretend to captain a ship. They were usually short voyages though, since a typical shopping trip consisted of a bag of food and a bag of treats, today however was a special extended trip. They made their way up and down the aisles throwing in toys aplenty and some new bedding supplies.

“You know, you make for a decent first mate there Jake, I think I’ll keep you aboard for now.” Ralphy joked as they made their way to the registers.

“Thanks for the performance review Captain Scruffybeard.” Jake smiled as he stopped the cart to make one last mental check that they had everything they needed.

“I was thinking though,” Ralphy said after a moment of silence, which Jake met with a muted ‘oh boy’, “If you’re too scared of Melissa, maybe try asking out that cashier Allie. She might be a bit more your speed.”

Jake took a moment to look over at her, another cute girl, a soft blonde color to her hair that was complimented by a set of brown eyes. “I’ve caught her looking at you a few times when we come in.” Ralphy continued.

“Oh, so now you’re not only a pirate captain, but also a matchmaker? Sorry, but I think I’ll pass and trust my human instinct that she’s not interested.” Jake retorted pushing their cart towards her register.

Allie smiled at them both, giving Ralphy a quick pet as Jake loaded the items onto the counter. She was even more attractive up close and Jake began to feel a bit intimidated by being this close. The silence really helped boost his confidence as well.

“Well Alice, Jake here was telling me something pretty interesting.” Ralphy finally was the one man enough to start talking despite getting a heavy staredown from his owner.

“Oh? And what exactly would that be?” She smiled looking between the boys, her voiced slowed down by the subtle southern twang that she had picked up from her small city mother.

“He said that he would actually fan-“ He began smugly before being cut off by an abrupt hand over the muzzle.

“Don’t mind him, new heartworm medication so he’s been saying some goofy stuff lately.” Jake attempted at veering the conversation off course.

“Aww, does our little man here have heartworms?” She gave Ralphy’s chest a quick rub as she finished ringing things up. “Feel better soon Ralphy.” After paying, Jake folded up the receipt and stuffed in his pocket before waving goodbye and leaving the store, bags in tow.

The walk home was a quiet one, Jake still upset at the near social disaster that was caused by an overly-nosey dog. Ralphy had a penchant for sniffing around in Jake’s personal life, so much so that he began to doubt that Ralphy wasn’t half beagle. The dog was quite proud of himself though, walking home with his tail held just a little bit higher than usual. They didn’t run into Melissa on their way back to the apartment, so the door was unlocked and the pair got ready for the rest of their free afternoon. Jake tossed the bags on the counter, taking out the stuffed fire hydrant toy and tossing it into the waiting jaws of a hungry young pup.

Jake grabbed a water out of the fridge and then sat down on the couch heavily sighing as he descended. Scooping the remote up in his hand and kicking his feet up on the table, it was time to catch some crap that was on TV and figure out his night plans. It was either go out to the bar and maybe meet up with a friend or staying in and drinking with Ralphy.  He groaned at the thought of either as he dug in his pocket trying to fish out whatever was down there messing with his leg.

“So whafs tha deal?” Ralphy said with the hydrant still stuffed in his mouth as he jumped up onto the couch.

“I guess nothing,” Jake sighed again pulling the crumpled receipt from the pet store out of his pocket, unravelling it out of boredom. “Actually….it looks like I might have plans after all.” He said with a slight grin.

Ralphy tilted his head in confusion, “What are you talking about?” He dropped the hydrant toy out of mouth as the receipt was held before him. It looked normal until Ralphy trailed to the bottom of the receipt where Allie had written down her phone number. “No way. See? I told you man! Never doubt a dog’s instincts!”

Jake smiled more and gave Ralphy a playful shove, “Well I suppose I should see where this goes.”