What movies taught me

It's weird to think how growing up movies taught me that first loves were some special
But they never really taught me how to cope when you decide to end it all
Sure movie couples argue and of course they fight
But in 30 minutes of movie time everything is all right.

So what do you do when everything just sort of....dies?
When that look you used to give each other doesn't linger in your eyes?
That's the thing movies never taught me when I was a kid
So, I couldn't base my actions of what a character did.

Movies love their allegories and metaphors
But none of them held the answers I was looking for
Maybe it's because I'm just a dumb, immature boy
That I try to base my life on some sort of movie ploy

I can't say I've gotten any better with age
It's still hard to deal with the pain and the rage
Maybe one day I'll make a movie about it
And teach some kid the lessons I needed to get

That life doesn't exist on a sixty foot screen
But more likely it exits in the tiny things inbetween
Which when said aloud sounds pretty obvious
Some of us are a bit more oblivious

Movies taught me how to be brave and daring
Some even taught me how to be kind and caring
But none taught me how to be mature and cope
Maybe that's a lesson I'll learn someday, I hope

Note to Self

Note to self:
Take some time to remind yourself to slow down
It can't hurt to stop and take a look around

Note to self:
Remember, breathing is an important task
That's simple enough, but it never hurts to ask

Note to self:
Don't get too wrapped up in your own pride
As they say, life is just a ride

Note to self:
It's OK to not always be OK
Everything will be OK, someday

Note to self:
As unrealistic as they may seem keep chasing your dreams
Whether you make it or not isn't as important as it seems.

Note to self:
Try and be a little less self-critical
It's nice to have high standards, but to high and you feel pitiful

Note to self:
From time to time, try and stay out of your own mind
And remember, God damn it you've got to be kind.

The Little Things

They say love is about the little things
Those small moments that fill the in-between
Gestures and acts that only love brings
The moments that to the larger world stay unseen

And I guess in some respects that might be true
Because I didn't fall in love with the grandeur
It was the way staring into your eyes created the perfect view
Or how even though I hate silence, when with you I could endure

Those little things are what filled the empty space
Grand gestures are nice, but they aren't filling
Quiet little things like they way a laugh would wrinkle your face
It's those moments that keep my mind spinning

But it'd be wrong to say that everything was so perfect
If it was then things would obviously be different
Instead we've split, which is for the better I suspect
How things would be if we remained is irrelevant

As they say, you have know when to let go
And unfortunately that time came, but I don't hold any bad feelings
When it's over, it's over, you just have to know
That love is always about the little things.

Fears

My greatest fear is being alone
Not dying alone, that's different, that's just going home.
No, what I fear is one day being completely abandoned
By everyone and everything, only left feeling hollowed

It's weird how even when surrounded I can still feel alone
Lives moving around as I stay silent inside my own zone
You see, I want to reach out and try to make a connection
But always pull back from the obvious fear of rejection

The solution is so simple if I don't want to be alone
To just go out and take a chance, look up from the phone
Fear is a powerful force, not to be underestimated
It's exhausting to put myself out there to be decimated

So this fear persists of someday being completely alone
Something I admit might be a bit overblown
But that's how fears work, building off insecurities
Working its way down deep into your psyche

I Am Not Okay

Once strong foundations quickly decay
What little good is left, wasting away
The rope holding it together begins to fray
I am not okay

Tensions grow just out of sight
Anxiety's grasp growing tight
With little energy, there is no will to fight
I am not all right

Everything is starting to decline
Fear and depression slowly intertwine
To the end I've been resigned
I am not fine

Echoes of doubt begin to increase
Searching for some sort of release
Endless nightmares feel like a disease
It all builds up, drowning in its seas

I am not okay

Énouement: Chapter 6

     After what seemed to be an indefinite amount of waiting around, I finally stood up and dusted off the back of my pants. Standing there on the park bench I wrestled with the idea of continuing this journey or ending it all and forcing Sam to take us back. I stuck one leg out letting it dangle in the air before shifting the weight forward and dropping down, beginning my trot back to the car, hands thrust into my pockets trying to act non-chalant.

     It took until my feet hit gravel for Sam to perk back up into reality, "Eh? Where are you going?" He stumbled off the bench to catch up with me.

     "Off to reconnect you with your Juliet." I replied without looking back at him.

     "So you are going to help? You think I should reconnect with her?" He seemed overly excited to have my tacit approval.

     I spun around on a heel to face him, "Look, this isn't exactly copacetic. How it got to be this point I have no idea, but you might as well see this through." Turning back around, I got into the car unable to hear his 'ALL RIGHT' before jogging to the other side of the car.

     There wasn't much else to be said at that moment, I was exhausted trying to process all the new information so I just kept staring out the window. It was even hard to look at Sam, but he was oblivious to it with his same doofy smile. I think having my tacit approval makes it seem all right to him and right now, I lack the energy to speak out.

