I don't really know where else to put this, so I figured I'd put it here. I just need a space to vent right now and I feel like Facebook is too public. Also, Youtube would take too much time to do so here it is. I know again I promised I wouldn't use my blog for personal things, but it's been 2 months since I posted a story. I know there aren't many followers or people who care anyways so it never was a big deal. Anyways, I'll get to the my main point here and try to keep the rambling to a minimum.
There reason I haven't posted, or even written anything of substance, lately is because I think I've slipped into a pretty good depression. I wake up most days just fucking hating myself and feeling like a massive waste of space. I hate the way I look, sound, talk, basically every single aspect of myself I hate. Absolutely fucking hate and it's becoming worse. The worst part? No one knows this until know because I've become so good at hiding things from other people. I've probably hated myself on and off since I was 15 maybe before that. But, I just hide behind a smile and laugh to reassure everything is fine. I've gotten so good at this hiding that I really doubt any of my friends, even close ones like Marcus or Taylor, have any idea the extent of my self-hate. And I don't want help because that means somethings wrong and for whatever reason I can't accept that fact. I know I've admitted I'm a broken and terrible person plenty of times, but I keep convincing myself that I can fix it on my own and when I don't I slip back into this depression. I honestly thought I was OK for awhile, but this semester it's made a return. That's probably because I've had considerably less social interaction and I feed off of that. I try and try to get people to do things with me, but even small things like lunch or hanging out are fucking impossible. So, I sit in my room play video games and contemplate what a piece of shit I am. I don't know if it counts as being suicidal, but constantly I'm thinking about killing myself mainly on the curiosity of what would happen. Would anyone notice? How long would I be missed? That stuff goes through my head constantly.
Maybe I have put too much stock into what people think of me though, constantly seeking validation from others. The thing is nothing makes me happier to know my friends are doing well and are taken care of. To know that I somehow even in the slightest possible fashion is all I want out of life. I couldn't care less about money, fame, recognition, any of that. So long as I know somebody is laughing because of me is really all that matters....and I haven't gotten that lately. I'm sure you are all thinking "well then go be around people." I WISH IT WERE THAT FUCKING EASY. You have no idea how much I wish I was bold enough to just go places and hang out with people, but I've been hurt and I've seen friends pull away, or at least that's what it feels like this semester. I'm scared this cycle is going to happen again, I'll find a nice group of friends and it will be cool for a few months. After that they all hang out and don't invite me anymore. I'm fucking terrified of abandonment, it probably exceeds my fear of spiders. And that's what I feel this semester, abandoned. I know I'm super busy, but nobody ever texts me or anything trying to hang out. If you want to I'll make fucking time. I just feel useless, unloved, abandoned, and worthless.
I know through writing this only a handful of people are going to read it and even fewer are going to care. I also know that those that do will get the standard "it's fine I just needed to vent for a minute" response from me as I close myself off. To those few of you (and you know who you are) that I've opened up to know just how hard that was for me. Also everyone reading this, know how hard it was for me to write this. I'm in tears because this is a huge burden that I'm finally putting out there. I know it won't go away, I'll wake up tomorrow morning thinking about the same things. How much I suck as a person and how little I would be missed. I don't even know how to end this post......I know I should be seeking help or something....I don't know what I fucking need anymore. I just need some respite from everything. As childish or girlish as it sounds I just need someone to hold me and promise me it's OK. That's what I want and it's the most cliched thing ever, but it's what I need. Solace....
