Everybody dreams of making that one moment in their life special and for everybody it's the same exact moment. Very few things in life are truly once in a lifetime, marriages come and go, most people have more than one kid, but everybody only has one first time. Some wait for what seems like a life time and others have little self-control. You spend what seems like an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out what the perfect special moment should be like, or at least I did.
What people don't tell you is that more often than not that first time is a let-down. You can build it up in your head all along, but as with most things in life if you don't have any first-hand, no pun intended, experience then it's just a lot of awkward fumbling around. I was lucky enough to experience my first time with someone I knew and liked, but having only chick flicks and adult movies for guides I was ill prepared. The 'talk' only gets you so far, you know?
Erin, my partner for lack of a better word, seemed like a safe choice. Wording it like that makes it seem like I had a line to choose from, I didn't and the fact that Erin wanted to was a miracle itself. Her bob-cut red hair and lower-lip piercing was enough to at least let my fantasies make it dangerous and exciting, but really we were just average 16 year old kids not the drugged-up sex symbols of movies. I really thought Erin was beautiful, even had delusions of marriage but I have been prone to wild fantasies. In any case, we have been friends since about 3rd grade and I had been stuck in the friend-zone since then.
I watched from the sidelines as she and other friends who happened to be girls of mine dated guys and had their fun. Erin and I had actually dated for a brief time when we were little, but it hardly counted for anything. I suppose that didn't help any fantasies I had about her. She was my first everything: girlfriend, kiss, break-up, everything. We were young enough though that the break-up meant nothing and I guess I'm thankful for that, but sometimes it's better to just be set free. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to lose her but it doesn't help still being attached either. All things considered she's like an infected limb, you want to keep everything attached, but somethings are better gone.
Years passed in the friend-zone and things were influx with Erin. I still loved her and she still sort of acknowledged my presence. We hung out less and less, eventually we divulged into flaking on plans with each other as she either went off with the new flavor of the week or I just wanted to avoid heartache for once. She had a revolving door of guys it seemed and I had maybe one or two other interests that flamed out pretty quick. I've been told I'm too picky or have too high of standards, but that's all beside the point.
After we both settled at what seemed a comfortable distance away from each other it seemed OK. I gave up on texting and my phone remained silent. I didn't like texting anyways, but it had been the only way to communicate with Erin and when she was gone so was texting. And that's the way it stayed for awhile, we were content or at least I was.
"I miss you Finn" she texted.
"Uhh...hello to you too." I texted back, I was even awkward in my texts.
"Can I call you?"
"Sure, I guess."
When the phone rang, my heart still jumped even though I knew it was coming. I was nervous, I hadn't seen her or heard her voice in months. The ringtone played What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong which was an inside joke of ours. It was picked because we thought we were being clever and deep because the world isn't all that wonderful. It was our naive attempt at irony. I hesitated and let it ring, can't seem too desperate now I said inside my head.
"Hey" with both exchange, the awkwardness was palpable.
"I um...I know you're a..." she stumbled over the words.
"Yeah, you're point?" I didn't want to hear the word myself, but I knew what she meant. It was her and the school's main teasing point against me.
"Can I come over?" I could almost hear her smirk.
I nodded and after a second of silence realized I was an idiot and responded, "Yeah I guess so." and hung up.
I should have timed how long it took her to come over, but it felt like she was teasing me. I half expected there to just be a group of people waiting to point and laugh when I opened that door. Now that she was coming over I began to feel intimidated by her. Erin had done this before, I had only thought about it and now the hour was upon us all. The next few moments after her arrival all blur together as it seems like we took a marathon sprint back to my room.
When we undressed there was an tense moment of silence between us, as if neither of us expected this to be real. She held a coy smirk, but when I finally met her eyes something was off. We knew what we were about to do, but I think the past history between us sort of shattered a veil of innocence between us. In that brief moment we both considered redressing and leaving this reality, but things had gone too far already as before we knew it we were on the bed. As I said the chick flicks and porn left me unprepared and I knew not what I did. My head felt light the entire time and I think the only time I felt fully clear was when she reached back to straighten me out for it. The quick skin-to-skin contact, her against me, snapped me back if only for that moment. I was fully aware of what was happening and there was no turning back. After that it was minutes of grinding, panting, and clumsy hands.
It was over in what seemed like a standard amount of time, I had no previous data to reconcile this against so finding a standard deviation was a bit hard, again no pun intended. There wasn't a whole lot of talking afterwards, just redressing and avoiding eye contact. I tried to go in for a kiss as I walked her out the door, but I pulled back. It was already weird enough and I didn't want to make it worse.Everything seemed OK after that, Erin and I talked more but never anything more serious. I can't tell if things have been awkward as a result or not, but we both act like nothing has changed. Erin might be embarrassed of how it went down or just not like me anymore, I don't know. It felt nice just to be able to knock that first one out of the way, but I always kind of wish it could have been more planned. It was rushed, uncoordinated, and awkward like most of my life so far.