 ***

Beginning of High School Freshman year (4 years ago)

    A blaring alarm clock was quickly silenced by a firm, albeit it off mark, slam of the hand. Four minutes of willing my body to move and I was awake for the first day of American high school. It was hard to decided if I should sport my tank top made of Aussie flag or just respond to everyone with the expected "g'day" to alert them that I am in fact an Aussie. Decisions, decisions. I hadn't been in the States for long enough to try and fake an accent, the best I could do was some sort of cockney Matthew McConaughey 'all right'. 

     I decided to go with a toned down outfit and try to blend in as much as possible, fly below the radar as much as possible. Shuffling downstairs as my mother called after me, I tried to mentally prepare myself for how many times I'd be asked if I personally knew Steve Irwin or if my dad was Crocodile Dundee. I rubbed my eyes as a pancake was presented to me along with milk. Breakfast was finished relatively quickly and the begrudging walk outside to the bus stop began.

     5 minutes outside and the journey of American education began at last and unfortunately on this bus there was only one set left open. The glory of being the last stop, thankfully everyone was kind enough to save me a spot next to the biggest dork. I know American and Aussie culture is different, but a dork is a dork and something about the Dragonball Z t-shirt and almost bowl cut hair just gives off that vibe, I wasn't exactly the cool, surfer guy stereotype, but I had a certain image to maintain. Or so I thought.

     "HI, I'm Sam." I could almost hear the chubby in his cheeks,

     "Glenn." I begrudgingly responded, holding back the accent as best I could.

     He held that doofy smile, the one I would eventually grow to admire. It seemed like Sam could somewhat sense I didn't like him and was determined to change that.

     We didn't talk much for the rest of the ride to school. It was only 10 minutes so it wasn't the worst experience in my life, that was actually yet to come. So, we parted ways and headed to our respective lockers were I assumed we would never meet again until the bus ride home. I had discovered he would be in a different homeroom and that our schedules were just enough off that there would be virtually no overlap between classes. A few periods into the first day and I had made a few friends thanks to my status as the new foreign kid, it was hard to imagine being Australian as all that exotic but kids that grew up in suburbs are incredibly easy to impress apparently. Maybe life in America wouldn't be so hard after all.
      And for the first few days it wasn't that hard at all. I was still primarily restrained to sitting next to Same on the bus, none of the friends I had made rode the bus, and I slowly began to tolerate him. He didn't seem like the best mates for life kind of kid, but he definitely seemed like the kind of kid you pressure into buying you booze with a fake ID just to see if he'd do it. Looking back, I do feel a bit bad for some of the messing with him I did when first there, but it's the pressure of being a new kid. It was never incredibly mean spirited, but it was what many would classify as douche-y.
     

***

     It sometimes seemed like Sam never really broke out of that nerdy shell of his. Glancing over at him driving the car, he still held that same smile. It was a bit toothy, like a Cheshire cat type of grin that never fully formed. Just so simple and innocent, much like Sam was. I shifted back to watching the road, trying to get my mind off the recent bombshells and get a more solid handle on the situation. He was an idiot, but it was really hard to imagine he was this stupid. My teeth clenched down harder and harder the more I tried to process through it. 

      Acting cool in front of him was easy, but acting cool to myself wasn't so much. Exploding in front of him wasn't exactly the best solution, he wasn't likely to comprehend the full extent of what was happening anyways. I sighed heavily, giving up on trying to keep everything pent up, I pulled out my phone.

      Hey, what's up? I sent a quick text to Eliza.

       ......I guess it was a bit optimistic to expect an immediate reply.

     What she was a bit terse, again it was optimistic to think otherwise given what had happened.

     So something going on?

  Nope

  I mean between you and Sam

  Nope

  Want to talk about it?

  Nope

  Well this is stirring conversation

  Nope

  It was at this time I figured there wasn't much to be gained from going down that road. Another cigarette was placed between clenched teeth. The rush of the wind pushed some of the initial smoke back into my eyes stinging them a bit. Honestly though, getting air circulating was more than refreshing, arm hung out the window, seat leaned back. It was the closest I could get to relaxed. For a while, I didn't even have the energy to inhale and instead it hung listlessly against my bottom lip as I stared at the roof of the car.

     "You all right? It's been a weirdly quiet morning for you." It was a bit of a surprise it took him over an hour to say anything.

     "Guess I'm still trying to process things mate."

    "Process what?"

    "For fu-...what do you think?!" I snapped up, bewildered, ashing into my lap.

    "Oh right, right, right. Breakfast?" I couldn't tell if he was changing the subject or trying to make me mad.

    "Breakfast? ....Christ," I sighed running a hand through my hair, "Yeah, fuck, might as well. But no Denny's!"

Clinomania

Tired eyes beget a tired mind,

struggling against unseen forces that trap and bind.

Fighting for a chance at rest,

to overcome an exhaustive test.

Muscles weak and breathing short,

all in search of a bit of comfort.

A battle that can never truly be won

because with the dawn of each day it anew has begun.

So we cling tightly to few fleeting moments

 of resting our bones from these worldly torments.